I love this team. Don’t get me wrong. I just happen to hate this version of this team. It’s like when you’re a kid and you screw up and your parents get mad at you. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you anymore. They’re just upset for the time being. That’s all it is.
On paper, the 2011 Seattle Mariners are grosser than a Brendan Fraser movie. They’re flat boring. Brendan Ryan? Adam Kennedy? Jack Cust? Eh. Let’s be real here. None of those guys get you excited about the future of this team. They just don’t. But at least we got rid of Ryan Rowland-Smith. The Minus. Addition by subtracting the Subtraction. Though I suppose we could reacquire his goofy didgeridoo ass since he was just cut by the Houston Astros. Seriously. And he spent his entire offseason doing MMA workouts with Jay Glazer, too. Gee, I don’t know how that didn’t lead to success.
Continue reading The Harsh Reality Of The 2011 Seattle Mariners
This hasn’t happened yet, as far as I know. But I figure if our favorite French-Canadian fireballer can get sidelined by stiffness in his shoulder, there are a handful of other stiffness-related ailments that could prevent Monsieur Bedard from taking the mound.
I don’t mean to make light of Erik Bedard’s situation — he is recovering from serious shoulder surgery, after all — but come on. You gotta come up with something better than “stiffness” to miss a start. I’m pretty sure the M’s front office has exhausted an entire thesaurus trying to find nice ways to describe the southpaw’s relative softness.
Remember a couple years ago when the guy was dealing with “impingement” in that same throwing shoulder? I just Googled “impingement synonyms” and here are a sampling of the words that associate themselves with this painful ailment: “kiss,” “thrusting,” “unlawful entry,” “whomp,” “ramming,” “rub.” So Bedard experienced a shoulder kiss. And went to the disabled list.
I don’t know, folks. As much as I want to believe Bedard, as much as I want him to succeed (and I do), and as much as I sincerely wish he’d turn himself into a bona fide ace, I just don’t see the boy who cried wolf ever becoming a fixture in a Mariners uniform. A fixture on the team’s training table, perhaps, but in a jersey? Not so much.
Continue reading Bedard Wakes With Boner, Heads To DL
The Mariners might bring Erik Bedard back.
I might learn how to fly.
Rosie O’Donnell might not be gay.
Magnum P.I. might one day return to primetime television.
These are all things that might happen. Or might not. I mean, there’s a chance. But there’s also no chance. Who really knows for sure?
The fact is, we’re blowing this Erik Bedard rumor way out of proportion. Sure, it’s fun to talk about, but in reality it’s basically just water-cooler fodder.
Let’s think about this for a minute.
Continue reading This Whole Erik Bedard Thing Is Getting Out Of Hand
Erik Bedard sees the sixth inning about as often as a fat guy sees his penis.
This, of course, brings to mind a scene from Family Guy in which Stewie Griffin walks amongst a crowd of fat guys shouting, “Find your penis! One dollar, find your penis, here!”
Here’s a challenge to Erik Bedard: find the sixth inning.
“Find the sixth inning, don’t be a wimp now, find the sixth inning, here!”
This isn’t a beer league softball contest. We don’t call games after five innings have been played.
This is the Major Leagues. We go a full nine here, and we like it when our starters can last for two-thirds of a game, at the very least.
Continue reading M’s impose Little League restrictions on Bedard
Erik Bedard hates you, but you’ll never hear him say it. Jarrod Washburn, on the other hand, hates you and isn’t afraid to let you know.
Lately, a lot of people have been making their opinions on Washburn public, including the guys over at USS Mariner, who had this to say. The basic consensus is that Jarrod Washburn is a jackass. He’s Erik Bedard with a voice, which means he’s angry and telling everyone about it.
To be honest, I can’t blame the guy. He’s basically sucked his whole Mariner career and no one appreciates it. He’s getting paid waaaaaay more than he’s actually worth, and the fans don’t like that. So we pick on him, and he lets us know he doesn’t like being picked on. Makes sense, right?
Continue reading If Erik Bedard could talk, he’d be Jarrod Washburn
Everyone likes lists, which is why here at SSN we’ve created the Top 11. The Top 11 is a weekly listing of the greatest 11 Somethings to ever occur in Seattle sports history. Our Top 11 is much like a Top 10 list only one better…and 11 is also the number once worn by such Seattle icons as Edgar Martinez, Detlef Schrempf, and Marques Tuiasosopo, so it can do no wrong. Without further ado, on to the list.
11. Jim McIlvaine. It’s hard to do anything wrong when you don’t do anything, but Jim McIlvaine did all he could to disprove that theory during his short stint in Seattle. McIlvaine, the 7’1″ shot-blocking waste of space that he was, came to the Emerald City in 1996 thanks to a horrible decision on the part of the Sonics front office. Given a four-year, $34 million contract by the club, McIlvaine was supposed to be the guy to take the team to the next level, the perfect complement to the likes of Schrempf, Gary Payton, and Shawn Kemp. Instead, Big Jim (really at no fault of his own) set off a catastrophic series of events that drove the franchise into the ground and ultimately led in the Sonics’ departure from Seattle twelve years later. How did all this happen? Let’s review.
Continue reading The Top 11: Seattle sports villains, #11-7