Tag Archives: Jack Zduriencik

The Hisashi Iwakuma Trade Chart

Under what conditions should one consider trading pitcher Hisashi Iwakuma?

This question arose recently, as rumors circulated that Mariners ownership planned to retain Iwakuma despite interested parties around Major League Baseball inquiring about the right-hander’s services.

Baffled as many fans were that the team would choose to hold onto the veteran starter when a) he will be a free agent at year’s end (meaning the team could sign him in the offseason regardless of where he plays the next two months) and b) he’s been kind of sucky lately, we still find ourselves asking whether dealing Kuma makes sense or not.

Below is a hand-crafted flow chart that should help sort this mess out. (Please click on the image for full resolution.)

iwakumatradechart

The Dustin Ackley Trade Chart

Under what conditions should one consider trading outfielder Dustin Ackley?

This question arose recently, as rumors circulated that Mariners General Manager Jack Zduriencik turned down a seemingly reasonable offer to send Ackley to the New York Yankees in exchange for a pair of prospects.

Baffled as many fans were that anyone would refuse an offer to jettison the failed former No. 2 overall draft pick, we still find ourselves asking whether dealing Ackley makes sense or not.

Below is a hand-crafted flow chart that should help sort this mess out. (Please click on the image for full resolution.)

Ackley Trade Chart

The Z Files: Leaked Recordings of Jack Zduriencik’s Trade Talks

jackzzzOver the course of every baseball season, general managers across the major leagues engage in confidential, one-on-one conversations with their constituents. Many of these exchanges take place by phone. We were fortunate enough to get our hands on leaked recordings of trade negotiations between Seattle Mariners GM Jack Zduriencik and a number of his fellow peers in the industry. The following is a transcript of those recordings.

Arizona Diamondbacks: Dave Stewart, Senior Vice President & General Manager

JACK: “Dave, it’s Jack Zduriencik.”

DAVE: “Oh hey, Jack. What’s going on?”

JACK: “Well, Dave, I’ll be honest with you: I’m calling about a do-over.”

Continue reading The Z Files: Leaked Recordings of Jack Zduriencik’s Trade Talks

Take It or Leave It: Rickie Weeks is a Pickle

Rickie+Weeks+Milwaukee+Brewers+Photo+Day+2Dq_D-DI612lPrepare yourselves.

The internet will be inundated with Mariners fanboys ejaculating unbridled excitement over the likes of one Rickie Weeks in the coming hours. I’m not content to sit idly by and accept irrational positivity in the midst of shoulder-shrugging circumstances, so here comes a massive, throbbing counterpoint to help keep you sober in spite of the slobbering, panting statheads working to do otherwise.

First of all, if you haven’t heard the news (and god forbid you’re getting your news from these pages), your Seattle Mariners went and signed the aforementioned Weeks to a one-year, $2 million deal on Wednesday. Weeks, formerly of the Milwaukee Brewers, is a one-time All-Star who used to be among the game’s brightest young stars before a dramatic decline in 2012. The second baseman’s career was on life support through 2013, but a platoon role a season ago helped rejuvenate Weeks’ once-powerful right-handed bat.

Continue reading Take It or Leave It: Rickie Weeks is a Pickle

The J.A. Happening

You don’t like J.A. Happ. There are any number of reasons why you don’t like him. He’s a 32-year-old journeyman starting pitcher. His statistics are as mediocre as they come. Physically, he’s as unintimidating as a six-foot-five-inch human being can be. He only weighs 205 pounds for Christ’s sake. Eat a burger, Happ. Stop making the rest of us fat asses feel bad. And then there’s his head shot. I mean, just look at the guy:

happ

Remove the cap and that could be anybody. That could be your doctor, your accountant, your lawyer, the guy taking your order at Applebee’s, a serial bank robber, a high school math teacher, a U.S. senator, a creepy dude with seven or eight cats, your next-door neighbor, a soccer dad driving a Ford Windstar, and the list goes on.

Continue reading The J.A. Happening

An Updated Analysis of Every Mariners Trade in the Jack Zduriencik Era

Jack Zduriencik*The following is an update from a previous post analyzing every trade of the Jack Zduriencik era in Seattle. Analysis on every transaction has been updated to reflect the passage of time, while an additional 13 trades have been added to the list.

On October 22, 2008, the Seattle Mariners named Jack Zduriencik their newest General Manager. Assuming control of an organization that had been decimated by the foibles of its previous GM, Bill Bavasi, Zduriencik faced a daunting task in rebuilding the Mariners from the ground up.

Just 50 days after landing his new gig, Zduriencik made the first trade of his Mariners tenure. The deal was a blockbuster and would continue to have an impact on the ballclub five-and-a-half years later, where we find ourselves today.

Since that first trade in December of 2008, Zduriencik has proceeded to make 54 more trades for a total of 55 over five-plus seasons. The following is an analysis of all 55 of those transactions.

Trades are listed chronologically, from earliest to most recent. Players acquired in BOLD are current members of the Mariners organization. Grades associated with each trade are entirely subjective and reflective of the author’s opinion.

Trade No. 1: December 11, 2008

Teams involved: New York Mets, Cleveland Indians

Continue reading An Updated Analysis of Every Mariners Trade in the Jack Zduriencik Era

Did You Know The Mariners’ Front Office Is A Raging Dumpster Fire?

dumpster-fire_mediumGeoff Baker, that rascal. He retires from his job as Mariners beat writer to take a new gig as The Seattle Times’ Chief Investigator, Pain In The Ass division. All that stuff he could never say about the M’s when he was an objective reporter? It shall now flow onto the interwebz like champagne in a nightclub frequented by Pacman Jones, splashing liberally onto the breasts of intrigued onlookers who soak up the spillage with smiles on their faces. This is a new era of badassery in local sports media, an era punctuated by whatever Baker shall uncover when he is not sailing the skies in hot air balloons or sampling fine cabernets in exotic locales.

As you may have read over the weekend, Baker’s inaugural foray into the world of sports business reporting (or whatever that title he’s inherited proclaims he does) was a bit of a ground-breaker, an earth-rumbling piece about the Mariners’ front office and their unique brand of dysfunction, the kind that paralyzes fans everywhere into a veritable dumbfounded/angry/terrified hybrid of a stupor. Sure, we’ve known for years that the Mariners were run by a bunch of bumbling idiots. But Baker’s piece not only highlighted the stupidity of the team’s decision-makers, it got reputable sources to speak on record about that stupidity in expansive detail.

Continue reading Did You Know The Mariners’ Front Office Is A Raging Dumpster Fire?

Jack Zduriencik’s Ass-Saving Renaissance

mikezunino1-600x404It was bound to happen sooner or later: Mike Zunino had to be called up to the big leagues. The end result was imminent, yet the timing of that end result was a point of contention for pundits and fans alike. It was never about if, but always about when. That “when” hit today, as news broke this morning that the No. 3 overall pick in the 2012 Draft would be making his way to Seattle to take over as the team’s starting catcher (or at least part-time starting catcher, with a nod to Kelly Shoppach).

Almost immediately, opinions on the move flooded the internet. The prevailing sentiment, naturally, is that this promotion was more of a job-saving maneuver than anything else, a way for those on the hot seat — namely, general manager Jack Zduriencik and manager Eric Wedge — to try and salvage employment at season’s end.

Continue reading Jack Zduriencik’s Ass-Saving Renaissance

An Analysis of Every Mariners Trade in the Jack Zduriencik Era

Jack ZduriencikOn October 22, 2008, the Seattle Mariners named Jack Zduriencik their newest General Manager. Assuming control of an organization that had been decimated by the foibles of its previous GM, Bill Bavasi, Zduriencik faced a daunting task in rebuilding the Mariners from the ground up.

Just 50 days after landing his new gig, Zduriencik made the first trade of his Mariners tenure. The trade was a blockbuster and would continue to have an impact on the ballclub four-and-a-half years later, where we find ourselves today.

In the aftermath of that initial deal, and leading up to our date of publication, May 28, 2013, Zduriencik proceeded to make 41 more trades for a total of 42 over four-plus seasons. The following is an analysis of all 42 of those transactions.

Trades are listed chronologically, from earliest to most recent. Players acquired in BOLD are current members of the Mariners organization. Grades associated with each trade are entirely subjective and reflective of the author’s opinion.

Trade No. 1: December 11, 2008

Teams involved: New York Mets, Cleveland Indians

Continue reading An Analysis of Every Mariners Trade in the Jack Zduriencik Era

Top 11: Reasons The 2012 Mariners Are Worse Than Your First Sexual Experience (aka, Your Mariners Midseason Failure Analysis)

The 2012 Mariners have been an abomination. They are Paris Hilton acting, combined with Lindsay Lohan singing, mixed with Gilbert Gottfried speaking, blended together with any of the Real Housewives screaming (“You’re supposed to be my friend, Tamra!” Well, you’re a crazy bitch, Vicki.).

Think of the worst things you’ve ever been a part of, then make them more boring than they were at the time. Like, your first sexual experience, for example. That was horrendous, was it not? Trust me, it was. You may not want to believe it was…but I guarantee you, it was bad. Which isn’t to say that you haven’t corrected yourself in the bedroom as time has passed. Frankly, it’s not easy to take what you’ve learned in health class and put it to good use. A two-dimensional vagina looks nothing like a three-dimensional vagina. They don’t tell you that, though. You have to figure that out on your own. On the fly. As a kid.

Anyway, I digress.

My point here is that if you took your frighteningly awful first sexual experience and made it boring on top of what it already was, you’d have the 2012 Mariners. The M’s are the awkward clumsiness of teenage body parts clashing together as one, the requisite forced “I love yous” that follow, the feeling of regret, the saline of tears, and that fear of “OhmygoddidIgetherpregnant?!” – yeah, that fear is real – topped off with all the pizzazz of the Vanilla Sky plot. I hope that sounds as horrible to you as it does to me. Personally, I found “awkward clumsiness of teenage body parts clashing together as one” to be the most horrible line.

Let’s call this midseason report card what it really is: a failure analysis. Not only that, but let’s list out 11 of the reasons the team is failing. We can do this. It’s on par with belting a Hector Noesi 0-and-2 fastball right over the outfield wall. So much easier than it may seem.

11. Steve Delabar is not a Major League pitcher, yet has been tasked with pitching in Major League Baseball.

Continue reading Top 11: Reasons The 2012 Mariners Are Worse Than Your First Sexual Experience (aka, Your Mariners Midseason Failure Analysis)

Wak, Fans Deserve Better Than M’s Front Office

I don’t like Don Wakamatsu all that much. I think he’s too passive, he lets the team run itself, and when things start to spiral out of control (as things have had a tendency to do this year) he has no way of reeling the troops back in before they go AWOL.

That said, I really don’t like the way the Mariners organization has continually thrown Wakamatsu under the bus lately.

Wak might not be the right man to lead this ballclub, but he doesn’t need to get screwed by his bosses day after day, either. It’s one thing to suck at your job. It’s another thing to suck at your job and blame someone else.

Between Wakamatsu, general manager Jack Zduriencik, team president Chuck Armstrong, and CEO Howard Lincoln, all four of these men currently suck at their respective jobs. Three of those men — Zduriencik, Armstrong, and Lincoln — are using their authority to make Wakamatsu the scapegoat for their collective failure. That’s f**ked up.

Continue reading Wak, Fans Deserve Better Than M’s Front Office

Zduriencik Beginning To Look Human

Forget Junior, for a minute.

Forget the most talked-about nap since Rip Van Winkle.

The aging superstar and his sleeping habits are merely a convenient scapegoat for a ballclub that flat-out sucks right now. That we’ve actually given this much attention to a short snooze is despicable. And you call yourselves sports fans.

If you want to blame someone for the struggles of the 2010 Seattle Mariners, you need look no further than the man who put this edition of the team together: Jack Zduriencik.

Yeah, I said it. And I stand by it, too. Even in spite of the fact that Zduriencik was baseball’s King Midas a year ago, that doesn’t change what happens to be going on right now. Right now, our team is garbage. And for that we must fault the general manager, at least to a certain degree.

Continue reading Zduriencik Beginning To Look Human

Top 11: Reasons To Get Down On Your Knees And Love Jack Zduriencik

Jack Zduriencik is not perfect. He has yet to make the playoffs as a general manager, and some would argue that he’s slightly out of shape.

But if you look at what this portly bald man has accomplished in the past four months, you have to be excited. With nearly every offseason transaction, Jackie Z. has hit a veritable home run. The man is part genius/part guru, and we love it.

In fact, we love it so much that we’ve taken the time to break down the Top 11 reasons why you should get on your knees and really love Dr. Z. I mean, really love him. Use your imagination.

11. He was ballsy enough to non-tender that ornery bastard Erik Bedard

Continue reading Top 11: Reasons To Get Down On Your Knees And Love Jack Zduriencik

Zduriencik doing his best to make Bavasi look like an idiot

Bill Bavasi, Super Villain
Bill Bavasi, Super Villain

Can you blame him?  It’s not like Jack Zduriencik has to try very hard.

The new general manager of the Seattle Mariners has spent the last few months attempting to put a heavy layer of whiteout over all of ex-GM Bill Bavasi’s mistakes.

Like the decision to pass up four Major League starting pitchers (one by the name of “Lincecum”) in the 2006 MLB Draft for a glorified relief pitcher (Brandon Morrow) with the No. 5 overall pick.

Or the selection of 2008 first round draftee Josh Fields, a closer out of Georgia, who just signed with the ballclub one month ago.

And now, just yesterday, another chapter of the Bavasi Failures was penned.  Zduriencik and the ballclub announced that 2007 first rounder Phillippe Aumont would, like Morrow before him, be relegated to the bullpen.

Three consecutive first round picks, each one a relief pitcher.

Continue reading Zduriencik doing his best to make Bavasi look like an idiot