Tag Archives: Features

Someone inject A-Rod with truth serum

arodpcWorst.  Press conference.  Ever.

That about sums up Alex Rodriguez’s meeting with the media this morning.  It was Godawful, and A-Rod did nothing to repair his image in any way, shape, or form.  In fact, if you didn’t walk away from that joke of a press conference hating Alex Rodriguez even more than before, you might be stricken with an illness of some sort that you should probably have looked at by a doctor.

Let’s recap some of the highlights of the media session, shall we.

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Here you go, Atlanta: My greatest Griffey memories, they’re yours

griffeyms3It can be summed up with a sigh.  We’ve been down this road before.  Perhaps Ken Griffey, Jr. just isn’t meant to be a Mariner again.  It’s destiny, right?  Why mess with a good thing?  He isn’t the player he was when he left Seattle in 1999.  He’s been ravaged by injuries, and made to look human in the last decade.  If anything, he’s best utilized as a backup, a fourth outfielder, a platoon player, which is exactly what he’ll be in Atlanta.  Here in Seattle, he would have been propped up on a pedestal, forced to play at a higher level than he’s capable of playing at these days, and glorified like a hero, when his days of heroism are long since past.

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A last-ditch effort to bring Junior home

griffeypileIt’s down to Seattle and Atlanta.  And Ken is supposed to make his final decision by tomorrow.  Meaning at this point, it’s anyone’s guess where he’ll end up playing next year.  Atlanta offers the proximity to Griffey’s Florida residence, and the opportunity to see his family on a more regular basis.  Seattle offers nostalgia, likely more money, and love and appreciation that money cannot buy.  It’s down to the eleventh hour, and both teams have their offers on the table.  So we’re here to propose our offer, from the fans, of what Ken Griffey, Jr. can expect from us in return for his coming to Seattle.

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Sexy Times at FSN Studios

Like the opening scenes of a low-budget, poorly-cast porno, the air surrounding the Bellevue studios of Fox Sports Northwest last night was awkward, and filled with sexual tension so thick you could cut it with a knife. Lamar Hurd, former Oregon State hoopster and current FSN college basketball insider, sitting to the left of your screen. Nicole Zaloumis, studio analyst and certifiable bombdotcom sexapalooza, on the right. Between them, electricity capable of cutting down the “just friends” barrier and turning your ordinary workplace into the scene of a hot, steamy love affair of epic proportions. Yeah, baby.

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Top 11: All-Steroids Team

With Alex Rodriguez adding himself to the list this week, we can now respectably field a team of All-Stars that have either a) admitted to steroid use b) been named in a report (like the Mitchell Report) linking them to steroid use or c) been cited by Jose Canseco (the great and knowledgeable steroid zen master) as a steroid user. Unlike our usual Top 11, we’ll countdown by position, rather than number, in putting this list together. Eight (8) position players, one (1) starting pitcher, one (1) relief pitcher, and one (1) designated hitter. On to the list.

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Junior should be everyone’s hero

And then there was one. Amidst all the failed tests, all the name-dropping reports, and all the emotional press conferences of the past few years, only one truly phenomenal baseball player has managed to stay clean throughout it all: Ken Griffey, Jr.

Junior is the last man standing when it comes to baseball’s steroid era. The last cardboard hero who kids of the ’90’s cling to in search of a meaningful figure from their now-corrupt youth. Mark McGwire has been axed, Roger Clemens embarrassed, Rafael Palmeiro brought to his knees, Barry Bonds indicted, Alex Rodriguez humbled. Jason Giambi, Andy Pettitte, Sammy Sosa, Ken Caminiti, Jose Canseco, and the list goes on. We can only speculate about blown-up, larger-than-life figures who have yet to be formally cited: Bret Boone, Juan Gonzalez, Ivan Rodriguez, and hundreds more. No one is presumed innocent anymore. Everyone is guilty. And yet…

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Steroids, and how to admit you’re guilty of using them

So you’ve been convicted of steroid use. Now what? You’re going to need a plan. That’s where we come in. Here at Seattle Sportsnet, we’ve come up with a baseball player’s guide to dealing with the allegations of steroid use. You may want to read this over, because you just never know when a report with your name on it will be coming out.

Step 1: Go into hiding for two or three days while you weigh your options. You’re suddenly the most sought-after figure on the planet. There’s no need to make yourself readily available to the general public right away. Why not milk this thing for all it’s worth, right? And in the meantime, carefully consider the things you’ll say once you finally reveal yourself. Remember “Choose Your Own Adventure” books? This is a choose your own adventure situation. You can either accept or refute the allegations against you, but no matter which road you take, make sure that you are 100% committed to the lie or truth that you will unveil.

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