It’s been almost a year since Nicole Zaloumis hightailed it out of Seattle. If you’re one of the perverts who constantly bombards this website with searches for “Nicole Zaloumis” (often in tandem with certain words that relate to the female anatomy), you’re probably wondering what Zaloumis is up to these days. I’ve done the legwork on your behalf and tracked your favorite sideline reporter down. Don’t thank me. It’s part of my job.
As it turns out, Zaloumis is currently working for the Big Ten Network. She’s been there since August. You can check out a press release about her hiring here.
Unlike her days at Fox Sports Northwest, Zaloumis is somewhat buried on the depth chart at the BTN. The network lists 40 — yes, FORTY — members of their on-air talent team. They have plenty of attractive females to flank Zaloumis, and also include the likes of Muhsin Muhammad, Jim Jackson, Rod Woodson, Amani Toomer, and former Seahawks long snapper Derek Rackley among their broadcasters.
A big sarcastic thank you for not picking up the one Mariners game I really want to watch this year. The team is wearing their 1995 teal jerseys (which, I might add, FSN keeps referring to as “green” for some reason), it’s a sunny day, and you could fill the gaps with highlight footage from the miracle season.
FSN, I would like to take this opportunity now to counter your inevitable rebuttal: Yes, I could have just gone to the game. But frankly, I wanted to spend my morning playing basketball at Greenlake, and I did that. It was a great time, I enjoyed it. But sadly, my day is incomplete now that I have come home to find that the M’s aren’t on TV. They’re always on TV, and yet they’re not on TV today. WTF.
That’s basically the end of my letter to FSN. Now for some context.
Like two loaves of Seattle sourdough, sprinkled with yeast and baking alongside one another, Jen Mueller’s breasts evolved from their blouse of an oven and begged to be notice for the first time.
If you watched FSN’s broadcast of the Washington-Washington State game on Saturday, chances are you noticed one thing. Make that two things. Or perhaps, more accurately, the one thing that divided those two things.
With a little, “Hey, Bill Moos, how ya doin? My eyes are up here,” Mueller’s rising dough was the star of the show in Pullman.
Out of nowhere, there was immense cleavage, which as defined by Merriam-Webster is “the quality of a crystallized substance or rock splitting along definite planes.” Wait. That’s not it. Definition five: “the depression between a woman’s breasts especially when made visible by a low-cut neckline.”
And visible that depression was. Might as well have been the Great Depression.
A loyal reader has sent us these photos of FSN analyst Angie Mentink in, shall we say, less than flattering poses.
Let me just say this.
In this world of “sexting” and “anything-goes” picture-taking, you really have to know who you can trust when a camera is present. You can’t just assume that your photos will be safe. Just ask Greg Oden.
Anyways, without further ado, here are the photos.
FSN. Like an itch on your balls that you just can’t scratch because you’re talking face-to-face with a girl who is clearly better looking than you and you do not want to ruin this, they pretty much annoy the hell out of you.
On the plus side, they provide a service that many of us can’t live without: sports, live, on television, for our enjoyment.
On the other hand, they suck at providing that service. And so we have a catch-22.
Surprisingly, we managed to score a reaction from FSN with the airing of our dirty laundry. They sent one of their plebes to handle us through email, and wouldn’t you know it, they screwed that up, too.
A source close to Nicole Zaloumis has reported that the local television analyst will be leaving Fox Sports Northwest in early February.
Zaloumis, otherwise known as the female Hugh Millen, has been an icon on the Seattle airwaves since 2008. She recently gave birth to a son in September, and it is currently unknown as to where her career path will go from here.
A fixture on Mariners telecasts in each of the past two seasons, Zaloumis has been a roving reporter for FSN, providing on-field insight as well as studio analysis.
Upon returning from maternity leave in November, Zaloumis’ role with the station appeared to be in limbo. She was recently spotted as a sideline reporter for the 2009 High School State Football Championships at the Tacoma Dome, a veritable step down from the work she did prior to spawning a baby.
In response to our Semi-Annual Critique of FSN, we managed to land an exclusive interview with an employee of Fox Sports Net, who shall remain anonymous for the purposes of this article. Enjoy.
Seattle Sportsnet: First off, I want to thank you for taking the time to join us here today. And rest assured your identity will be kept confidential, so feel free to be as honest and open as you like with us.
Fox Sports Net Employee: No problem, it’s my pleasure. Most days I barely even work.
Well, we made it to January 11th. Eleven days. That’s how long it took for you guys to violate the terms of our trust. To review, those terms are as follows:
“I, the viewing party, will watch FSN’s programming without complaint so long as FSN broadcasts live and recorded television without a) insulting my intelligence directly, b) repeatedly mispronouncing someone’s name, c) misnaming or mislabeling someone or something on more than one occasion, d) just sucking in general.”
Of course, we all know what happened. Yesterday, during the Washington-Arizona men’s basketball game — a mere microcosm of two hours of your broadcast day — two members of your Arizona-based announcing crew violated every single one of our four simple terms. Every single one.
Seriously, I do not have to listen to all the broadcasters in the history of the world to know that Gesser is the worst. He just is. By any measure imaginable. He is the weakest link.
So bad that I actually switched away from the 4A state football championship because I could not stomach listening to him. Did you hear that, FSN? I would rather watch reruns of The Office on TBS — a show which I own on DVD — than endure two hours of Jason Gesser’s voice. Because he is that effing bad.
Received an email today from a member of the Zaloumis family informing us that FSN analyst Nicole Zaloumis and her husband, professional baseball player Michael Jones (Who?! Mike Jones!), recently became proud parents of a baby boy. Here’s the context of the email:
“On 09-09-09 at 6:49 am — FSN Announcer Nicole Zaloumis Jones & Michael Jones delivered a beautiful baby boy (Michael David Jones, Jr.) the day after AAA Nashville Sounds pitcher dad arrived home for the season. Baby arrived 2 weeks early and was just under 7 lbs. – 20-1/2 in. long. Both are doing fine.”
We wish Nicole and Michael the very best as they enter into parenthood together, and look forward to Nicole’s return on television. Thanks to Sarah for passing along the info.
Also, for most of you out there who would undoubtedly make the reference in the comments section anyways, the answer is yes, this does officially bump Nicole Zaloumis up to MILF status. Carry on.
We have been informed that FSN’s Nicole Zaloumis has been granted maternity leave over the course of the next few weeks/months, however long it takes to pop out and then raise this kid.
While we cannot yet confirm this rumor, we can confirm that Jen Mueller was hosting the in-studio pregame show for the Mariners game (which eventually got rained out) yesterday. Mueller is usually relegated to field and sideline reporting, and the studio hosting duties are more often than not left to Angie Mentink and Zaloumis.
I think our only question is a simple one that needs to be asked: Who’s the baby’s daddy?
Seattle, home to coffee, airplanes, high-tech software, and smokin’ hot sportscasters. Sorry, Paul Silvi, we’re not talking about you. This is about the females who populate the local airwaves, the sultry sports goddesses of Emerald City television and radio. They talk balls, and we’re into that. More importantly, they give the average local fan a smidgen of a chance, a ray of hope, a glimmer of optimism when it comes to racking up the points with a semi-famous celebrity.
In evaluating the Seattle sports scene, we’ve found four reporters who are more than willing to give it up in the lane and allow you to penetrate their defense. Yeah, right, in our dreams.
Like the opening scenes of a low-budget, poorly-cast porno, the air surrounding the Bellevue studios of Fox Sports Northwest last night was awkward, and filled with sexual tension so thick you could cut it with a knife. Lamar Hurd, former Oregon State hoopster and current FSN college basketball insider, sitting to the left of your screen. Nicole Zaloumis, studio analyst and certifiable bombdotcom sexapalooza, on the right. Between them, electricity capable of cutting down the “just friends” barrier and turning your ordinary workplace into the scene of a hot, steamy love affair of epic proportions. Yeah, baby.