Tag Archives: Fantasy Football

The Fantasy Life


You will spend your Monday reading about the Sunday performances of real-life NFL teams, led by real-life NFL players, coached by real-life NFL coaches. You will consume and digest information about coverage schemes, reads, options, read-options, all of it. You will nod and you will agree with what you’ve taken in, not knowing what it all truly means. And then you will head on over to ESPN or Yahoo or NFL.com or CBS, log in, and check your fantasy team for the seventy-fifth time in the past three days.

This is reality. There was once a time many years ago when fantasy football was the sports equivalent of Dungeons and Dragons, a guilty pleasure that bordered on hidden obsession, the counterpart to viewing porn for hours on end. You played it, sure. But you didn’t talk about it with anyone you knew. Your leagues were limited to random counterparts across the broad spectrum of the world wide web or your very closest friends, no one else. And god forbid you got caught checking your team. Checking your team on any day, at any hour, differed in no way from adjusting your testicles in public. It looked all sorts of weird, awkward, and offensive, simultaneously. So silently, you played.

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An Open Letter to the Offensive Coordinator of the Atlanta Falcons

To: Dirk Koetter, Offensive Coordinator, Atlanta Falcons

From: Seattle Sportsnet

On behalf of: Concerned fantasy football owners everywhere

Date: September 17, 2012

Dear Dirk,

First of all, congratulations on winning the first two games of the 2012 season. By virtue of record, your Falcons are better than 26 other ballclubs in the league. That’s a hell of an accomplishment. And on top of that, the team’s offense is flourishing, making your job among the most secure in America right now. That’s fantastic.

Anyway, enough with the small talk. I’m not writing to you today to comment on your success, great as it may be. I’m writing to you because I need your help.

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The Reality of Fantasy

“4 those sincerely concerned, I’m doing ok & plan 2 B back by opening day. 4 those worried abt your fantasy team, u ppl are sick” -Arian Foster (via Twitter, @ArianFoster)

Fantasy football is like planking, Justin Bieber, and the Dougie all rolled into one. It is the biggest thing on the planet, and if you don’t believe me, just check the numbers.

It’s estimated that roughly 19 million people partake in fantasy football each year. Nineteen million! Try and put that number in perspective. If you’re having trouble grasping the sheer magnitude of this many human beings doing any one thing, consider this: if fantasy football were its own country, it would be the 60th-largest country in the world, bigger than such nations as the Netherlands, Greece, Guatemala, Ecuador, Belgium, Portugal, Sweden, and the list goes on. And God only knows how wealthy a nation of fantasy footballers could possibly be.

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The Greatest Fantasy Football Poem EVER

Written by the commissioner of the Pearce Fantasy League (best fantasy league on earth) and posted to our league page. This is really top-notch poetry. I was literally in awe after reading it. Even if you don’t understand all the inside jokes, you have to appreciate the wording.

Good work, Dave. You’re my hero.

(FYI: This entire poem is made even better by the fact that I’m one of the two teams competing in the Pearce Bowl for the PFL championship.)

‘Twas the night before Pearce Bowl, when all through the league
All the players and teams had combat fatigue;

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The Unprecedented 7-Point Swing

What the f**k just happened?!

That was my first thought when I woke up this morning and found out that my fantasy football franchise — better known to all of you as The Compton Honkies — had had undeniable defeat snatched from the waiting jaws of all-but-certain victory while I was sleeping.

I awoke to a text from my arch-nemesis, one Peter Lawrence, who was the esteemed benefactor of my loss. His words shook me from a dream in which I was undoubtedly on the verge of making love to something. It was then that I knew. I f**kin’ knew. Because from the moment I had gone to sleep just a few hours prior, I was afraid something like this might happen. And as soon as I heard my phone give me the text beep, I knew it was over. Only one person texts me that early in the morning. And sadly, that person is the fellow you see to your right.

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This Is The PFL

Like most people, I enjoy sleeping in on Sunday mornings.

On a good Sunday, I’ll be able to maintain a connection with my bed until at least 10:00 a.m. I’ll drift and dream, snooze and snore, and ultimately snap into consciousness feeling like a million bucks. The good night’s sleep will usually send me out running before I hit the shower, allowing me to accomplish my exercise for the day before I’ve even had breakfast.

On a bad Sunday, I’ll wake up at 7:00 and just stare at the ceiling, contemplating when I should give in to the world of awake and drag my ass out of bed. On mornings like these, I’ll stumble over to the couch and plant myself in front of the TV set, where I’ll scroll through the usual garbage of weekend programming as I decide on whether I should a) go back to bed, b) shower, or c) run, so as not to personify the epic fail.

This latest edition of Sunday morning was destined for greatness. I was in the midst of a fantastic dream, which either had me saving the world in renegade fashion (i.e. fly-running — which is where you start running before you inexplicably take off and start flying — and beating up bad guys with a Louisville Slugger) or about to get laid. I can’t remember the exact context of the dream I was having, but these are the only two types of dreams that I consider to be quote-unquote fantastic.

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The Greatest Upset In Fantasy Football History

Part I: The Downfall

They were a lowly bunch. A 1-12 season rarely breeds much confidence. They couldn’t win. They couldn’t compete. They barely remained relevant. Scorned by their constituents in the Pearce Fantasy League, the 2009 Compton Honkies were a disgrace to fantasy football. Only one team — the Covington Tsunami — was kind enough to roll over and die for the Honkies, bestowing upon the CPT a gift in the form of their only victory.

They entered the offseason with zero expectations and little hope. The league was getting stronger, while they were getting weaker. Their owner had mitigated the Honkies’ future by trading away draft picks during a failed run at the 2008 PFL championship, a quest for immortality that was halted with a title-game loss to the Bitter Lake Bastards in the vaunted Pearce Bowl. That very same man then compromised even more draft choices by attempting to salvage the 2009 campaign when everyone could see that the year was a lost cause.

He was not stupid, this man, so much as he was passionate. He loved his ballclub unconditionally, and never was content to let his players hang their heads. He talked their game when they failed to walk it. He instilled faith in them when no one else was by their side. He wanted the best for them when they didn’t know what the best was. He was brash, bordering on cocky, but he truly believed in his players and his franchise. He was nothing if not devoted. A consummate optimist, even in the face of extreme pessimism.

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Dez Bryant Channels Saw

From the “even real writers aren’t perfect” file, we have this text on Cowboys wideout Dez Bryant, which I read on ESPN’s fantasy football newswire this morning:

“Bryant ran and cut off his right foot during Monday’s practice for the first time since suffering his ankle injury, ESPN.com reports.”

Apparently, the ankle injury got so bad, Dez just gave up all hope. I don’t like what this does for his value.

The Mario Bailey/Seattle Sportsnet Fantasy Football League

Don’t worry, sports fans. We’ll come up with a more creative name for the league later on. For now, it’s just best to get the point across.

For the second year in a row, Seattle Sportsnet is holding an open competition for the best fantasy football players in the Emerald City to come out and prove their worth on the virtual gridiron. This year, we’re teaming up with Husky legend Mario Bailey to give fans of the University of Washington a unique opportunity to try and thwart two of the best fantasy football players in Seattle sports history (the other being me…in case that wasn’t clear).

So what happens if you manage to beat the odds and win this league? The winner will receive a free lunch with Mario and myself after the season is over.

How do you go about earning your spot in this league? Email me at seattlesportsnet@gmail.com with your answers to the following questions:

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The Compton Honkies Crapped On Themselves, Then Went Bankrupt

For those of you who regularly check out the site, you may remember past posts in which I referenced my pride and joy, the Compton Honkies. The Honkies are my fantasy football team and a proud member of the Pearce Fantasy League. We’re known for our bad-ass ways and a penchant for winning in the face of adversity, at least until this year.

Though other incarnations of the Compton Honkies have found ways to win in 2009 (one Honkies squad even took home a championship in a Yahoo! league), the original Honkies organization has compiled a 1-12 record (soon to be 1-13, after our final game) in the PFL this year and is the first team in the league’s history to owe money on top of our $50 entrance fee (each owner pays $50 up front to play, then has the chance to win or lose money on a weekly basis based on various results, all the while competing for a much larger payout in the championship). In short, we sucked badly.

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Inside The PFL: A Dramatic Script

*Editor’s note: This article was originally posted on November 6, 2009. You may have missed it, so I’m reposting it. I highly suggest you read it. It’s an amazing depiction of the real-life ridiculousness that goes on in my fantasy football league and my favorite thing on this entire website. Enjoy.

You’ve heard of reality television. This is reality dialogue.

The following is a real-life transcript from a fantasy football message board thread that spiraled ridiculously out of control. Going rapidly from football talk to an internet fisticuffs over a relationship gone awry, this script is the literary embodiment of a Jerry Springer episode.

The setting for our story is the Pearce Fantasy League, a fantasy football legion of 12 men in their early 20s who have spent years competing against one another in the pantheon of made-up sports, while simultaneously becoming friends in the process. I am one of the 12 members of this league, denoted in the transcript as “Alex.”

Though most of us are mutually amicable with one another, one-sixth of the group does not get along. In fact, these two people hate each other. Miserably. Why, you ask? It’s very simple. One individual, who we’ll refer to as “Gorman,” declared his love for a female acquaintance — who we’ll call “Laqueesha,” for the purposes of this exercise — who happened to be in an existing relationship with another male, “Thabo Sefelosha.”

Smitten by Gorman’s advances, Laqueesha left Thabo Sefelosha empty-handed and broken-hearted and ran off with Gorman. Ultimately, Gorman and Laqueesha would wed. Thabo Sefelosha, sadly, would never be the same.

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The Worst Fantasy Football Team Ever Assembled

The official team logo of the Compton Honkies: Rick Astley.
The official team logo of the Compton Honkies: Rick Astley.

As much as it pains me to write this article, I am the owner and sole proprietor of the worst fantasy football team ever. In the history of the world. And I know it. And it sucks.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking there’s no way that my team could be worse than your team from back in the day. At some point in time we’ve all been victimized by some bad fantasy teams. Maybe we pooched the draft, or started the wrong guys, or simply were plagued by bad luck or injuries. We’ve all had our ups and downs from season to season, but no one — I assure you, nobody — has had a season as bad as the 2009 Compton Honkies.

It’s not for lack of trying. Heck, some guys realize their teams suck early on and abandon them like a newborn Chinese daughter. They fail to respond to trade offers, refuse to update their lineup, and generally bring down the entire league with their lack of participation.

I’m the complete opposite of that. I’m in a league with 11 of my friends (it’s a keeper league, as well, so we retain three players from year-to-year) and we treat our teams with the same care and precision as real-life NFL owners.

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