Tag Archives: Oregon Ducks Football

Karate Emergency Episode 2.6: Steve Sarkisian and the Difficulties of Confronting Substance Abuse

TUCSON, AZ - OCTOBER 11:  Head coach Steve Sarkisian of the USC Trojans on the sidelines during the college football game against the Arizona Wildcats at Arizona Stadium on October 11, 2014 in Tucson, Arizona.  The Trojans defeatred the Wildcats 28-26.  (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)

The Karate kids kick off the sixth episode with thoughts on the upcoming Huskies-Ducks showdown, complete with a wager on the game.

From there, we talk Seahawks-Panthers, then devote the back half of the show to a more serious conversation on Steve Sarkisian and the difficulties of confronting the very real scenario of substance abuse in our everyday lives.

It’s a bit of different show this time around. Check it out.

Find every episode of Karate Emergency free on iTunes by clicking here.

Karate Emergency Episode 2.4: Taking Down the SeaPimp


Slickhawk kicks off Episode 4 by verbally suplexing another one of Seattle’s most loathed creatures. It’s a Karate Emergency tradition.

We then dispose of your Facebook hoaxes in a raging dumpster fire, analyze all the Golden Tate rumors, theorize about Momma Lynch’s grammatical acumen, weigh in on the Mariners front office, piss on the ashes of Oregon football, and tie it all together with a deep and meaningful conversation on dating one’s ex.

Check it all out in the fourth installment of Karate Emergency: The New Class, and be sure to find us on iTunes!

Defeating the Ducks and Altering Adulthood

dog-on-duck-1My entire adulthood has been spent hating the Oregon Ducks. That day in 2004 when the Ducks beat Washington 31-6, kicking off a nine-year (and counting) win streak against the Huskies? That was my 20th birthday, October 30, 2004. Since then, the closest the Dawgs have come to knocking off their johnny-come-lately rivals is a 34-17 defeat at Husky Stadium in 2011. Suffice it to say a great deal of vitriol has been built up over nine years of losing.

Anytime an opponent waxes the floor with you for nearly a decade, it’s hard to tolerate just about anything having to do with that opponent’s existence. I’ve learned to loathe Oregon with a passion outweighing similar levels of disdain held for any other rival in any other city in any other sport. Nothing evokes pure disgust, pure detestation, pure revulsion quite like the University of Oregon. I don’t want to beat them every year; I want to destroy them. I want to run up the score on them. I want to embarrass them, to crush them, to make them look as inferior as inferior can be. And yet my team hasn’t supported me on this quest for a proverbial mountaintop borne out of spite. They, like so many others, have been unable to topple the mighty Ducks. And so each year as the annual matchup with our hated foes arrives, we sit here and stew in a cesspool of frustration, anger, and hope.

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The Immortal Legacy of Saint Alejandro Maldonado

Is he the greatest college football player in the history of college football? Many say no, but I say yes.

Is he one of Barbara Walters’ Most Fascinating People of 2011? In fact he is not, but I think he should be.

Is he recognized as the Ghandi of his sport, so altruistic and giving that we should revere this man for more than just the athlete he is? Currently, no. But if I have my way, definitely.

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Terrorist Molesters and the Truth Behind Why We Really Hate Oregon

Two years ago, I wrote an article listing 30 Reasons to Hate the University of Oregon. To say it was one of the more polarizing pieces I’ve ever written would be an understatement, though it should be noted that more positive than negative feedback was received. Which is good. It means that people generally hate the Oregon Ducks as much as I do. That’s how I gauge whether or not I’m crazy. Do they agree with me? They do? Perfect. I’m not insane yet.

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Oregon Football: One Guilty Plea Every Eight Hours

Garrett Embry (left) and Jeremiah Masoli enter guilty pleas on Friday.

In the past 24 hours, three University of Oregon football players have pled guilty to various criminal charges. Running back LaMichael James pled guilty to misdemeanor harassment, while quarterback Jeremiah Masoli and wide receiver Garrett Embry pled guilty to second-degree burglary.

To put this into perspective, when extrapolated, that’s 21 guilty pleas per week, 90 guilty pleas per month, 1,095 guilty pleas per year, and 10,950 guilty pleas per decade.

To further illustrate the sheer magnitude of what this means to the Oregon football program, consider this:

It has been 93 years since the Ducks last won a Rose Bowl. (And frankly, who can forget the 14-0 whooping of Penn State in the 1917 game.) If it takes them another 93 years from this moment to win their next Rose Bowl, they will have already recorded 101,835 guilty pleas. That’s nearly four times more guilty pleas than the number of days the average human lives.

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