Tag Archives: Hector Noesi

The Top 22 Mariners Promotional Ideas Gone Wrong

centerfield

It’s like two Top 11 lists in one!

22. Danny Farquhar Disappointing Growth Chart Day

Guess what, kids. You’re probably not going to grow to be 6’10” like Chris Young, or even 6’3” like Felix Hernandez. More than likely you’ll stand about 5’9” or so, which is both the average height of the American male and the exact listed height of reliever Danny Farquhar. We’re not here to lie to you or falsely inflate your hopes. Instead, we’ll just give you this disappointing Farquhar growth chart and watch you blossom into a really mediocre adult.

21. Cole Gillespie “Guess Which of These Guys Is Actually A Mariner” Night

Continue reading The Top 22 Mariners Promotional Ideas Gone Wrong

The 2014 Seattle Mariners Experience: Week 2

eliasFor last week’s recap, click here.

Week 2

Week’s Win-Loss Record: 3-3

Overall Win-Loss Record: 7-5

Winning Percentage: .583

Division Standing: Second place

Week’s Opponents: Los Angeles Angels (2 games) – Home; Oakland Athletics (3 games) – Home; Texas Rangers (1 game of a 3-game series) – Road

Playoff Status: Not mathematically eliminated

Team Morale: Alright, alright, alright

Continue reading The 2014 Seattle Mariners Experience: Week 2

Hector Noesi’s Eulogy

HectorNoesiHector Noesi is only 27 years of age, so in fairness his career might not be dead yet. But as a right-handed pitcher who reluctantly boasts a 5.64 career ERA, a trade to Texas and the Rangers’ hitter-friendly ballpark seems as close to capital punishment as Major League Baseball will allow. So in anticipation of Noesi’s impending demise, I offer up this preemptive eulogy to mark the brief life and times of Hector Noesi, professional baseball player.

Oh, Hector. Sweet, incompetent Hector. Your time with us was short, yet the impact will last a lifetime. You may be gone now, but you will never be forgotten. As a member of Seattle’s unofficial Ayala-Figgins Hall of Infamy, your legacy will live on for eternity. But before we bid adieu, let’s remember those special moments we shared together.

Acquired from the Yankees following the 2011 season, you came to Seattle touting a 95-mile-per-hour heater that convinced so many of us that you might just be something special. You were only 25 years old at the time, young and virile, with enough promise and potential to titillate more than a few onlookers who wanted so badly to believe in you.

Continue reading Hector Noesi’s Eulogy

Top 11: Reasons The 2012 Mariners Are Worse Than Your First Sexual Experience (aka, Your Mariners Midseason Failure Analysis)

The 2012 Mariners have been an abomination. They are Paris Hilton acting, combined with Lindsay Lohan singing, mixed with Gilbert Gottfried speaking, blended together with any of the Real Housewives screaming (“You’re supposed to be my friend, Tamra!” Well, you’re a crazy bitch, Vicki.).

Think of the worst things you’ve ever been a part of, then make them more boring than they were at the time. Like, your first sexual experience, for example. That was horrendous, was it not? Trust me, it was. You may not want to believe it was…but I guarantee you, it was bad. Which isn’t to say that you haven’t corrected yourself in the bedroom as time has passed. Frankly, it’s not easy to take what you’ve learned in health class and put it to good use. A two-dimensional vagina looks nothing like a three-dimensional vagina. They don’t tell you that, though. You have to figure that out on your own. On the fly. As a kid.

Anyway, I digress.

My point here is that if you took your frighteningly awful first sexual experience and made it boring on top of what it already was, you’d have the 2012 Mariners. The M’s are the awkward clumsiness of teenage body parts clashing together as one, the requisite forced “I love yous” that follow, the feeling of regret, the saline of tears, and that fear of “OhmygoddidIgetherpregnant?!” – yeah, that fear is real – topped off with all the pizzazz of the Vanilla Sky plot. I hope that sounds as horrible to you as it does to me. Personally, I found “awkward clumsiness of teenage body parts clashing together as one” to be the most horrible line.

Let’s call this midseason report card what it really is: a failure analysis. Not only that, but let’s list out 11 of the reasons the team is failing. We can do this. It’s on par with belting a Hector Noesi 0-and-2 fastball right over the outfield wall. So much easier than it may seem.

11. Steve Delabar is not a Major League pitcher, yet has been tasked with pitching in Major League Baseball.

Continue reading Top 11: Reasons The 2012 Mariners Are Worse Than Your First Sexual Experience (aka, Your Mariners Midseason Failure Analysis)