Tag Archives: Miami Heat

Let’s Hear It For The 2012 NBA Runner-Up Oklahoma City Thunder!

Seriously. Heckuva season. No shame in almost winning it all. Lots of people to acknowledge here, so let’s not waste any time.

First off, congratulations to Clay Bennett and Aubrey McClendon, owners of the coveted second-place trophy. That’s fantastic.

Second, to my man Brian Davis, former Seattleite and employee of Fox Sports Northwest who left to become Oklahoma City’s play-by-play guy — stay true, Big Dawg.

Third, to all the players who tried really hard: good effort, good job.

Fourth, shout out to the kids in Africa rockin’ the 2012 Oklahoma City Thunder NBA Championship gear. Enjoy that shit.

And finally, to all the fans out there who don’t know what it feels like to win a title, I give you this:

That’s how it’s done.

Thank you, Miami Heat.

Go Sonics.

Give us our team back, David Stern.

We Are All Heat Fans

The following is a piece I was graciously asked to write for allucanHEAT.com, a Miami Heat site on the FanSided.com network. You can check out the article on allucanHEAT by clicking here, or simply read on…

First of all, I don’t give a damn about the Miami Heat. The Big Three, in particular, annoys me.

LeBron James? He’s an aloof weirdo incapable of normal social interaction. Sure, he’s athletically gifted. But ask him to tell you something honest and he’ll likely panic and jump out the window instead. You can’t trust a guy like that. When he said he was taking his talents to South Beach, he didn’t mention anything about interpersonal skills.

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Poor LeBron James

“The Greater Man upstairs know when it’s my time. Right now isn’t the time.” –LeBron James, on his Miami Heat team’s inability to capture the 2011 NBA Championship.

If you’ve ever been to Wal-Mart, you’ve undoubtedly seen the divorced fat woman with eight screaming children, beating the hell out of those poor kids as if she can pummel the sound right out of them, wondering why on earth the world has done this to her.

To say she doesn’t quite get it would be an understatement. Never mind the fact that in her younger days she made some bad decisions — sleeping with every guy bearing a snake tattoo, for one. Even those missteps could not fully explain why God would curse her with an octet of banshees, each conceived from the sperm of a different man. I mean, we all make mistakes. Uneducated, morbidly obese, socially inept female degenerates are no exception.

And then we have LeBron James.

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The Miami Menage: Did LeBron’s Mama Boink D-Wade and Bosh, Too?

You have to be asking yourself this question after Thursday night’s “Decision.” It’s a legitimate inquiry. We already know that Mrs. James got with Delonte West at some point. So what’s to stop her from engaging in a little three-way with her son’s newest teammates?

What I really want to know is if she got a sampling from all of LeBron’s suitors. Six teams came calling for The King’s services. Did she fool around with Blake Griffin, too? What about Eddy Curry’s BBW ass? How ’bout a little Brook Lopez (Blo-pez, to the uninitiated)? These are the hardball topics that Jim Gray failed to broach. Come on, Jim. Do your job.

The consensus ruling we can take away from all this is that someone affiliated with the Heat has mad skills in the bedroom. Everybody knows that to get to LeBron, you gotta get to his mama. And I figure between D-Wade or the other newest Miami baller, Chris Bosh, one (or both) of them got the job done. Call it a Cleveland Steamer, if you will. Boom, roasted.

Continue reading The Miami Menage: Did LeBron’s Mama Boink D-Wade and Bosh, Too?