Tag Archives: Floyd Landis

Floyd Landis: The Worst American Hero

Remember when Floyd Landis was supposed to be the next Lance Armstrong?

Lance pulled a Michael Jordan, embarked on a semi-retirement, and left us with this Scottie Pippen impostor who wasn’t worth the yellow spandex he covered his ass with.

After a victorious ride through the 2006 Tour de France, Landis had his championship stripped due to doping allegations, all but sealing his fate as a fraud.

In a sport tainted by drug scandal in recent years, Landis took the Roger Clemens route to redemption, vehemently denying all charges of steroid use and fighting to clear his name until all circuits of court had been exhausted. Ultimately, he remained a loser, a cheater, and a purported drug user. Shortly thereafter, Landis, like Clemens, disappeared off the face of the earth.

Four years later, Landis’ name has resurfaced in connection with a French computer hacking case that has ties to the drug scandal of ’06.

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Steroid use in cycling is comedy gold

You have no idea what you're incapable of.
You have no idea what you're incapable of.

You’re a man.

The first thing you do when you wake up in the morning is scratch your balls, then pee standing up. You may or may not shower after that.

You consume a breakfast that is primarily composed of last week’s steak dinner, yesterday’s chicken wing fiesta, and a Twinkie, just so you can get one of your daily servings of the bread/grain food group. You drink orange juice….okay, orange drink, with added sugar and carbonation. But it’s 5% juice, so that counts.

You get dressed. You leave. You work. You play. You return home. You poop. You sit down and watch TV, play XBox, eat, sleep, and repeat.

You are a man. Your day is done, your life is complete.

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You’re a cyclist.

The first thing you do when you wake up in the morning is grab your syringe and inject yourself with Winstrol. You try to scratch your balls, but they’re nowhere to be found, a result of the aforementioned steroids and the fact that you spend hours a day slamming those jewels against your banana seat.

You shower for posterity, then shave your entire body for speed. No hair means faster to the finish line. You look like a skinner, dorkier, less-endowed version of a male pornstar, but you’re okay with that.

Continue reading Steroid use in cycling is comedy gold