11. 2009 Seattle Sonics Team Calendar.
If you’re having a hard time letting go, the 2009 Sonics team calendar is the gift for you. Apparently, the NBA produces these things months in advance or else just didn’t get the memo that our team no longer exists. Either that or this is David Stern’s idea of a sick joke.
Whatever the case may be, the ’09 Sonics team calendar is the perfect gift for any fan. Cherish it as a memento of days gone by hanging it on your wall and letting an Earl Watson ill-advised jumper stare at you for 30 days. Or take it outside with your David Stern dartboard, Oklahoma state flag, Mouhamed Sene replica jersey, and Aubrey McLendon souvenir stock portfolio and burn that sucker while you perform a ritual tribal dance around the flames. No matter how you use your Sonics calendar, I guarantee you’ll enjoy the crap out of it.
10. Prize cannon.
If you haven’t been to a major professional sporting event recently, you may not be familiar with the prize cannon. Picture a rocket launcher powered by air that fires t-shirts, sub sandwiches, rounded souvenirs, and more, and you have the prize cannon.
Why would the prize cannon make a great gift, you ask? More like why wouldn’t it make a great gift.The prize cannon gives you power beyond what you’ve ever imagined. Let’s say the neighbor’s dog is taking a dump on your lawn again. Just fill your prize cannon up with your ammo of choice (I suggest tennis balls, rolled-up socks, or potatoes) and let Fido have it! Boo-yah doggie, you won’t be pooping here anymore!
Another scenario: the Usain Bolt of bank robbers happens to be fleeing the cops on foot past your house. A battalion of officers follow behind him desperately trying to catch up. Seeing you, good samaritan, sitting in your driveway with your prize cannon in tow, the police signal for your assistance. You lift the brim of the Indiana Jones hat you happen to be wearing that day, look up from your Mai-Tai, and nod slowly but surely towards them. It’s gonna be ok, coppers. You pull four softballs out of your ammunition pack and load them into your cannon. Unaware of what he’s about to endure, the bank robber is sprinting towards you with a smug look on his face. You aim your cannon straight at his testes, pull the trigger four times–POOSH! POOSH! POOSH! POOSH!–and justice is served. You’re a hero, and you have your prize cannon to thank. Good going, gift-giver.
9. Tyrone Willingham talking action figure.
Life-size? No. Life-like. Oh yeah. The talking Ty action hero stands 11 inches tall (we swear it’s not life-size) and wants to be your friend. Your buddies may have GI Joe, but you have a polarizing figure that knows how to ostracize boosters, fans and media members! Take that, Jimmy from down the street! Special features include:
-Three interchangeable outfits. There’s “Early Ty” with the swest look (that’s sweater-vest for those of you not up on your fashion lingo), featuring a purple UW swest and a pair of 1995 Oakley M-frame sunglasses. Then we have “Warm Weather” Ty, with his oversized white polo and weekend khakis. And just added we have “’08 Apple Cup Ty” with the “I don’t care anymore so I’m gonna where what I wore to bed last night” look, plus a beanie.
-Judo chop arm action. Whether you want to defend yourself against enemies or just let out some rage by throwing a clipboard, headset, or untimely challenge flag, the Ty judo chop allows you to act out on your bad decisions whenever you want!
-Talking pull string. The Ty action figurine says one thing and one thing only: “Okay,” as in “Our boys played hard today, okay?” Of course, you can ask your Ty doll anything you want and he’ll answer you the same every time. Ask Ty if he wants to save the world. He’ll say “okay.” Then ask Ty if he wants to go swim in your toilet. “Okay.” He’s cool with everything!
8. Shaun Alexander commemorative kneepads.
Do you tend to fall down a lot for no particular reason? If so, then the Shaun Alexander commemorative kneepads may be the gift for you. There’s really no explaining how gravity can occasionally affect even the best of us, and we all know the ground can be a rough and abrasive landing place at times. That’s why we recommend buying protection, and protection starts and ends with your knees.
Just ask Shaun. He used to be a 1000-yard rusher with the ability to power through opposing defensive lines. Then he signed a big contract and gravity took its hold on the once-proud running back. Pretty soon Alexander was collapsing at the first sign of contact, and now? Now he’s unemployed and likely done with football. I bet he wishes he had these kneepads.
Even if you’re not prone to taking dives right now, the SA kneepads are recommended for individuals who are set to sign contracts they probably can’t live up to, or for those who like to sell out their teammates by giving less than 100%.
7. PJ Carlesimo choke collar for dogs.
He’s out of work and looking to maximize on his fame. That’s why former Sonics coach PJ Carlesimo has unveiled his line of pet accessories for the Christmas season. The Carlesimo short leash is a popular item, but the one we really like is the PJ choke collar for dogs.
Made of stainless steel and uniquely crafted to look like Latrell Sprewell’s hands, the PJ choke collar is perfect for the petowner training a new puppy around the house. Besides producing an obedient, well-behaved pooch, the PJ choke collar can also be used as a fashion accessory for aspiring assistant coaches and for men who just want to say “Hey, take a look at my huge beard.” You may not be your company’s next CEO, but you’re gonna try to work your way to the top before being put back in your place by all the people you’ve pissed off along the way.
#6-2 will be appearing in Sunday’s updates, #1 on Monday.