Tag Archives: Howard Schultz

Howard Schlutz Continues To Torment Our Very Existence

Not unlike when Darth Vader infiltrated Cloud City, when Lord Voldemort infiltrated the Ministry of Magic, or even when Jack Parkman infiltrated the Cleveland Indians’ clubhouse, Howard Schultz (aka Schlutz)  — that rat bastard of epic proportions, he of ultimate betrayal and epic turncoat-ism — has infiltrated the University of Washington Dawg Pack.

Take a look at what that evildoer is up to these days. Son of a b.

This is the front and rear of the 2010-2011 University of Washington Dawg Pack Men’s Basketball t-shirts (special thanks to loyal reader Rebecca for the photos):

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There’s A Special Place In Hell For Schlutz, Bennett, and Stern

Oh hey, what do you know, it’s the NBA.

This is the third time that the NBA has kicked off a season without the Sonics, and every time it happens, a wound is opened in the middle of my heart.

Now we could sit here and reminisce about the good ol’ days if we wanted to. Talk about our childhood memories of Gus Williams and Jack Sikma, Gary Payton and Shawn Kemp, or for the younger fans, Vladimir Stepania and Jelani McCoy (heh), but why get all nostalgic like that?

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FSN, Howard Schultz, and The Devil

Dear FSN,

A big sarcastic thank you for not picking up the one Mariners game I really want to watch this year. The team is wearing their 1995 teal jerseys (which, I might add, FSN keeps referring to as “green” for some reason), it’s a sunny day, and you could fill the gaps with highlight footage from the miracle season.

FSN, I would like to take this opportunity now to counter your inevitable rebuttal: Yes, I could have just gone to the game. But frankly, I wanted to spend my morning playing basketball at Greenlake, and I did that. It was a great time, I enjoyed it. But sadly, my day is incomplete now that I have come home to find that the M’s aren’t on TV. They’re always on TV, and yet they’re not on TV today. WTF.

That’s basically the end of my letter to FSN. Now for some context.

Continue reading FSN, Howard Schultz, and The Devil

Source: Howard Schultz Responsible For LenDale White’s Demise

Is Howard Schultz, coffee magnate and former Sonics owner, responsible for the release of ex-Seahawks running back LenDale White? Some people say yes, he is.

One individual close to the situation — a small-business entrepreneur by the name of Bob A. Fett — has revealed to Seattle Sportsnet that it was Schultz who provided White with the drugs he is now rumored to have ingested, thus leading to his departure on Friday from the Seahawks organization. Fett, a self-proclaimed giant of the head-hunting industry, speaks no English. He communicated this information to us through a translator fluent in Fett’s native language of Mandalorian.

Though it remains unclear why a man who has caused so much harm to the city of Seattle would begin attacking local athletes, we can only speculate that Schultz is attempting to cover up the bad P.R. of a recent promotional stunt gone horribly awry.

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Starbucks Censors Sonics Fans

Over the past couple weeks, Starbucks has been promoting a “We Love You Seattle” giveaway campaign on Facebook in which customers can enter any Seattle-area Starbucks location during specified times and days and get free tickets to local events. Last week, the Seattle-based company gave away Mariners tickets. This week it was passes to the Seattle International Film Festival.

What should have been a good-spirited promotion for Howard Schultz’s coffee company got ugly in recent days as the event page turned into a forum for Sonics fans to vent their frustrations. For those of you who aren’t aware, the now-defunct Sonics were once property of Schultz, who ultimately sold the team up the river to Oklahoma millionaire Clay Bennett, who then made off with his property to Oklahoma City. While fans would relish the chance to kick Bennett squarely in the gonads, they’d just as soon take a shot at Schultz’s balls if given the opportunity.

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The Top 11: Seattle sports villains, #6-2

The recap of villains #11-7, which can be found here: 11, Jim McIlvaine; 10, Shaun Alexander; 9, David Stern; 8, Erik Bedard; 7, Jeff Smulyan.

6. Tyrone Willingham. There’s a theory in dating that says if you aren’t very good looking, then you better have a great personality to make up for it. Apparently Paint-Dry Ty felt he was either the exception to this rule growing up, or was one hell of a sexy guy. Either way, the soon-to-be former head coach of the Washington Huskies football team has had without a doubt one of the most scrutinized tenures of any coach or manager in Seattle sports history, thanks in large part to two factors: his complete lack of personality and his inability to win ballgames.

Continue reading The Top 11: Seattle sports villains, #6-2