Tag Archives: Jarvis Varnado

Baby Jesus Jarvis Varnado Can’t Save MSU In Loss

jarvis-varnadoRemember Jarvis Varnado?

You know, the guy Jon Brockman wouldn’t be able to handle.

The Mississippi State forward who was unlike anyone any of us out here on the West Coast had ever seen before.

The guy who once flashed gang signs at Venoy Overton.

The second coming of Jesus, Himself, who was the subject of a special Seattle Sportsnet feature back in March.

Well, his team just lost. Again.

In fact, you might say that Varnado’s Mississippi State team is on a losing streak.

The 19th-ranked Bulldogs lost their first game of the year Friday night to unranked Rider. They also lost their last game of last year to the mighty Washington Huskies. That’s two losses in a row. That’s called a losing streak.

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Mississippi State’s Jarvis Varnado, the Second Coming of Jesus

Jesus? No, Jarvis.
Jesus? No, Jarvis.

Scratch that.  Jarvis Varnado likely preceded Jesus in his earlier life, kicked Jesus’s ass when Jesus was a mere kindergartner, grew up to be savior of the world, died, then came back to life as Jarvis Varnado. 

Let’s get one thing straight.  Jarvis Varnado doesn’t block shots.  Shots are merely pulled into Jarvis Varnado’s tractor beam orbit, then repelled by the same hands that have parted the Gulf of Mexico on two separate occasions, once to save a child from drowning, the other to rescue an endangered species of whale that was nearly killed by poachers.   When he was a mere adolescent, Jarvis Varnado practiced his water-parting skills on the Red Sea.  He was able to pull that feat off before his balls dropped.  Take that, Moses.

Continue reading Mississippi State’s Jarvis Varnado, the Second Coming of Jesus