Below is a response to a letter penned to Seattle by The Oklahoman columnist Jenni Carlson. Read at your own risk.
Dear Oklahoma City,
Truce? I don’t think so.
Here in Seattle, we’ve been watching your basketball team and its slobber-knocking run to an inevitable playoff ouster. We see the joy our former Sonics have created. We see the passion your fans have for this championship-losing bound bunch. We see the arm-waving, cousin-banging Thunder-up insanity of it all.
And we wonder if it’s time you went and fucked yourselves.
You’ve got a great, albeit unaccomplished basketball team.
We’ve got a great football team.
Can we all just agree that you’ll go fuck yourselves?
Sure, there will probably always be some people in Oklahoma City who want to get along with Seattle because they need validation and have a strong desire to be liked and accepted by all of society. They watched a couple years ago when the Thunder lost in the NBA Finals and felt that a future of fateful title defeats might be avoided if a bit of good karma was extended the Pacific Northwest’s way.
Continue reading Hey, Oklahoma City: Can you stop being passive-aggressive jerkoffs now?
Seriously. Heckuva season. No shame in almost winning it all. Lots of people to acknowledge here, so let’s not waste any time.
First off, congratulations to Clay Bennett and Aubrey McClendon, owners of the coveted second-place trophy. That’s fantastic.
Second, to my man Brian Davis, former Seattleite and employee of Fox Sports Northwest who left to become Oklahoma City’s play-by-play guy — stay true, Big Dawg.
Third, to all the players who tried really hard: good effort, good job.
Fourth, shout out to the kids in Africa rockin’ the 2012 Oklahoma City Thunder NBA Championship gear. Enjoy that shit.
And finally, to all the fans out there who don’t know what it feels like to win a title, I give you this:
That’s how it’s done.
Thank you, Miami Heat.
Give us our team back, David Stern.
Smug Yankees Player: We just wanna say, you guys played a good game. And we treated you pretty unfair all season, we want to apologize. We still don’t think you’re all that good a baseball team…you got guts, all of you.
Tanner Boyle: Hey, Yankees! You can take your apology AND your trophy and shove ’em straight up your ass!
In a perfect world, a sinkhole would open up directly beneath Oklahoma City and the entire municipality would just fall right in. There. I said it. And no, I’m not sorry. We’ve all thought it before. We just never say it. Because we’re taking the high road, after all. That’s who we are. We turn the other cheek. Oh, you want our basketball team? Well, alright. We don’t like this one bit. But we won’t speak ill of you so much as we’ll just petition the league for a new team. Because that’s what it’s all about, right? Everyone should get a team. This is Utopia. Teams for all!
F**k that shit.
Continue reading We Don’t Need Your S***, Oklahoma