You don’t like J.A. Happ. There are any number of reasons why you don’t like him. He’s a 32-year-old journeyman starting pitcher. His statistics are as mediocre as they come. Physically, he’s as unintimidating as a six-foot-five-inch human being can be. He only weighs 205 pounds for Christ’s sake. Eat a burger, Happ. Stop making the rest of us fat asses feel bad. And then there’s his head shot. I mean, just look at the guy:
Remove the cap and that could be anybody. That could be your doctor, your accountant, your lawyer, the guy taking your order at Applebee’s, a serial bank robber, a high school math teacher, a U.S. senator, a creepy dude with seven or eight cats, your next-door neighbor, a soccer dad driving a Ford Windstar, and the list goes on.
Continue reading The J.A. Happening
Poor Tony Randazzo. All he wanted to do was show up to Detroit’s Comerica Park, umpire a few baseball games, and go back to his sexless marriage. Instead, Lloyd Motherf’in McClendon got in the way. Damn you, Lloyd.
The weekend was not kind to the 15-year veteran of Major League Baseball’s officiating crew, who was tested not once but twice by the Mariners skipper.
First, McClendon had the gall to defend his ace pitcher, Felix Hernandez, on Saturday night, inquiring about Randazzo’s peculiar strike zone, which closely resembled the size and shape of Kim Kardashian’s posterior.
Then — and this is where it gets really egregious — McClendon brazenly waved his hand from the confines of the team’s first base dugout after Randazzo botched a call on a check swing by a Tigers batter during Sunday’s contest. For both his offenses, Seattle’s manager was booted from consecutive games.
Continue reading The Complete Destruction of Tony Randazzo’s Wikipedia Page
It’s like two Top 11 lists in one!
22. Danny Farquhar Disappointing Growth Chart Day
Guess what, kids. You’re probably not going to grow to be 6’10” like Chris Young, or even 6’3” like Felix Hernandez. More than likely you’ll stand about 5’9” or so, which is both the average height of the American male and the exact listed height of reliever Danny Farquhar. We’re not here to lie to you or falsely inflate your hopes. Instead, we’ll just give you this disappointing Farquhar growth chart and watch you blossom into a really mediocre adult.
21. Cole Gillespie “Guess Which of These Guys Is Actually A Mariner” Night
Continue reading The Top 22 Mariners Promotional Ideas Gone Wrong
Lloyd McClendon emerged from the depths of Globe Life Park’s third base dugout and strode purposefully across the playing field. As they so often do when McClendon visits his pitcher, the entire Seattle infield converged upon the mound and their suddenly-embattled closer, Fernando Rodney.
Having recorded a pair of quick outs to the first two batters he faced in the bottom of the ninth, Rodney appeared on the verge of his fourth save of the season. But then the 37-year-old right-hander relinquished a single up the middle to Texas third baseman Kevin Kouzmanoff. Minutes later, Rodney issued a walk to designated hitter Mitch Moreland. The tying run moved into scoring position. The winning run stood perched on first base. McClendon got up.
In all likelihood, the team’s first-year manager probably reminded his players that they needed just one more out to secure a victory, that they had a force available at any base, and that this was their game to win. But based on the events that immediately followed the brief get-together, McClendon may very well have said something along the lines of, “Guys, let’s do everything we can to fuck this up as spectacularly as possible.”
Continue reading What The Hell Was That? Dissecting a Mariners Meltdown