The 2013 baseball season is underway and you don’t know how you should feel about our beloved Seattle Mariners. Fear not, M’s fans. I’m not here to tell you how you should feel (that’s no one’s place), but I can give you 11 reasons why you might be able to shed some cynicism and believe in this year’s team.
Without further delay…
11. Chone Figgins is gone.
Lest you think three years of vitriol directed towards the Mariners’ sometimes-third baseman was unwarranted, consider this:
Continue reading Top 11: Reasons to be Optimistic About the 2013 Seattle Mariners
In between Sunday afternoons spent watching Nickelodeon Guts and Family Double Dare and all the other kid shows that permeated every kid’s existence in the kid-friendly, kid-centric Nineties, I was a baseball fan. My summers were punctuated by bruises and scuffed knees and mosquito bites that only seemed to multiply each time I scratched them. I had a glove with Ken Griffey Jr.’s name burned into the pocket, a wardrobe full of blue and yellow Mariners apparel, snapback caps with an “S” on the crown, and this belief, however foolish, that I would one day grow up to be them.
Throughout the duration of every season, I would type up, print out, and maintain a list of each player on the Mariners’ active roster. Jersey number, name, and position. If Dann Howitt got called up from Triple-A, then by god you’d find me in front of a Macintosh Classic typing Howitt’s information into Microsoft Works. And if I went to a game to discover that Howitt’s jersey number had inexplicably been switched from 23 to 44, upon arriving home that edit would be made, saved, printed, and kept. I could give you the details on every single player, from No. 1 (Greg Briley and Brian Turang) all the way to No. 96 (Mak Suzuki).
Continue reading (Maybe) This is The Year
If you haven’t seen the Outside the Lines video featuring Fox MLB analyst Ken Rosenthal, Philadelphia Inquirer reporter John Gonzalez, and sports blogger Jerod Morris (aka the guy who “insinuated” that Raul Ibanez may have used steroids), it’s definitely prime viewing material.
Maybe you can work it into your daily video rotation, right after Jon Minus Nine, and right before Kendra. The clip can be found HERE, and I implore you to pay attention to Rosenthal’s “I’m-better-than-everyone-else-on-the-planet” mannerisms.
On a side note, much has been made about Morris’ appearance in this video segment. Come on. Do you really think the producers wanted to give him any help when it came to wardrobe and makeup? Please.
I’m pretty sure Rosenthal was getting his balls massaged the entire time he was taping the clip. That’s why they shoot from the chest up.
Last year, I had an idea for a Mariners commercial featuring Richie Sexson and Raul Ibanez. It actually made sense, had a beginning, middle, and an end, and would have been fairly enjoyable to watch. I actually considered acting it out and posting it on YouTube, but that’s juvenile. So to be more adult about the whole matter, I’ve written out the script and posted it here, for you to enjoy.
TITLE: “Richie Strikes Out”
Scene #1: Peoria Sports Complex, under the lights, the big game. We’re led to believe that this is a real, regular season game, despite the fact that it’s being held at the team’s Spring Training facility, but that’s cool. Mariner first baseman Richie Sexson is up to bat with the game on the line, bottom of the ninth, two outs. The pitcher delivers, Sexson swings and misses for strike three, and the game is over. As Sexson walks back to the dugout, fans boo mercilessly at the failing slugger.
Fans (in unison): BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Fan #1: You suck, Richie!
Fan #2: I tore the head off your bobblehead and stuck it on my Barbie because you hit like a girl!
Continue reading Richie Strikes Out: My script for a 2008 Mariners commercial