Tag Archives: MLB

Jonathan Papelbon Is A Ritard

jonathan_papelbon2For the second time this year, Jonathan Papelbon has been fined $5,000 for taking too long to deliver a pitch.

You can read about it here.

On a personal note, I’m glad to see the Red Sox closer get what he deserves. Papelbon is the new Curt Schilling with his outspoken nature and his inability to keep his mouth shut in the press.

I only hope they can find new, creative ways to take his money in the future. “That’s $10,000 for puffing your cheeks too many times!”

Building The Perfect Baseball Player

Rays Marlins BaseballIn the movie Napoleon Dynamite, the title character (played by Jon Heder) draws up a fictional animal he calls a “liger,” which is a lion and tiger mixed and is “bred for its skills in magic.”

Using this as our motivation, we decided to create the perfect baseball player by utilizing the traits and abilities of Major League Baseball’s current superstars to assist us.

From the cerebral to the physical, we breakdown the structure of our superhuman man-beast part by part. Enjoy.

Carl Crawford’s Legs

We’ll start from the ground up.

Crawford is one of the game’s fastest players, and arguably the most adept base stealer of the current generation.

Continue reading Building The Perfect Baseball Player

And Your Newest Annoying Celebrity Hookup Nickname Is…Kate-Rod!

arodIn your tabloid journalism news of the day, the New York Post is reporting that Alex Rodriguez and Kate Hudson are dating.

I think I speak for everyone when I say Kate Hudson deserves better.

That said, since divorcing ex-husband Chris Robinson (that weirdo lead singer of the Black Crowes) a few years ago, Hudson has been “linked” (tabloid lingo for “had sex with”) to such celebrities as Owen Wilson, Lance Armstrong, and Dax Shepard. So to say the bar is set high for A-Rod would be a complete lie.

If you’re keeping score at home, however, this is a ginormous step up for the Yankee third baseman.

After reportedly exploding his linkage all over Madonna in recent months, Kate Hudson is the baseball equivalent of a home run. Or at least a sac fly.

In fact, of all of Rodriguez’s past links, Hudson has to be considered the most normal. She has no charity case adoptive children from foreign countries, nor has she said crazy things about A-Rod in the press yet. Things are looking up!

Manager’s Blunder Forces Rays Pitcher To Hit Third

The Rays may have a new middle-of-the-order threat in Sonnanstine.
The Rays have a new middle-of-the-order threat in Sonnanstine.

A lineup card blunder by Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon forced the team to insert starting pitcher Andy Sonnanstine into the third slot in the batting order during Sunday’s game against Cleveland.

Maddon composed a lineup featuring two third basemen and no designated hitter. The original plan was to have regular third baseman Evan Longoria as the DH, with utility man Ben Zobrist getting the start at third.

The goof created a pregame delay, with umpires deliberating over the correct ruling on the error.

Continue reading Manager’s Blunder Forces Rays Pitcher To Hit Third

Fixing the Guaranteed Contract Situation

Think buyout.
Think buyout.

How do we fix the guaranteed contract situation of the NBA and MLB?

Whereas the NFL has a hard salary cap in place that allows contracts to be terminated at a moment’s notice (like any other job in America), the other two major professional sports leagues have a tendency to overpay mediocre players for long periods of time, often handicapping franchises and angering fans.

There is a solution, beyond resorting to the NFL cap and non-guaranteed contracts, and it’s called commission. Yes, commission. A performance-based adjusting pay scale that is determined on a year-to-year basis. Here’s how it would work:

Continue reading Fixing the Guaranteed Contract Situation

Bob Melvin proves Seattle fans right, gets fired in AZ

bobmelvinFormer Mariners manager Bob Melvin was relieved of his duties as skipper of the Arizona Diamondbacks on Friday, just proving that M’s fans were right all along.

Bryan Price, ex-pitching coach for your Seattle Mariners, opted to go down with the sinking ship, as well. He resigned on his accord following Melvin’s ouster.

Remember when B0-Mel was supposed to the be the wunderkind that was going to lead Arizona to the promised land? In reality, he’s just another fringe manager with a boring personality and little talent at lineup tinkering. Seattle is vindicated.

If Hideki Irabu can get a job, why can’t Bobby Ayala?

The Fat Toad
The Fat Toad

This quote taken from the official blog of the Long Beach Armada (of the independent Golden Baseball League), bordering on Nazi propaganda:

“Hope you speak Japanese!  The flame-throwing Hideki Irabu will take the mound for the Armada in 2009.  With a pitching staff that already includes Jose Lima, this is sure [to] be a great season.”

Personally, I don’t know what’s worse. The fact that the Armada hope you speak Japanese, the fact that they are trying to get people this excited about ex-Yankee Hideki Irabu, or the fact that they threw Jose Lima into the same sentence for no apparent reason (is it Lima Time already?).

As a chubby, half-Japanese seventh grader who happened to play baseball during Irabu’s rookie season in 1997, my bastard friends in middle school made the inevitable comparisons between myself and the former pitching great (I say this in jest). After enduring an entire year of being called “Hideki” (including having some folks pen the name into my seventh grade yearbook), I have to imagine that the only thing worse than being labeled Hideki is actually being Hideki.

God save the Long Beach Armada.