Tag Archives: PFL

The Greatest Fantasy Football Poem EVER

Written by the commissioner of the Pearce Fantasy League (best fantasy league on earth) and posted to our league page. This is really top-notch poetry. I was literally in awe after reading it. Even if you don’t understand all the inside jokes, you have to appreciate the wording.

Good work, Dave. You’re my hero.

(FYI: This entire poem is made even better by the fact that I’m one of the two teams competing in the Pearce Bowl for the PFL championship.)

‘Twas the night before Pearce Bowl, when all through the league
All the players and teams had combat fatigue;

Continue reading The Greatest Fantasy Football Poem EVER

A Nuckin Futs Account of Gameday Debauchery

*Editor’s note: This is really long.

Nuckin futs and unbuckingfelievable are two of my all-time favorite sayings. You can have so much fun with those phrases without crossing any lines of decency. Like doing root beer kegstands. Woohoo.

You’re probably thinking I’m referring to the Huskies’ double-overtime victory over Oregon State with that headline up there. And I am. In part.

In actuality, the entire day from start to finish was nuckin futs, not just the nearly four hours of game play that unfolded at Husky Stadium on Saturday evening. And so, because I believe in full disclosure (or at least almost full disclosure), and because I feel it’s valuable to take you through a fan’s gameday experience, I give you this detailed account of Tailgate Saturday. All I ask up front is that you please forgive me. Apologies.

Continue reading A Nuckin Futs Account of Gameday Debauchery

This Is The PFL

Like most people, I enjoy sleeping in on Sunday mornings.

On a good Sunday, I’ll be able to maintain a connection with my bed until at least 10:00 a.m. I’ll drift and dream, snooze and snore, and ultimately snap into consciousness feeling like a million bucks. The good night’s sleep will usually send me out running before I hit the shower, allowing me to accomplish my exercise for the day before I’ve even had breakfast.

On a bad Sunday, I’ll wake up at 7:00 and just stare at the ceiling, contemplating when I should give in to the world of awake and drag my ass out of bed. On mornings like these, I’ll stumble over to the couch and plant myself in front of the TV set, where I’ll scroll through the usual garbage of weekend programming as I decide on whether I should a) go back to bed, b) shower, or c) run, so as not to personify the epic fail.

This latest edition of Sunday morning was destined for greatness. I was in the midst of a fantastic dream, which either had me saving the world in renegade fashion (i.e. fly-running — which is where you start running before you inexplicably take off and start flying — and beating up bad guys with a Louisville Slugger) or about to get laid. I can’t remember the exact context of the dream I was having, but these are the only two types of dreams that I consider to be quote-unquote fantastic.

Continue reading This Is The PFL

Inside The PFL: A Dramatic Script

*Editor’s note: This article was originally posted on November 6, 2009. You may have missed it, so I’m reposting it. I highly suggest you read it. It’s an amazing depiction of the real-life ridiculousness that goes on in my fantasy football league and my favorite thing on this entire website. Enjoy.

You’ve heard of reality television. This is reality dialogue.

The following is a real-life transcript from a fantasy football message board thread that spiraled ridiculously out of control. Going rapidly from football talk to an internet fisticuffs over a relationship gone awry, this script is the literary embodiment of a Jerry Springer episode.

The setting for our story is the Pearce Fantasy League, a fantasy football legion of 12 men in their early 20s who have spent years competing against one another in the pantheon of made-up sports, while simultaneously becoming friends in the process. I am one of the 12 members of this league, denoted in the transcript as “Alex.”

Though most of us are mutually amicable with one another, one-sixth of the group does not get along. In fact, these two people hate each other. Miserably. Why, you ask? It’s very simple. One individual, who we’ll refer to as “Gorman,” declared his love for a female acquaintance — who we’ll call “Laqueesha,” for the purposes of this exercise — who happened to be in an existing relationship with another male, “Thabo Sefelosha.”

Smitten by Gorman’s advances, Laqueesha left Thabo Sefelosha empty-handed and broken-hearted and ran off with Gorman. Ultimately, Gorman and Laqueesha would wed. Thabo Sefelosha, sadly, would never be the same.

Continue reading Inside The PFL: A Dramatic Script