There have been, and will be, less talented athletes.

There have been, and will always be, more insufferable human beings.

There have been, and will certainly always be, bigger free agent busts.

But when you combine a lack of talent with an insufferable nature, then add a bloated contract to the mix, what you get is the worst player in Seattle Mariners history. Who you see before you, friends, is Chone Figgins.

Call him a disappointment. Call him a nuisance. Call him a distraction, a failure, a bad decision. He is all of those things. Chone Figgins is — or better yet, because we can say it now, was — the most frustrating, irritating, annoying, pestering, festering excuse for a baseball player that ever put on a Seattle uniform. He collected a paycheck and never delivered. Ever. Outside of becoming the subject of our scathing bits of wit over the past three seasons, Figgins provided no value whatsoever. He was, as they say, a contractual albatross. Albeit the most puny, undersized albatross you’ve ever seen.

Continue reading A Fond Farewell to the Worst Player in Seattle Mariners History →

If you have junk in your trunk, please go ahead and groove with the funk.

If we can somehow get this on the big screen at Safeco Field, everyone would appreciate that. Thank you.

In case you missed it, Chone Figgins (or as I call him, Donkey From Shrek) got a little upset with the media following the Mariners’ 2-1 loss to Cleveland on Saturday night. As much fun as Figgy could be if he was voiced by Eddie Murphy and hung out with ogres, he’s not much fun when he’s acting like a dickhead to people who are simply doing their jobs. And therein lies the problem.

Figgins’ attitude towards the media is a microcosm of the Mariners’ issues right now. Yes, this team is frustrated. Yes, this team is upset. But good lord, we’re one week into the freakin’ season. If you’re acting like this now, how’s it gonna be in August when the team is 75 games out of first and debating whether your multi-million dollar contracts are even worth it anymore?

And for God’s sake, who do you people think you are? If you want the media to stop asking “dumb questions,” then start winning some games. It’s that simple. You suck at your jobs right now. Isn’t it natural for people to want to know why you suck? Plus, you’re getting paid a lot of money to suck. That doesn’t seem very fair. Most of us don’t suck and simultaneously don’t get paid sh*t. Yet here you are raking in the dough and doing sucky work. That just blows. There’s really no other way to put it. It blows.

Continue reading Dear Mariners: You Suck Too Much To Be Pricks →