Tag Archives: Green Bay Packers

Know Your F@#%ing Opponent: Green Bay Packers

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Hello fans, and welcome back to the 12th day of the week, Blue Friday. We have for you today the second installment of previews on your 2015 Seahawks opponents. Our subject on this particular Friday: the Green Bay Packers.

Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the league. There. It’s been said. Everyone get over it. He’s got a rocket arm, the numbers back up his extreme proficiency, and he does it all with regulation footballs, unlike some of his peers. So he’s great, he’s amazing, we all agree.

But is there a more staid human being on the face of the earth than Rodgers? The man is without emotion. He is two droopy eyes, a smile that exudes no real passion, and a voice so monotone that T-Pain couldn’t even vocode it to head-nodding respectability. He is the vanilla in your ice cream, the taupe on your walls, the cardboard on your boxes.

And without a doubt, Rodgers will segue his stellar playing career into a cushy seat in the press box, next to the likes of Kenny Albert or some other schmuck doing play-by-play, then proceed to torment every fan in the NFL by ejaculating overly-agreeable clichés picked up from years of being molded into a social android unto the masses after each and every play. Get ready for that apocalyptic future of football-watching, because it’s coming and you cannot escape it.

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Some Interesting Logic

Green Bay Packers fans blame their loss to the Seahawks on the replacement referees.

NFL owners refuse to pay the real referees to work.

Green Bay Packers fans proudly own their team. (And they’ll tell you every chance they get. Like in this tweet from Packer fan @GetFound, for instance: “Packers Champs 10 times, Seattle Seagulls ZERO, and we are not just fans, we are owners loser!”)

Ipso facto, by virtue of the transitive property, Green Bay Packers fans blame THEMSELVES for their loss to the Seahawks.

Don’t be so hard on yourselves, Packers fans.

REPLACEMENT EVERYTHING!!!

First of all, everybody calm down! In the replacement rules, it CLEARLY STATES that if a receiver has so much as A FINGER on the ball, it is BY REPLACEMENT RULE a reception. You cannot argue with the replacement rules. The replacement rules are enforced by the replacement officials TO A TEE! If you don’t like it, that’s too bad. If a travel leads to a home run on a wicked googly, JUST GO WITH IT! A win is a win and you can’t deny it! It feels so good!

Look, folks. Let’s get serious here for a moment. I’ll be honest. If I was a Green Bay fan, I’d be mad, too. Was that a reception? Was that an interception? Who really knows. How closely did those replacement refs really double-check that last play? Not close enough, I’d wager. Was it worth a discount double-check? Yeah, probably.

But seriously. How beautiful was that game? It was so ugly. So freakin’ ugly! And yet so amazingly beautiful. It was Sarah Jessica Parker. It was Taylor Swift. It was Lindsay Lohan. Are you ugly? Are you beautiful? I can’t tell right now, but you know what? I’m happy anyway. And that’s what really matters.

Continue reading REPLACEMENT EVERYTHING!!!