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Know Your F@#%ing Opponent: Green Bay Packers

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Hello fans, and welcome back to the 12th day of the week, Blue Friday. We have for you today the second installment of previews on your 2015 Seahawks opponents. Our subject on this particular Friday: the Green Bay Packers.

Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the league. There. It’s been said. Everyone get over it. He’s got a rocket arm, the numbers back up his extreme proficiency, and he does it all with regulation footballs, unlike some of his peers. So he’s great, he’s amazing, we all agree.

But is there a more staid human being on the face of the earth than Rodgers? The man is without emotion. He is two droopy eyes, a smile that exudes no real passion, and a voice so monotone that T-Pain couldn’t even vocode it to head-nodding respectability. He is the vanilla in your ice cream, the taupe on your walls, the cardboard on your boxes.

And without a doubt, Rodgers will segue his stellar playing career into a cushy seat in the press box, next to the likes of Kenny Albert or some other schmuck doing play-by-play, then proceed to torment every fan in the NFL by ejaculating overly-agreeable clichés picked up from years of being molded into a social android unto the masses after each and every play. Get ready for that apocalyptic future of football-watching, because it’s coming and you cannot escape it.

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