Tag Archives: Mike Carp

The Legend of Mike Motherf**king Carp

According to Jim Bouton’s epic masterpiece Ball Four, the great Ted Williams used to motivate himself in the batting cage by shouting, “I’m Ted Motherf**king Williams!” with each prodigious hack.

If that story holds true, then I have a suggestion for the newly-recalled Mike Carp: walk into the Mariners’ clubhouse, shove Chone Figgins to the ground, grab a handful of meat and cheese from the pregame spread and eat it, shove Figgins back down to the ground because he just got up, then announce to your teammates, “Remember me? I’m Mike Motherf**king Carp.”

Mike Carp is a freakin’ superhero. The man has put up numbers that boggle the mind at Triple-A Tacoma this year, all while his big league brethren have flailed around at the dish.

Just look at a brief sampling of Carp’s offensive statistics:

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Adrian Beltre’s Nuts Are Okay

testiclesAdrian Beltre has been activated from the 15-day disabled list, meaning his lacerated bleeding testicles are fully healed. The emotional scarring may never disappear, however.

Beltre, who was injured when a wayward ground ball collided with his groin, had been practicing in recent days…without a protective cup. Guess it’s tough to change your ways.

Also returning to the lineup this evening is right fielder Ichiro Suzuki. The M’s leadoff hitter has been nursing a tight calf and hasn’t played in nine days.

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