I’m not even gonna lie. There’s really nothing going on in sports today, and I’m pretty sure half my readers have quit coming to this site because they either fell for my dumbass April Fool’s Day joke or they’re pissed that I’d stoop that low in the first place.
So out of sheer boredom, I’ve gone ahead and created this list of the Top 11 Ways To Release The Kraken, in honor of Liam Neeson’s character in the new Clash of the Titans. Because I imagine there is no better feeling than releasing the kraken all over the place. And the new Clash of the Titans is apparently one of the worst movies of the year, so we might as well just milk this Kraken thing for as long as we can.
11. Posterize a third-grader with a tomahawk jam on an eight-foot hoop.
Wipe the Kraken off your face, kid. You look foolish.
10. Hit a golf ball with an aluminum baseball bat.
If you’ve never done this before, you’re missing out.
9. Punt a football. Off a skyscraper.
When possible, it’s always best to release the Kraken from higher elevations.