Written by the commissioner of the Pearce Fantasy League (best fantasy league on earth) and posted to our league page. This is really top-notch poetry. I was literally in awe after reading it. Even if you don’t understand all the inside jokes, you have to appreciate the wording.
Good work, Dave. You’re my hero.
(FYI: This entire poem is made even better by the fact that I’m one of the two teams competing in the Pearce Bowl for the PFL championship.)
‘Twas the night before Pearce Bowl, when all through the league
All the players and teams had combat fatigue;
Continue reading The Greatest Fantasy Football Poem EVER
What the f**k just happened?!
That was my first thought when I woke up this morning and found out that my fantasy football franchise — better known to all of you as The Compton Honkies — had had undeniable defeat snatched from the waiting jaws of all-but-certain victory while I was sleeping.
I awoke to a text from my arch-nemesis, one Peter Lawrence, who was the esteemed benefactor of my loss. His words shook me from a dream in which I was undoubtedly on the verge of making love to something. It was then that I knew. I f**kin’ knew. Because from the moment I had gone to sleep just a few hours prior, I was afraid something like this might happen. And as soon as I heard my phone give me the text beep, I knew it was over. Only one person texts me that early in the morning. And sadly, that person is the fellow you see to your right.
Continue reading The Unprecedented 7-Point Swing
From the vaunted Pearce Fantasy League. The team on the left is owned by the league delinquent.
Of course, the most interesting thing here is that if you look down the list at the Detroit Hit Men’s injury designations, you’ll notice that those red letters spell “POOP,” which is exactly what this team is.
Part I: The Downfall
They were a lowly bunch. A 1-12 season rarely breeds much confidence. They couldn’t win. They couldn’t compete. They barely remained relevant. Scorned by their constituents in the Pearce Fantasy League, the 2009 Compton Honkies were a disgrace to fantasy football. Only one team — the Covington Tsunami — was kind enough to roll over and die for the Honkies, bestowing upon the CPT a gift in the form of their only victory.
They entered the offseason with zero expectations and little hope. The league was getting stronger, while they were getting weaker. Their owner had mitigated the Honkies’ future by trading away draft picks during a failed run at the 2008 PFL championship, a quest for immortality that was halted with a title-game loss to the Bitter Lake Bastards in the vaunted Pearce Bowl. That very same man then compromised even more draft choices by attempting to salvage the 2009 campaign when everyone could see that the year was a lost cause.
He was not stupid, this man, so much as he was passionate. He loved his ballclub unconditionally, and never was content to let his players hang their heads. He talked their game when they failed to walk it. He instilled faith in them when no one else was by their side. He wanted the best for them when they didn’t know what the best was. He was brash, bordering on cocky, but he truly believed in his players and his franchise. He was nothing if not devoted. A consummate optimist, even in the face of extreme pessimism.
Continue reading The Greatest Upset In Fantasy Football History
Two teams in my keeper fantasy football league (the infamous Pearce Fantasy League, of which my team, the Compton Honkies, finished dead last a year ago) pulled off a six-player trade that looks like this:
I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes. Chris Henry is dead.
A few years back, I unknowingly spawned the birth of a legend when I selected LenDale White in the second round of the Pearce Fantasy League keeper draft. Between the 36 players who were kept by the 12 teams in our league, as well as the 12 players who had been taken in the first round, I was left with few options besides the Tennessee Titans’ starting running back.
Little did I know that White wasn’t exactly in the best shape of his life and was about to have his job stolen by the evil Chris Johnson. It didn’t help any that Johnson wasn’t taken until the final few rounds of the draft, after every starter and most backups were already off the board.
And so it was that I was left with LenDale.
Tennessee’s featured back initially, the erratic White kicked off the ’08 campaign by rushing for five touchdowns in the season’s first four games. To say I was pleased would be an understatement. In a typical fantasy season, my best players are usually obtained via free agency or trade. I’m more or less the George Steinbrenner of fake sports.
White kept his tremendous season going with five touchdowns in weeks seven and eight, alone. That put him at 10 scores already for the year. No easy feat through just seven contests (the Titans had a bye in week six).
Continue reading Warming To Plumpy
For those of you who regularly check out the site, you may remember past posts in which I referenced my pride and joy, the Compton Honkies. The Honkies are my fantasy football team and a proud member of the Pearce Fantasy League. We’re known for our bad-ass ways and a penchant for winning in the face of adversity, at least until this year.
Though other incarnations of the Compton Honkies have found ways to win in 2009 (one Honkies squad even took home a championship in a Yahoo! league), the original Honkies organization has compiled a 1-12 record (soon to be 1-13, after our final game) in the PFL this year and is the first team in the league’s history to owe money on top of our $50 entrance fee (each owner pays $50 up front to play, then has the chance to win or lose money on a weekly basis based on various results, all the while competing for a much larger payout in the championship). In short, we sucked badly.
Continue reading The Compton Honkies Crapped On Themselves, Then Went Bankrupt