The bluest of Fridays to all 12 of you reading this! We’ve reached Week Four of the NFL season, and this week’s Seahawks opponent you need to know about is… the Detroit Lions.
Golden Tate is back! The guy who is absolutely, unequivocally, 100-percent responsible for Russell and Ashton Wilson’s divorce is returning to Seattle this weekend to wreck some homes, jack a few doughnuts, and maybe make a catch or two.
What? Don’t pretend like you weren’t consumed by the Golden-Ashton rumors. They may be silly. They may be unsubstantiated. They may not even be true. But don’t deny it: you were sucked into the juiciness like a 40-year-old single woman on Bachelor night.
Slickhawk kicks off Episode 4 by verbally suplexing another one of Seattle’s most loathed creatures. It’s a Karate Emergency tradition.
We then dispose of your Facebook hoaxes in a raging dumpster fire, analyze all the Golden Tate rumors, theorize about Momma Lynch’s grammatical acumen, weigh in on the Mariners front office, piss on the ashes of Oregon football, and tie it all together with a deep and meaningful conversation on dating one’s ex.
Check it all out in the fourth installment of Karate Emergency: The New Class, and be sure to find us on iTunes!
There are more than a few dozen Golden Tates. He is a type. He is not the prototype. He is not Calvin Johnson. You can replace a Golden Tate with another Tate-type. You cannot replace a Calvin Johnson, a prototype, when only one of his kind, a six-foot-five-inch speedster with hands like cocoa butter, exists.
This is the reality of business in the National Football League. Unless you are a unique breed, amongst the elite in the sport, you are replaceable. You’re an after-market iPhone charger, a USB thumb drive, a pair of Levi’s 501s. We can go to the store and easily get more of you. Or in the case of your average NFL player, browse the open market for a viable successor.
Life isn’t always fair. Take that photo to the left, for example. That’s a stock image of Kelly Kapowski, the prettiest girl at Bayside High School, as played by Tiffani Amber Thiessen. The picture? It was taken right around the second season of the perpetually iconic Saved By the Bell, when Kelly was a sophomore…and Thiessen, in real life, was 16 years of age. Seriously. Sixteen. Look at that picture. Think about that age. How messed up is that? Like I said, life isn’t always fair.
Much like all you horndogs who now find yourself reluctantly longing for a barely-legal (in this state, at least) Tiffani Amber Thiessen, fairness and life aren’t exactly aligning themselves for your Seattle Seahawks, either.
When the Seahawks first drafted him about a month ago, I didn’t think I’d like him that much. The dude had single-handedly destroyed the Huskies over the years (with a little help from Casey Clausen’s kid brother, I suppose), and because I’d heard so much about him in the media during his time at Notre Dame, he almost had that prima donna reputation that can a follow a talented young player around. Call it the Tebow Effect, or something along those lines.
In the weeks since he officially became a Seahawk, Tate has done quite a bit to earn my respect.
First off, he’s been attending organized team activities (OTAs) despite not having a signed a contract yet. That takes guts. It’s like working for free, with no insurance policy, no safety net, nothing. Every fan should be applauding that move.
Second, early reports from camp on Tate have all been favorable. The consensus opinion is that the Seahawks got a steal in the second round with the former Fighting Irish wideout. And that pleases me. Because the Hawks don’t really have anyone on their roster that has proven to be a true No. 1 receiver in the NFL. But Tate, by all indications, could be just that.
More than anything else, however, the thing that has endeared me to Tate most of all is his penchant for doughnuts, which in turn has led him to a life of crime. Seriously.