Was Fred Jackson drag racing? Is it possible he jumped the time-space continuum? We take the case to The People’s Court for further deliberation.
Beyond that, there’s a heavy deal of grumpiness with Starbucks (and plastic knives and Halloween costumes, but mostly Starbucks) to kick off the show, we preview the Seahawks-49ers bout, the UW-Oregon debacle is recapped, and we put a nice bow on episode seven with a testament to true love.
Katelynn Johnson is a student at the University of Oregon. A week ago, you didn’t know her name. Back then, she was just another pretty face in the Ducks’ flock of attractive (in a Fembot sort of way, assuming you’re not an Oregon fan) cheerleaders.
Last Saturday, the Oregon football team was in Tucson to take on the Arizona Wildcats. In a closely-contested battle with bowl implications for both teams, Oregon won on a touchdown in overtime before the proverbial ish hit the fan.
Woke up this morning remembering every detail of my dream in complete clarity. To call this the greatest dream ever is an understatement. At the very least, we need to refer to it with unnecessary capitalization of letters (EVER!).
So here’s the premise.
I’m stuck in Eugene, Oregon for whatever awful reason and find my way into a basketball arena where I’m quickly trapped along with about 20,000 or so other people.
Unbeknownst to everyone else (but beknownst to me, even though beknownst isn’t a word) we are here to be killed. Killed by none other than University of Oregon basketball coach/diabolical genius bent on world domination Ernie Kent.
Using Detroit Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford as a robot weapon of mass destruction, Kent has plotted to have us all murdered for his pure enjoyment (his motive is not made entirely clear to me, though at this point in my dream I’m in that “act first, ask question later” mode).
It’s 4:00 PM PDT which means that the moment is upon us: college football season is officially underway!
ESPN is broadcasting the first big game of the year as we speak, between South Carolina and NC State. Okay, so “big” game is being used loosely. But at least it’s not Wofford vs. San Diego State or anything like that.
The nightcap of their CFB double-header features a battle of two UW rivals, as the hated Oregon Ducks travel to Idaho to take on the slightly-less-hated Boise State Broncos. Personally, I find rooting for either team to be a tough task in this one.
On the one hand you’ve got Oregon, the arch-enemy of the purple-and-gold. Nike U. is a symbol of all things evil in this world, in spite of the fact that I wear Nike apparel and really like their kicks, but that’s beside the point. The point is the Ducks, to me, are the sweat on the devil’s testicles, the absolute lowest of the low in terms of the scum of the nether world.
A gaggle of University of Oregon basketball players were cited by police after shooting metal BBs at ducks and geese Monday night.
Freshmen Michael Dunigan, Josh Crittle, and Teondre Williams were each served with court orders for their role in the harassment of the water fowl at Eugene’s Alton Baker Park.
Police spokeswoman Jenna LaBounty stated that it was unclear whether any of the birds had been injured or killed during the shootings, though the charges placed upon the trio were for discharging firearms, rather than animal cruelty.
One can only speculate on the players’ motive for firing at the birds. Did they need to eat the birds to survive? Had the birds at one time or another offended the players? Did the birds attack the players first?
While the reason for the shooting has yet to be revealed, one thing remains clear. Duck on duck violence has been taken to a whole new level, and it needs to be stopped. Stop the violence!
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