HEAVEN — Refuting comments made Monday by Kam Chancellor in a report from 710 ESPN Seattle, God, Lord of All Things, spoke on the record to inquiring reporters for the first time in several millennia.
“I absolutely, one-hundred-percent do not give a damn,” said God, when asked about Chancellor’s claim that a contract dispute with the Seattle Seahawks was “in God’s hands.”
“Is he planning to part the Red Sea anytime soon? Will he be leading an entire group of people to freedom from religious persecution? No? Then that shit is not in my hands,” proclaimed Our Lord.