Every year around this time, millions of Americans kick off fantasy football season. After months of scouting, drafting, adding, and dropping, all the blood, sweat, tears, and hand cramps that go along with preparing for a new year of fake football become absolutely worthwhile.
Amidst all the pomp and circumstance of the moment is a group of real-life football players that are seemingly brought to this earth to torment the fictional locker rooms of our made-up ballclubs. They may be superstars who absolutely murder the opposition, big-name Pro Bowl-types who can’t get it done on paper, or the projected fantasy studs that can’t step their game up.
No matter who they are, we all can agree that they are deserving of our hatred. Which is why we’ve narrowed the group down and present for your enjoyment a list of the Top 11 Fantasy Football Players We Love To Hate.
*Editor’s Note: This list only includes active NFL players. So sorry, Shaun Alexander, but you don’t qualify.
Week one of the NFL season is less than 24 hours from being in the books, which means it’s time to talk fantasy football. Because if there’s one thing I know and want to talk about, it’s what I like to call The Three F’s: Fantasy F*cking Football.
You’re probably wondering why you should trust anything I have to say about fantasy when there are guys out there like Matthew Berry (nerd alert) and Brandon Funston (he works for Yahoo, which is the Detroit Lions of sports info websites) who make a living out of talking about fake football. The difference between guys like that and guys like me is that I can tell you the truth, while they have to worry about the repercussions of pissing off real-life football players who might eat their children if anything bad about said player is published.
Me, I’ve got two legs to stand on and eight fantasy teams, plus one survivor pool, and one Pac-10 league to worry about. If Steve Slaton is upset with me because I need his ass to put up numbers, then so be it. Bring it, Steve.
Here’s what you may have missed if you spent the past weekend under a rock, in Afghanistan, or just generally being ignorant to the world around you.
Perhaps the only weekend of the season where all three major in-state football teams — the Huskies, Cougars, and Seahawks — had a legitimate shot at winning games. Well, at least we thought it was a legitimate shot. We were wrong about one team.
The Huskies began the day, smoke machine and all, by treating the Idaho Vandals the way any WAC team should be treated.
From kickoff, the game belonged to Washington. Scratch that, it actually belonged to the referees, who went all Ike Turner on the Vandals. Idaho racked up penalties on seemingly every first quarter play. Maybe it was Washington’s talent overwhelming them, or maybe they’re just notorious cheaters. Either way, I can’t say I’ve ever seen more than one first-and-30 situation for the same team in any given game until Saturday. Thank you, Idaho.
Once upon a time, Sean Salisbury got in trouble at ESPN for (allegedly) taking pictures of his penis and texting (or “sexting,” as the kids say) them to female coworkers. Oops.
Apparently, Salisbury — who has since been let go by the sports media giant — didn’t get the message the first time around: SEAN, IT IS NOT OKAY TO TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR PENIS AND SEND THEM TO WOMEN FROM YOUR CELL PHONE. NOT OKAY!
As of Friday, the former NFL quarterback has been terminated from his job at a Dallas radio station for (allegedly) doing the exact same thing he did at ESPN. Oops again.
The fourth installment of our 2009 NFL Preview. Teams are ranked by projected finish.
1. New York Jets
You’re on crack, you’re on dope, you’re on LSD, you’re high, you’re intoxicated, you’re a homer (I’m not from New York), you’re insane, you’re gay.
Fact is I’m none of these things, but chances are you’re thinking it about me right now because a) this is New England’s division, b) the Dolphins are expected to be as good or better than the Jets, and c) major publications like Sports Illustrated have picked New York to finish no better than third in the AFC East. Lucky for me, I have no credibility and hence nothing to lose in making this prognostication. Allow me to explain.
Former New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress is preparing to serve two years in New York state penitentiary after agreeing today to plead guilty to one count of attempted criminal possession of a weapon. Which I guess means he tried to possess the weapon in criminal fashion, but failed to do so criminally enough.
Let me just get right to the guts of this story. If Burress serves the entirety of his prison sentence, he will have spent more time in jail than Michael Vick (18 months) and Donte Stallworth (24 days) combined. So what do you get when you add one genocidal dog killer with a vehicular homicidal drunk? Apparently you get a guy who shoots himself in the leg in a victimless crime.
Let’s not overlook the fact that unlike thousands of crimes that take place in America on a daily basis, Burress’s criminal act had no victim. There was potential for a victim, yes, and there were laws broken in that Burress had no right to be toting a firearm. But outside of hurting his own damn self, Burress caused no discernable harm to anyone else.