Happy Blue Friday, Seahawks fans, and welcome to the 2015 NFL season. The Hawks take on the lightly-hated Rams in St. Louis on Sunday at 10:00 a.m. Pacific Time and we’re here to tell you what these cake-eaters down in Missouri are all about. As the year progresses, we’ll bring you a look at Seattle’s next opponent each week, so check back often. Without further ado, let’s investigate these bastards.
First of all, a ram is a stupid mascot. Rams are the belligerent, drunk assholes of the animal kingdom, literally butting heads with every other being they encounter. They wake up in a cave, walk outside, see another creature in their space, and go flying at it like a wayward safety with no regard for CTE. If you really wanted to be represented by a belligerent, drunk asshole, why not name the team after your idiot friend Steve, who gets all handsy and racist when he’s had a few too many whiskey sours. The St. Louis Drunk Steves. It’s a more accurate depiction of the foolishness we’re dealing with here.
The team itself is no better than its mascot.
Jeff Fisher and his staff have assembled a roster that looks like it was borne from a night of heavy drinking. This team is sticking Nick Foles under center and actually expecting to win games. Some of you may remember Foles from his underwhelming stint with the Eagles. Others may recall his college days at the University of Arizona, where Foles had a penchant for throwing dink-and-dunk bubble screens for weeks at a time. The 26-year-old is the veritable equivalent of a slap hitter in baseball, eking out yardage in the most undeserving way possible. Plus he looks like Sunshine from Remember the Titans — if Sunshine from Remember the Titans got kicked in the face by a pack mule.
Continue reading Know Your F@#%ing Opponent: St. Louis Rams
I’ve seen you before. Once upon a time, in a previous life, I was that guy working a middling retail job on the weekends. I was the 21-year-old in a suit standing with my hands clasped at the waist pretending to give a shit about the seasonal sale going on around me, when in reality all I wanted was to be at a football game with my friends. I was that guy who stared you down and silently searched for any semblance of life, any hint of vigor, all while wordlessly pleading with you to GET OUT NOW.
I would have killed to be in your shoes back then. Weekends to myself, the freedom to do whatever I pleased, the ability to park my ass on a couch for eight straight hours and watch grown men beat the living piss out of each other, one quarter at a time. I wanted your life. Until I saw your face. Until I looked in your eyes.
Continue reading An Ode to the Emasculated
Trade Lofa Tatupu? That’s just crazy talk. He’s a Pro Bowler, a captain, and seemingly every fan (myself included) wears his jersey on gameday. All things included, from his on-field leadership to his marketing capabilities, this is a bonehead move. Right?
In just five seasons, Tatupu has established himself as one of the greatest defensive players in Seattle Seahawks history. A three-time Pro Bowl selection (2005, 2006, 2007) and an All-Pro (2007), the team’s middle linebacker is one of the faces of this franchise, along with Matt Hasselbeck.
Why trade him then?
1) Because he’s valuable.
2) Because a worthy replacement is already on the roster.
3) Because the Seahawks are two years away from seriously contending.
Continue reading Seahawks Should Consider Trading Lofa Tatupu
…He goes and does something like this, and TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF! To quote Dumb and Dumber.
Really, how can you not love Chad Johnson-Ochocinco after a move like that? Buying up all the unsold tickets to prevent a blackout of Sunday’s Bengals game. That’s class.
To top it off, Chad went out and purchased 40 tickets to give away to anyone interested in seeing Law Abiding Citizen tonight, too.
What a guy. Call him a distraction or a diva if you must, but there are times when the man has his brilliant moments in life. And these are two of them.
Everyone knows that Larry Johnson is having a bad year.
The Kansas City Chiefs starting tailback has put up measley numbers despite ample opportunity in five games this season.
Johnson, who rushed for over 1,700 yards in both 2005 and 2006, has had an up and down career marked by inconsistency and, most notably, a couple scrapes with the law.
Even still, nobody deserves an assessment like this. Even if it is 100% statistical fact.
Continue reading The Breaking Of Larry Johnson
If Rush Limbaugh wants to buy a football team, then he should be allowed to buy a football team. Why the hell not, right? The guy has the funds to do so, he’s not a criminal, and it is within his right as an American citizen to be able to make a legal purchase of property that is, in turn, legally and willingly sold to him.
This whole “Ban Rush” fest is getting ridiculously out of hand. It seems like every single person on the planet wants to keep him from spending his money as he wishes. I don’t even like the guy. But I respect his right to exchange currency for goods and services within the confines of our nation.
Limbaugh is a controversial figure, there’s no getting around that. He has made a living ripping other individuals, essentially turning himself into a target for scrutiny in the process. He has said some things that cannot ever be atoned for, that have tarnished the image he seemingly cares little about, and that have led to this whirlwind of speculation over his potential ownership of the NFL’s St. Louis Rams.
Continue reading Rush Limbaugh, American Citizen, Has Every Right To Buy An NFL Team
Somebody out there doesn’t want Rush Limbaugh to buy the Rams. Psssh. Sure, we give the Mormon church free reign over the FCC but a rich, fat white man with his sights set on running a plantation or six can’t buy the worst team in the NFL.
This is America, people. If Rush Limbaugh wants to own the Rams, who are we to stop him. Donovan McNabb might never play for the guy, but for every McNabb there’s at least three or four Matt Cassels in the NFL.
Anyways, check out the full story here.