Tag Archives: ESPN

Saves Sonics Roster. Drops Mic.

sonicstrade

Got rid of every player on the Kings roster. Except Isaiah Thomas.

Got Carmelo Anthony, Dwyane Wade, Lebron James, and Ray Allen in exchange.

IT’S A NEW BEGINNING, SONICS FANS!

*Disclaimer: Please understand that this trade would never happen. Ever. The moral of the story is that the NBA is coming back to Seattle, the Sonics are alive again, and playing with ESPN’s Trade Machine is once again relevant to us. Enjoy it, Sonics fans. We’re back.

Steve Phillips Bones The Bob Hamelin Of ESPN Staffers, Gets Suspended

brookephillipsSteve Phillips was never renowned for being a great evaluator of talent during his days as general manager of the New York Mets. Apparently, he hasn’t lost his knack for bad scouting in his new career as an ESPN baseball analyst.

Phillips has been suspended by ESPN after the details of an (alleged….yeah, right) affair leaked out in recent days. Phillips, 46, engaged in less-than-becoming behavior with a 22-year-old production assistant who wouldn’t take “no” for an answer.

Basically, Phillips and the woman in question, Brooke Hundley, fornicated a few times before Phillips attempted to opt out of the deal (that’s baseball lingo). Hundley, in turn, went crazy and began stalking Phillips and his family. So much for a clean break.

Continue reading Steve Phillips Bones The Bob Hamelin Of ESPN Staffers, Gets Suspended

Add LZ Granderson To The List of “Sportswriters Who Should Be Doing Other Things”

lzgrandersonThis monstrosity is LZ Granderson’s most recent column.

LZ Granderson is ESPN’s resident homosexual columnist, and somehow or another he always finds a way to incorporate his social cause (gay rights) into every single article he writes. I would have to imagine that if you were a gay guy who was into sports, LZ Granderson would only ruin it for you.

My first exposure to Granderson came during the whole, big, giant Tim Hardaway scandal. Hardaway made an inappropriate comment about gay people, and LZ Granderson suddenly had a purpose in life, filing a new story seemingly every minute. It was, to say the least, annoying.

And now, with nobody out there making ill-advised statements about gay people, Granderson is struggling once again to come up with new material.

Continue reading Add LZ Granderson To The List of “Sportswriters Who Should Be Doing Other Things”

Mark May Thinks He Knows What He’s Talking About

markmaylaughDeadspin is wrong.

They waste time hating on NFL analyst Mark Schlereth when it’s another Mark that torments sports fans the world around.

That would be Mark May, ESPN college football analyst and former NFL offensive lineman.

The oddly-bespectacled May is the bane of yours, my, and our existence and arguably the smartest-sounding dumb guy in the history of sports media.

Continue reading Mark May Thinks He Knows What He’s Talking About

Nothing Says “I Love You” Like A Picture Of Sean Salisbury’s Penis

56685883CA008_Super_Bowl_XLOnce upon a time, Sean Salisbury got in trouble at ESPN for (allegedly) taking pictures of his penis and texting (or “sexting,” as the kids say) them to female coworkers. Oops.

Apparently, Salisbury — who has since been let go by the sports media giant — didn’t get the message the first time around: SEAN, IT IS NOT OKAY TO TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR PENIS AND SEND THEM TO WOMEN FROM YOUR CELL PHONE. NOT OKAY!

As of Friday, the former NFL quarterback has been terminated from his job at a Dallas radio station for (allegedly) doing the exact same thing he did at ESPN. Oops again.

Two things to take away from this.

Continue reading Nothing Says “I Love You” Like A Picture Of Sean Salisbury’s Penis

College Football Season Starts NOW!

espn-college-football-300x287It’s 4:00 PM PDT which means that the moment is upon us: college football season is officially underway!

ESPN is broadcasting the first big game of the year as we speak, between South Carolina and NC State. Okay, so “big” game is being used loosely. But at least it’s not Wofford vs. San Diego State or anything like that.

The nightcap of their CFB double-header features a battle of two UW rivals, as the hated Oregon Ducks travel to Idaho to take on the slightly-less-hated Boise State Broncos. Personally, I find rooting for either team to be a tough task in this one.

On the one hand you’ve got Oregon, the arch-enemy of the purple-and-gold. Nike U. is a symbol of all things evil in this world, in spite of the fact that I wear Nike apparel and really like their kicks, but that’s beside the point. The point is the Ducks, to me, are the sweat on the devil’s testicles, the absolute lowest of the low in terms of the scum of the nether world.

Continue reading College Football Season Starts NOW!

Why We Love Steve Spurrier (Hint: Because We Hate Tim Tebow)

stevespurrierSimply put, we love Steve Spurrier because he didn’t vote for that attention whore of a bastard Tim Tebow for All-SEC preseason first team QB.

Spurrier claims it was a mistake, but I’d say it was his subconscious coming through to make the right decision.

And now Americans everywhere are in an outrage. Especially ESPN, which cannot BELIEVE, cannot FATHOM, cannot COMPREHEND why someone, ANYONE, would not vote for Lord Tebow for any award that he could capture. This is quite possibly the gravest injustice in the history of mankind.

Now Bristol’s finest are forced to take the airwaves in absolute solemnity, as if someone has just died or something.

There’s Robert Flores shaking his chubby face in pure disdain for Spurrier’s actions.

Now here comes Jay Harris with a torch, ready to burn Spurrier’s home to the ground.

Here’s Tony Kornheiser so irate over Tebow-Votegate that he just invented a new word to fully express his anger as he talked over PTI co-host Mike Wilbon for the one-billionth time: “Frumbobulated.”

Hell hath no fury like ESPN on a day when Tim Tebow has been wronged.

We need to get King Tebow’s take on this slight ASAP. Where’s Erin Andrews when you need her? Oh, right.