Tag Archives: Oregon Ducks Football

Karate Emergency Episode 2.6: Steve Sarkisian and the Difficulties of Confronting Substance Abuse

TUCSON, AZ - OCTOBER 11:  Head coach Steve Sarkisian of the USC Trojans on the sidelines during the college football game against the Arizona Wildcats at Arizona Stadium on October 11, 2014 in Tucson, Arizona.  The Trojans defeatred the Wildcats 28-26.  (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)

The Karate kids kick off the sixth episode with thoughts on the upcoming Huskies-Ducks showdown, complete with a wager on the game.

From there, we talk Seahawks-Panthers, then devote the back half of the show to a more serious conversation on Steve Sarkisian and the difficulties of confronting the very real scenario of substance abuse in our everyday lives.

It’s a bit of different show this time around. Check it out.

Find every episode of Karate Emergency free on iTunes by clicking here.

Karate Emergency Episode 2.4: Taking Down the SeaPimp


Slickhawk kicks off Episode 4 by verbally suplexing another one of Seattle’s most loathed creatures. It’s a Karate Emergency tradition.

We then dispose of your Facebook hoaxes in a raging dumpster fire, analyze all the Golden Tate rumors, theorize about Momma Lynch’s grammatical acumen, weigh in on the Mariners front office, piss on the ashes of Oregon football, and tie it all together with a deep and meaningful conversation on dating one’s ex.

Check it all out in the fourth installment of Karate Emergency: The New Class, and be sure to find us on iTunes!

Defeating the Ducks and Altering Adulthood

dog-on-duck-1My entire adulthood has been spent hating the Oregon Ducks. That day in 2004 when the Ducks beat Washington 31-6, kicking off a nine-year (and counting) win streak against the Huskies? That was my 20th birthday, October 30, 2004. Since then, the closest the Dawgs have come to knocking off their johnny-come-lately rivals is a 34-17 defeat at Husky Stadium in 2011. Suffice it to say a great deal of vitriol has been built up over nine years of losing.

Anytime an opponent waxes the floor with you for nearly a decade, it’s hard to tolerate just about anything having to do with that opponent’s existence. I’ve learned to loathe Oregon with a passion outweighing similar levels of disdain held for any other rival in any other city in any other sport. Nothing evokes pure disgust, pure detestation, pure revulsion quite like the University of Oregon. I don’t want to beat them every year; I want to destroy them. I want to run up the score on them. I want to embarrass them, to crush them, to make them look as inferior as inferior can be. And yet my team hasn’t supported me on this quest for a proverbial mountaintop borne out of spite. They, like so many others, have been unable to topple the mighty Ducks. And so each year as the annual matchup with our hated foes arrives, we sit here and stew in a cesspool of frustration, anger, and hope.

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The Immortal Legacy of Saint Alejandro Maldonado

Is he the greatest college football player in the history of college football? Many say no, but I say yes.

Is he one of Barbara Walters’ Most Fascinating People of 2011? In fact he is not, but I think he should be.

Is he recognized as the Ghandi of his sport, so altruistic and giving that we should revere this man for more than just the athlete he is? Currently, no. But if I have my way, definitely.

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Terrorist Molesters and the Truth Behind Why We Really Hate Oregon

Two years ago, I wrote an article listing 30 Reasons to Hate the University of Oregon. To say it was one of the more polarizing pieces I’ve ever written would be an understatement, though it should be noted that more positive than negative feedback was received. Which is good. It means that people generally hate the Oregon Ducks as much as I do. That’s how I gauge whether or not I’m crazy. Do they agree with me? They do? Perfect. I’m not insane yet.

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Oregon Football: One Guilty Plea Every Eight Hours

Garrett Embry (left) and Jeremiah Masoli enter guilty pleas on Friday.

In the past 24 hours, three University of Oregon football players have pled guilty to various criminal charges. Running back LaMichael James pled guilty to misdemeanor harassment, while quarterback Jeremiah Masoli and wide receiver Garrett Embry pled guilty to second-degree burglary.

To put this into perspective, when extrapolated, that’s 21 guilty pleas per week, 90 guilty pleas per month, 1,095 guilty pleas per year, and 10,950 guilty pleas per decade.

To further illustrate the sheer magnitude of what this means to the Oregon football program, consider this:

It has been 93 years since the Ducks last won a Rose Bowl. (And frankly, who can forget the 14-0 whooping of Penn State in the 1917 game.) If it takes them another 93 years from this moment to win their next Rose Bowl, they will have already recorded 101,835 guilty pleas. That’s nearly four times more guilty pleas than the number of days the average human lives.

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Chip Kelly vs. John Canzano: The Only Winner Here Is Everyone Else

Click here for the radio interview.

I don’t know how anyone could listen to this and not come away feeling like a better person.

The war of words between egotistical, d-bag journalist and embattled football coach produces no winners and two big losers.

Kelly spends 18 minutes of talk time sounding like he’s on the verge of tears.

Canzano seizes the opportunity to tell you about his entire journalistic background, pausing only to iterate and reiterate the same questions over and over and over again.

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Jamere Holland Facebookgate

Of all the problems the University of Oregon has faced with their athletes in the past few months, this one is the best, the most entertaining, and the one you can learn the most from.

Jamere Holland, former wide receiver on the Duck football team, proved over the weekend that updating your Facebook status thoughtlessly can be as egregious an action as DUI, assault, theft, domestic violence, or even animal cruelty (some might call it cannibalism).

Holland, a redshirt freshman with a bad goatee, was dismissed from the program on Sunday after posting consecutive Facebook status updates that more or less destroyed his reputation for the next few years. Worse yet, the 21-year-old had not applied any of the social networking site’s privacy settings to his account, allowing anyone with a computer to view his entire user profile. Whoops.

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Duck Bastards Spiraling Out Of Control

Apparently, losing the Rose Bowl sends your team into complete disarray.

The Oregon Duck football program continued its Lindsay Lohan-like fall with news breaking today that walk-on defensive end Matt Simms has been charged with assault on a man he thought was responsible for assaulting teammate Rob Beard. Beard, a kicker, was sent to the ICU last week when he was beaten unconscious during a campus brawl.

The 6’3″, 207-pound Simms encountered his alleged victim at a party last Saturday night. The alleged victim claims he told Simms he had nothing to do with Beard’s beating, but that didn’t stop Simms from issuing a beatdown of his own.

Police reports state that in spite of the alleged victim’s explanation, Simms punched his target, knocked him to the ground, and continued punching him on the ground. Simms was then taken into custody and charged with misdemeanor assault.

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Most Awesome Moment of the Year Award: LeGarrette Smash

I don’t care who you are. If you didn’t get at least a little excited when Oregon running back LeGarrette Blount socked Boise State’s Byron Hout in the face, you’re not human.

The LeGarrette Punch was absolutely the greatest sports moment of 2009, made even better for those of us living in the great state of Washington. Watching a Duck bastard go apesh*t on a beyotch Bronco is akin to witnessing Saddam Hussain beat up Osama bin Laden. Two figures of our loathing attempting to cancel each other out. Fantastic.

Everything about that moment was perfect. The crap-eating grin on Hout’s face as he talked a little smack. The slightly delayed reaction from Blount. The cold-cocked shot to the grill. The look of pure horror from Hout as he was being drilled. The reaction from Blount as he backed away, practically hopping up and down. The reaction from the surrounding group of players and team personnel. The fact that Hout hit the deck with remarkable aplomb (yes, aplomb).

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It’s Okay, Dawg Fans: The Ducks Are Going To Hell Anyways

Oregon Washington FootballLook, I’m not gonna lie to you guys. I missed the game on Saturday. Didn’t go. First game I’ve missed all year.

I had a wedding to attend and in hindsight I’m glad I went to the wedding and not the massacre on Montlake. I’d much rather be in the presence of true love than that of pure evil, which is exactly what the Oregon Ducks are.

I was able to watch most of the first half on TV before leaving for the wedding. It wasn’t bad. The Huskies played okay and the Ducks only scored on one offensive possession. A pretty good showing.

But when all was said and done, we had lost by a hefty margin. So obviously we sucked in the second half. I don’t know exactly how it all went down, and frankly I don’t care to know. We lost, that’s all that matters.

What we need to remember in losing is that we can’t give the Ducks any credit for the win. I know, that sounds bad, but it’s true.

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30 Reasons To Hate The University Of Oregon

harringtonBecause everyone could use another reason to despise Whoregon.

30. Chip Kelly. What a smug bastard.

29. The mascot. Even he can’t stay out of trouble.

28. Steve Prefontaine. There was something not quite right about that malnourished hippie.

27. Mac Court. An ugly, disease-infested building.

26. Animal cruelty charges. Duck on duck violence. We make an example out of Michael Vick, but give these guys a free pass. That’s messed up.

25. Their plethora of draft busts. If you’re a fan of a pro sports franchise and your team drafts a Duck, you might as well mail in the next five years.

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Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Ducks

oregonsucksThe Washington Huskies football team takes on their archrival to the south this weekend when they face the Oregon Ducks at Husky Stadium.

In order to educate fans on our opponent, we did some research on Ducks and have compiled our findings in this article.

Each of the following entries have been adapted from various references across the web. Please follow the highlighted links within the text for visual aids.

1. Origin of the word “duck”

The term duck comes from the old English word dūce.

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