Tag Archives: NFL

Top 11: Signs Your Fantasy Football Team Sucks

Have you seen this man? Neither have I.
Have you seen this man? Neither have I.

In this era of fantasy athletics, there are always going to be fantasy winners and fantasy losers. You strive to be a winner, but more often than not you lose. And you don’t know why.

Lucky for you, we’ve got your answers.

From sleepers to sure-things, we all make mistakes. The first step towards success is admitting we’ve made mistakes, correcting those mistakes, and moving forward from those mistakes.

Nobody is perfect and we all have our flaws. Together, we can overcome just about anything. Even Tarvaris Jackson.

On to the list…

11. Your sleepers are still sleeping

The “experts” told you to take chances on guys like Josh Morgan, Derrick Ward, and Nate Washington. Whoops. Guess they were wrong.

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Top 11: Fantasy Football Players We Love To Hate

anthonygonzalez2Every year around this time, millions of Americans kick off fantasy football season. After months of scouting, drafting, adding, and dropping, all the blood, sweat, tears, and hand cramps that go along with preparing for a new year of fake football become absolutely worthwhile.

Amidst all the pomp and circumstance of the moment is a group of real-life football players that are seemingly brought to this earth to torment the fictional locker rooms of our made-up ballclubs. They may be superstars who absolutely murder the opposition, big-name Pro Bowl-types who can’t get it done on paper, or the projected fantasy studs that can’t step their game up.

No matter who they are, we all can agree that they are deserving of our hatred. Which is why we’ve narrowed the group down and present for your enjoyment a list of the Top 11 Fantasy Football Players We Love To Hate.

*Editor’s Note: This list only includes active NFL players. So sorry, Shaun Alexander, but you don’t qualify.

11. Anthony Gonzalez, WR, Indianapolis Colts

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It’s Just A Sweet, Sweet Fantasy, Baby

Slaton couldn't even rush for his jersey number in Week One
Slaton couldn't even rush for his jersey number in Week One

Week one of the NFL season is less than 24 hours from being in the books, which means it’s time to talk fantasy football. Because if there’s one thing I know and want to talk about, it’s what I like to call The Three F’s: Fantasy F*cking Football.

You’re probably wondering why you should trust anything I have to say about fantasy when there are guys out there like Matthew Berry (nerd alert) and Brandon Funston (he works for Yahoo, which is the Detroit Lions of sports info websites) who make a living out of talking about fake football. The difference between guys like that and guys like me is that I can tell you the truth, while they have to worry about the repercussions of pissing off real-life football players who might eat their children if anything bad about said player is published.

Me, I’ve got two legs to stand on and eight fantasy teams, plus one survivor pool, and one Pac-10 league to worry about. If Steve Slaton is upset with me because I need his ass to put up numbers, then so be it. Bring it, Steve.

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The Weekend Rundown

Idaho Washington FootballHere’s what you may have missed if you spent the past weekend under a rock, in Afghanistan, or just generally being ignorant to the world around you.

Saturday

Perhaps the only weekend of the season where all three major in-state football teams — the Huskies, Cougars, and Seahawks — had a legitimate shot at winning games. Well, at least we thought it was a legitimate shot. We were wrong about one team.

The Huskies began the day, smoke machine and all, by treating the Idaho Vandals the way any WAC team should be treated.

From kickoff, the game belonged to Washington. Scratch that, it actually belonged to the referees, who went all Ike Turner on the Vandals. Idaho racked up penalties on seemingly every first quarter play. Maybe it was Washington’s talent overwhelming them, or maybe they’re just notorious cheaters. Either way, I can’t say I’ve ever seen more than one first-and-30 situation for the same team in any given game until Saturday. Thank you, Idaho.

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Nothing Says “I Love You” Like A Picture Of Sean Salisbury’s Penis

56685883CA008_Super_Bowl_XLOnce upon a time, Sean Salisbury got in trouble at ESPN for (allegedly) taking pictures of his penis and texting (or “sexting,” as the kids say) them to female coworkers. Oops.

Apparently, Salisbury — who has since been let go by the sports media giant — didn’t get the message the first time around: SEAN, IT IS NOT OKAY TO TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR PENIS AND SEND THEM TO WOMEN FROM YOUR CELL PHONE. NOT OKAY!

As of Friday, the former NFL quarterback has been terminated from his job at a Dallas radio station for (allegedly) doing the exact same thing he did at ESPN. Oops again.

Two things to take away from this.

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The Brutally Honest NFL Preview: AFC East

Can Sanchez build a winner in New York?
Can Sanchez build a winner in New York?

The fourth installment of our 2009 NFL Preview. Teams are ranked by projected finish.

1. New York Jets

You’re on crack, you’re on dope, you’re on LSD, you’re high, you’re intoxicated, you’re a homer (I’m not from New York), you’re insane, you’re gay.

Fact is I’m none of these things, but chances are you’re thinking it about me right now because a) this is New England’s division, b) the Dolphins are expected to be as good or better than the Jets, and c) major publications like Sports Illustrated have picked New York to finish no better than third in the AFC East. Lucky for me, I have no credibility and hence nothing to lose in making this prognostication. Allow me to explain.

First, why not the Pats or Fins?

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Are You S#!@@!%& Me?! Burress To Serve Two Years In Prison

Burress Weapons Charges FootballFormer New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress is preparing to serve two years in New York state penitentiary after agreeing today to plead guilty to one count of attempted criminal possession of a weapon. Which I guess means he tried to possess the weapon in criminal fashion, but failed to do so criminally enough.

Let me just get right to the guts of this story. If Burress serves the entirety of his prison sentence, he will have spent more time in jail than Michael Vick (18 months) and Donte Stallworth (24 days) combined. So what do you get when you add one genocidal dog killer with a vehicular homicidal drunk? Apparently you get a guy who shoots himself in the leg in a victimless crime.

Let’s not overlook the fact that unlike thousands of crimes that take place in America on a daily basis, Burress’s criminal act had no victim. There was potential for a victim, yes, and there were laws broken in that Burress had no right to be toting a firearm. But outside of hurting his own damn self, Burress caused no discernable harm to anyone else.

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