Tag Archives: Laminated List

Top 11: All-Laminated List Rejects

Would I hit it? Of course I would.
Would I hit it? Of course I would.

Yesterday, we brought you the All-Laminated List Team, a Top 11 countdown featuring an all-star lineup of athletes that you’d let your significant other sleep with (hence the Laminated List). Today, we’re bringing you the exact opposite of yesterday’s list. These are the All-Laminated List Rejects, 11 athletes who nobody should sleep with (let alone your significant other). Some of these guys are flat-out hideous, others are just jackasses who inspire our greatest disdain. Either way, they’re not worth of any lady’s time when it comes to procreation. You’ll see.

11. Kobe Bryant, Guard, NBA, Los Angeles Lakers.

Rap sheet: Adulterer; accused rapist (later acquitted); selfish ballhog.

If Bedroom Kobe is anything like Basketball Kobe, the ladies are going to be in for a miserably tiring evening. Kobe will demand at least 50 orgasms, though he’ll probably only convert on about 20 of those. On the 30 attempts at which he fails, he’ll yell at his poor victim and demand more attention to detail the next time around. When he does connect on a climax, watch out. He may pump his fist or shout, startling even the most alert females. If the sex isn’t good enough, he’ll be out trashing the lady in the media the next morning, and if his wife happens to find out, he’ll just buy her a new ring.

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Top 11: All-Laminated List Team

We could have called this the “Top 11: Athletes You’d Let Your Significant Other Sleep With” but the heading was too long, and not exactly catchy. So we cut some words, came up with a creative title, and boom, you have your All-Laminated List Team. The Laminated List, as many of you I’m sure are aware, is a compilation of people (usually celebrities) who your average man or woman could fornicate with, without any repercussions whatsoever, regardless of a prior, binding relationship.

What we’ve decided to do is count down 11 athletes who are worthy of your wife’s or girlfriend’s lists. Guys who you would have no qualms about turning your lady over to for an evening. The only condition we’ve installed is that these athletes be current, active players in either the college or professional ranks (so no Michael Jordan, for instance). Without further ado, onto the list.

Mad-Dog woos the ladies.
Mad-Dog woos the ladies.

11. Mark Madsen, Forward, NBA, Minnesota Timberwolves.

Vital stats: 6’9″, 255 lbs, 33 years old, 0.3 PPG (’08-’09), 1.1 RPG (’08-’09).

Reason you’re cool with him boning your lady: There is no harder worker in the NBA than Mad-Dog. You know–and I mean, you really effing know–that if he gets your lady into bed, he’s going to give her 110% maximum effort before he calls it quits. No player on this list will treat your girl better, and when he’s done with the one-night stand, he’ll gladly return Ms. Right back to your waiting arms exactly as he found her.

Reason he’d make her list: Madsen is a Stanford alum, so he’s pretty intelligent. Plus he’s got the intensity that a passionate woman could appreciate.

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