As a paid member of the sports media, you have one task: watch sports often enough to speak knowledgeably about it. That is it. That’s all you have to do. You don’t have a tough job like clowns (“I need you to put all this makeup on, along with this ridiculous outfit, then go babysit these kids for the next hour!”), or lion tamers (“I need you to make sure this lion doesn’t kill anyone!”), or even burger-flippers (“I need you to make sure these burgers don’t burn, taste great, and make it safely onto these here buns!”). No, your job is the dream of every sports-loving American ever. So when you suck at it, you deserve to have your ass reamed by punks like me.
I’m talking to you East Coast media. You no-talent ass-clowns, you. Is it so hard to watch sports and talk about them? Huh? Is it? Because I know MILLIONS of Americans that would like to kick you to the curb and take your duties from you. And there have to be hundreds of thousands of us that are capable of doing it, too. Your complacency astounds me and it’s an insult to every sports fan in this great nation of ours.
Continue reading A Rant About East Coast Bias
Thirty-two games in the opening round of the NCAA Tournament (screw you and your “Second Round” designation, NCAA) and I only managed to correctly predict the outcomes of twenty-three of those contests. That’s right. My bracket went 23-9 on Thursday and Friday, good for a measly 71.9-percent accuracy rating. That’s a C-minus in the classroom, but more like the equivalent of an epic fail in March.
It’s no secret that I suck at bracket challenges. I don’t know what it is. I know a lot about basketball in general and spend my winters watching college basketball religiously. And yet when asked to determine a winner between two often-unmatched ballclubs, I can’t do it.
Continue reading March Sadness
First of all, Kevin O’Neill is a dick. That really goes without saying, but where’s the fun in not saying it? He’s a dick. Let it be known.
If you don’t believe me, check the internet. There’s evidence all over the web. A Google search of “Kevin O’Neill dick” returns 17,600,000 results. SEVENTEEN-MILLION! By contrast, a Google search of “Alex Akita dick” only returns 1,310,000 results. Clearly, he’s seventeen times worse than me as a human being.
Oh, and for safety’s sake, don’t click through to Google Images on either of those searches. Probably not a good idea.
Secondly, Kevin O’Neill is not that good of a basketball coach. He just isn’t. Some people think he is, but those people are idiots.
Continue reading A Rant About Kevin O’Neill
Because when you’re uninformed, you can never legitimately be wrong.
(1) Ohio State vs. (16) Winner of Texas-San Antonio/Alabama State
This will be worse than when Team USA played Iceland for the first time in D2: The Mighty Ducks Are Back. Winner: Ohio State.
(8) George Mason vs. (9) Villanova
Doubting George Mason has never proven wrong in the past. Winner: Villanova.
(5) West Virginia vs. (12) Winner of UAB/Clemson
Continue reading A Totally Uninformed NCAA Tournament Preview
It already happened for Isaiah Thomas thanks to this game-winning bucket. But shouldn’t we all be lucky enough to land on the receiving end of a Gus Johnson play-by-play?
He’s arguably the greatest announcer on the planet and his passion is unrivaled. So why not let him be a part of some of your most passion-filled life moments?
Here’s to wishful thinking…
11. Your wedding day.
“They’ve got the rings…they’ve said their vows…it comes down to this…annnnd…I do! I do! HOLY MATRIMONY!!!!”
10. That time you ate the best sandwich ever.
“It’s got pickles, onions, lettuce, mustard, mayo, six different kinds of meat, there might even be an endangered species in there! He’s got the bread between his fingertips, he’s leaning in for the bite…TASTE EXPLOSION!!!!”
9. The last day of school.
“Time is running down…just a few seconds left on the clock now and this teacher is gonna need a miracle. She’s up there at the white board controlling the tempo, but I’m starting to hear a few zippers now, some murmurs in the crowd…and THE BELL HAS RUNG! GAME OVER!!!!”
Continue reading Top 11: Moments In Life You Wish Gus Johnson Was There To Call
A few people have asked for a Seattle Sportsnet Bracket Challenge, so overcoming my own laziness, I went ahead and created a bracket pool through ESPN.
The group is free, open to everyone, and will undoubtedly result in my being humbled by more than a handful of you. The winner will get all the glory of knowing they did an amazing thing…and I’ll probably give you some love on these pages, or if not that, an episode of Karate Emergency.
So check it out and feel free to join in. It’s March Madness. The only time of the year when Valparaiso and George Mason and Wofford, yes Wofford, matter.