Tag Archives: Lance Armstrong

Floyd Landis: The Worst American Hero

Remember when Floyd Landis was supposed to be the next Lance Armstrong?

Lance pulled a Michael Jordan, embarked on a semi-retirement, and left us with this Scottie Pippen impostor who wasn’t worth the yellow spandex he covered his ass with.

After a victorious ride through the 2006 Tour de France, Landis had his championship stripped due to doping allegations, all but sealing his fate as a fraud.

In a sport tainted by drug scandal in recent years, Landis took the Roger Clemens route to redemption, vehemently denying all charges of steroid use and fighting to clear his name until all circuits of court had been exhausted. Ultimately, he remained a loser, a cheater, and a purported drug user. Shortly thereafter, Landis, like Clemens, disappeared off the face of the earth.

Four years later, Landis’ name has resurfaced in connection with a French computer hacking case that has ties to the drug scandal of ’06.

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Top 11: Greatest Sports Related Halloween Costumes Ever

7. Also the number of mistresses Lance has.
7. Also the number of mistresses Lance has.

You’re a sports fan who loves Halloween. And let’s face it, how many of us don’t love Halloween?

As a kid, you get to dress up as your favorite superhero for an evening, then go take candy from every house in the neighborhood. Fantastic.

As an adult, you get to drink, party, and watch slutty chicks dress up in skimpy clothing and forgo all their inhibitions simply because they’re in costume. Also fantastic.

So how are you going to make this Halloween the very best Halloween?

Answer: By dressing up in one of these 11 unique sports-related ensembles. Because you can only be a hobo for so long before it gets old.

On to the list.

11. Lance Armstrong’s last sperm

I’ve been pondering this costume idea for a number of years now. It’s a low-cost, low-maintenance outfit that really only requires toilet paper and a quick wit.

Continue reading Top 11: Greatest Sports Related Halloween Costumes Ever

Top 11: All-Laminated List Team

We could have called this the “Top 11: Athletes You’d Let Your Significant Other Sleep With” but the heading was too long, and not exactly catchy. So we cut some words, came up with a creative title, and boom, you have your All-Laminated List Team. The Laminated List, as many of you I’m sure are aware, is a compilation of people (usually celebrities) who your average man or woman could fornicate with, without any repercussions whatsoever, regardless of a prior, binding relationship.

What we’ve decided to do is count down 11 athletes who are worthy of your wife’s or girlfriend’s lists. Guys who you would have no qualms about turning your lady over to for an evening. The only condition we’ve installed is that these athletes be current, active players in either the college or professional ranks (so no Michael Jordan, for instance). Without further ado, onto the list.

Mad-Dog woos the ladies.
Mad-Dog woos the ladies.

11. Mark Madsen, Forward, NBA, Minnesota Timberwolves.

Vital stats: 6’9″, 255 lbs, 33 years old, 0.3 PPG (’08-’09), 1.1 RPG (’08-’09).

Reason you’re cool with him boning your lady: There is no harder worker in the NBA than Mad-Dog. You know–and I mean, you really effing know–that if he gets your lady into bed, he’s going to give her 110% maximum effort before he calls it quits. No player on this list will treat your girl better, and when he’s done with the one-night stand, he’ll gladly return Ms. Right back to your waiting arms exactly as he found her.

Reason he’d make her list: Madsen is a Stanford alum, so he’s pretty intelligent. Plus he’s got the intensity that a passionate woman could appreciate.

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The Bottom 11

You’ve seen ESPN’s Not Top 10.  This is a lot like that, except it’s one better and has a different name.  The Bottom 11 is the foil to our Top 11, a list of the 11 least awesome things to happen over the course of the past week in sports.  Enjoy.

11. Alex Rodriguez lies while trying to clarify the truth.  Remember those steroids A-Rod allegedly ingested?  The ones that are illegal here, but as he claims, legal in the Dominican Republic?  Apparently, the D.R. has no idea what he’s talking about, since the performance-enhancers he came clean about are, in fact, illegal in the mother land as well.  When does the lying stop?

10. Texas Tech QB Graham Harrell runs a 5.07 40-yard dash time at NFL combine.  No one ever accused the former Red Raider of being quick, but 5.07?  That’s a bad high school time.  Out of the way Graham, the senior citizen walkathon needs to pass you.

Perhaps he takes his running pointers from Mike Leach
Perhaps he takes his running pointers from Mike Leach

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