Tag Archives: Jen Mueller

The Top 22 Mariners Promotional Ideas Gone Wrong

centerfield

It’s like two Top 11 lists in one!

22. Danny Farquhar Disappointing Growth Chart Day

Guess what, kids. You’re probably not going to grow to be 6’10” like Chris Young, or even 6’3” like Felix Hernandez. More than likely you’ll stand about 5’9” or so, which is both the average height of the American male and the exact listed height of reliever Danny Farquhar. We’re not here to lie to you or falsely inflate your hopes. Instead, we’ll just give you this disappointing Farquhar growth chart and watch you blossom into a really mediocre adult.

21. Cole Gillespie “Guess Which of These Guys Is Actually A Mariner” Night

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Saving ROOT Sports Northwest

root_sports_northwestOutdated, out of touch, and seemingly out of ideas, ROOT Sports Northwest is quickly becoming the Aurora Mall of local sports television. Those of you in your late-twenties or older may remember Aurora Mall, a once-proud shopping center in North Seattle that was razed in the early-nineties in favor of a Costco, a Home Depot, and a handful of smaller storefronts. The mall fell victim to a lack of tenants, a lack of shoppers, and ultimately a wrecking ball. Perhaps it could have been saved with a little effort from owners. Sometimes effort is all it takes.

Much like Aurora Mall, ROOT Sports Northwest is losing tenants and shoppers in its own right. Less than a year ago, the Pac-12 Network debuted and began broadcasting a number of sporting events that had previously been aired on ROOT. For fans, the change was a welcome one, as ROOT had done little to endear themselves to viewers over the years. With low-quality technology (Do they have HD yet? No, seriously.), lackluster original shows, and on-air personalities that failed to relate to viewers, ROOT wasn’t giving its customers what they wanted. When the Pac-12 departed, an exodus of the viewership commenced.

Months have passed and ROOT has continued to struggle. Look at their daily programming lineup and one can’t help but cringe. But rather than write the network off as a joke that will die a slow death, I’d like to think we can still save the region’s premier (by default) local sports network. How are we going to do that? With the help of Twitter, I asked people how they would go about improving ROOT. This was what they had to say.

1. Create fresh local programs that people actually want to watch.

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Jen Mueller Cleavage Watch

Like two loaves of Seattle sourdough, sprinkled with yeast and baking alongside one another, Jen Mueller’s breasts evolved from their blouse of an oven and begged to be notice for the first time.

If you watched FSN’s broadcast of the Washington-Washington State game on Saturday, chances are you noticed one thing. Make that two things. Or perhaps, more accurately, the one thing that divided those two things.

With a little, “Hey, Bill Moos, how ya doin? My eyes are up here,” Mueller’s rising dough was the star of the show in Pullman.

Out of nowhere, there was immense cleavage, which as defined by Merriam-Webster is “the quality of a crystallized substance or rock splitting along definite planes.” Wait. That’s not it. Definition five: “the depression between a woman’s breasts especially when made visible by a low-cut neckline.”

And visible that depression was. Might as well have been the Great Depression.

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