Happy Blue Friday, Seahawks fans, and welcome to the 2015 NFL season. The Hawks take on the lightly-hated Rams in St. Louis on Sunday at 10:00 a.m. Pacific Time and we’re here to tell you what these cake-eaters down in Missouri are all about. As the year progresses, we’ll bring you a look at Seattle’s next opponent each week, so check back often. Without further ado, let’s investigate these bastards.
First of all, a ram is a stupid mascot. Rams are the belligerent, drunk assholes of the animal kingdom, literally butting heads with every other being they encounter. They wake up in a cave, walk outside, see another creature in their space, and go flying at it like a wayward safety with no regard for CTE. If you really wanted to be represented by a belligerent, drunk asshole, why not name the team after your idiot friend Steve, who gets all handsy and racist when he’s had a few too many whiskey sours. The St. Louis Drunk Steves. It’s a more accurate depiction of the foolishness we’re dealing with here.
The team itself is no better than its mascot.
Jeff Fisher and his staff have assembled a roster that looks like it was borne from a night of heavy drinking. This team is sticking Nick Foles under center and actually expecting to win games. Some of you may remember Foles from his underwhelming stint with the Eagles. Others may recall his college days at the University of Arizona, where Foles had a penchant for throwing dink-and-dunk bubble screens for weeks at a time. The 26-year-old is the veritable equivalent of a slap hitter in baseball, eking out yardage in the most undeserving way possible. Plus he looks like Sunshine from Remember the Titans — if Sunshine from Remember the Titans got kicked in the face by a pack mule.
I’ve seen you before. Once upon a time, in a previous life, I was that guy working a middling retail job on the weekends. I was the 21-year-old in a suit standing with my hands clasped at the waist pretending to give a shit about the seasonal sale going on around me, when in reality all I wanted was to be at a football game with my friends. I was that guy who stared you down and silently searched for any semblance of life, any hint of vigor, all while wordlessly pleading with you to GET OUT NOW.
I would have killed to be in your shoes back then. Weekends to myself, the freedom to do whatever I pleased, the ability to park my ass on a couch for eight straight hours and watch grown men beat the living piss out of each other, one quarter at a time. I wanted your life. Until I saw your face. Until I looked in your eyes.
Trade Lofa Tatupu? That’s just crazy talk. He’s a Pro Bowler, a captain, and seemingly every fan (myself included) wears his jersey on gameday. All things included, from his on-field leadership to his marketing capabilities, this is a bonehead move. Right?
In just five seasons, Tatupu has established himself as one of the greatest defensive players in Seattle Seahawks history. A three-time Pro Bowl selection (2005, 2006, 2007) and an All-Pro (2007), the team’s middle linebacker is one of the faces of this franchise, along with Matt Hasselbeck.
Why trade him then?
1) Because he’s valuable.
2) Because a worthy replacement is already on the roster.
3) Because the Seahawks are two years away from seriously contending.
If Rush Limbaugh wants to buy a football team, then he should be allowed to buy a football team. Why the hell not, right? The guy has the funds to do so, he’s not a criminal, and it is within his right as an American citizen to be able to make a legal purchase of property that is, in turn, legally and willingly sold to him.
This whole “Ban Rush” fest is getting ridiculously out of hand. It seems like every single person on the planet wants to keep him from spending his money as he wishes. I don’t even like the guy. But I respect his right to exchange currency for goods and services within the confines of our nation.
Limbaugh is a controversial figure, there’s no getting around that. He has made a living ripping other individuals, essentially turning himself into a target for scrutiny in the process. He has said some things that cannot ever be atoned for, that have tarnished the image he seemingly cares little about, and that have led to this whirlwind of speculation over his potential ownership of the NFL’s St. Louis Rams.
Somebody out there doesn’t want Rush Limbaugh to buy the Rams. Psssh. Sure, we give the Mormon church free reign over the FCC but a rich, fat white man with his sights set on running a plantation or six can’t buy the worst team in the NFL.
This is America, people. If Rush Limbaugh wants to own the Rams, who are we to stop him. Donovan McNabb might never play for the guy, but for every McNabb there’s at least three or four Matt Cassels in the NFL.
Every year around this time, millions of Americans kick off fantasy football season. After months of scouting, drafting, adding, and dropping, all the blood, sweat, tears, and hand cramps that go along with preparing for a new year of fake football become absolutely worthwhile.
Amidst all the pomp and circumstance of the moment is a group of real-life football players that are seemingly brought to this earth to torment the fictional locker rooms of our made-up ballclubs. They may be superstars who absolutely murder the opposition, big-name Pro Bowl-types who can’t get it done on paper, or the projected fantasy studs that can’t step their game up.
No matter who they are, we all can agree that they are deserving of our hatred. Which is why we’ve narrowed the group down and present for your enjoyment a list of the Top 11 Fantasy Football Players We Love To Hate.
*Editor’s Note: This list only includes active NFL players. So sorry, Shaun Alexander, but you don’t qualify.
Week one of the NFL season is less than 24 hours from being in the books, which means it’s time to talk fantasy football. Because if there’s one thing I know and want to talk about, it’s what I like to call The Three F’s: Fantasy F*cking Football.
You’re probably wondering why you should trust anything I have to say about fantasy when there are guys out there like Matthew Berry (nerd alert) and Brandon Funston (he works for Yahoo, which is the Detroit Lions of sports info websites) who make a living out of talking about fake football. The difference between guys like that and guys like me is that I can tell you the truth, while they have to worry about the repercussions of pissing off real-life football players who might eat their children if anything bad about said player is published.
Me, I’ve got two legs to stand on and eight fantasy teams, plus one survivor pool, and one Pac-10 league to worry about. If Steve Slaton is upset with me because I need his ass to put up numbers, then so be it. Bring it, Steve.
Here’s what you may have missed if you spent the past weekend under a rock, in Afghanistan, or just generally being ignorant to the world around you.
Perhaps the only weekend of the season where all three major in-state football teams — the Huskies, Cougars, and Seahawks — had a legitimate shot at winning games. Well, at least we thought it was a legitimate shot. We were wrong about one team.
The Huskies began the day, smoke machine and all, by treating the Idaho Vandals the way any WAC team should be treated.
From kickoff, the game belonged to Washington. Scratch that, it actually belonged to the referees, who went all Ike Turner on the Vandals. Idaho racked up penalties on seemingly every first quarter play. Maybe it was Washington’s talent overwhelming them, or maybe they’re just notorious cheaters. Either way, I can’t say I’ve ever seen more than one first-and-30 situation for the same team in any given game until Saturday. Thank you, Idaho.
Once upon a time, Sean Salisbury got in trouble at ESPN for (allegedly) taking pictures of his penis and texting (or “sexting,” as the kids say) them to female coworkers. Oops.
Apparently, Salisbury — who has since been let go by the sports media giant — didn’t get the message the first time around: SEAN, IT IS NOT OKAY TO TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR PENIS AND SEND THEM TO WOMEN FROM YOUR CELL PHONE. NOT OKAY!
As of Friday, the former NFL quarterback has been terminated from his job at a Dallas radio station for (allegedly) doing the exact same thing he did at ESPN. Oops again.
The fourth installment of our 2009 NFL Preview. Teams are ranked by projected finish.
1. New York Jets
You’re on crack, you’re on dope, you’re on LSD, you’re high, you’re intoxicated, you’re a homer (I’m not from New York), you’re insane, you’re gay.
Fact is I’m none of these things, but chances are you’re thinking it about me right now because a) this is New England’s division, b) the Dolphins are expected to be as good or better than the Jets, and c) major publications like Sports Illustrated have picked New York to finish no better than third in the AFC East. Lucky for me, I have no credibility and hence nothing to lose in making this prognostication. Allow me to explain.
Former New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress is preparing to serve two years in New York state penitentiary after agreeing today to plead guilty to one count of attempted criminal possession of a weapon. Which I guess means he tried to possess the weapon in criminal fashion, but failed to do so criminally enough.
Let me just get right to the guts of this story. If Burress serves the entirety of his prison sentence, he will have spent more time in jail than Michael Vick (18 months) and Donte Stallworth (24 days) combined. So what do you get when you add one genocidal dog killer with a vehicular homicidal drunk? Apparently you get a guy who shoots himself in the leg in a victimless crime.
Let’s not overlook the fact that unlike thousands of crimes that take place in America on a daily basis, Burress’s criminal act had no victim. There was potential for a victim, yes, and there were laws broken in that Burress had no right to be toting a firearm. But outside of hurting his own damn self, Burress caused no discernable harm to anyone else.
That doesn’t mean he should spend a year or longer in jail, however.
Burress, as many can recall, accidentally shot himself in the leg with an unlicensed gun in a New York night club last year. The incident was stupid, regrettable, and dangerous.
But it was also isolated and left the assailant as the only victim involved.
So why send Burress to jail for such an extended period of time for making a fool of himself?
Two reasons: He’s black, and he has a history of being a boneheaded football player. Not that any good prosecutor would ever admit this or even think to breach the topic, but it’s the truth and it’s the unfortunate reality that Plaxico Burress is currently encountering.