Tag Archives: Donkey From Shrek

A Fond Farewell to the Worst Player in Seattle Mariners History

There have been, and will be, less talented athletes.

There have been, and will always be, more insufferable human beings.

There have been, and will certainly always be, bigger free agent busts.

But when you combine a lack of talent with an insufferable nature, then add a bloated contract to the mix, what you get is the worst player in Seattle Mariners history. Who you see before you, friends, is Chone Figgins.

Call him a disappointment. Call him a nuisance. Call him a distraction, a failure, a bad decision. He is all of those things. Chone Figgins is — or better yet, because we can say it now, was — the most frustrating, irritating, annoying, pestering, festering excuse for a baseball player that ever put on a Seattle uniform. He collected a paycheck and never delivered. Ever. Outside of becoming the subject of our scathing bits of wit over the past three seasons, Figgins provided no value whatsoever. He was, as they say, a contractual albatross. Albeit the most puny, undersized albatross you’ve ever seen.

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Donkey Watch: Day 1

In order to keep things fresh and lively around these parts, I’d like to introduce a new segment entitled Donkey Watch.

Donkey Watch is a daily, in-depth look at Seattle Mariners third baseman Chone Figgins, also known as Donkey from Shrek.

Because we’re on a mission to get Figgins to Japan (much like the jettisoning of Kenji Johjima a few years ago, which essentially saved the team from having to cut their losses, rid themselves of a dispensable player, and pay out a hefty severance), we figured we’d do our neighbors to the east a favor and give them an insider’s perspective on their future superstar.

I’ll be honest, I don’t really have a plan for Donkey Watch. It’s bound to be ludicrous, and we’ll just see where the wind takes us. If you have any tips on Donkey’s doings for the day, feel free to email them my way, or hit me up on on Facebook or Twitter.

Without further ado…

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Karate Emergency: Episode XXII

Click here to listen.

This might very well be the greatest Karate Emergency in the history of Karate Emergencies.

I really need to start saying that every week.

Anyway, on this episode of KE we discuss Donkey From Shrek, athlete etiquette in interviews, the Mariners, the Mariners’ fake Twitter account phenomenon, and, of course, a comprehensive breakdown of KJR’s (Bigger) Dance.

And just a reminder, you can download every episode of Karate Emergency (for free) via the iTunes Store, simply by searching “Karate Emergency”. Check it out!

Dear Mariners: You Suck Too Much To Be Pricks

In case you missed it, Chone Figgins (or as I call him, Donkey From Shrek) got a little upset with the media following the Mariners’ 2-1 loss to Cleveland on Saturday night. As much fun as Figgy could be if he was voiced by Eddie Murphy and hung out with ogres, he’s not much fun when he’s acting like a dickhead to people who are simply doing their jobs. And therein lies the problem.

Figgins’ attitude towards the media is a microcosm of the Mariners’ issues right now. Yes, this team is frustrated. Yes, this team is upset. But good lord, we’re one week into the freakin’ season. If you’re acting like this now, how’s it gonna be in August when the team is 75 games out of first and debating whether your multi-million dollar contracts are even worth it anymore?

And for God’s sake, who do you people think you are? If you want the media to stop asking “dumb questions,” then start winning some games. It’s that simple. You suck at your jobs right now. Isn’t it natural for people to want to know why you suck? Plus, you’re getting paid a lot of money to suck. That doesn’t seem very fair. Most of us don’t suck and simultaneously don’t get paid sh*t. Yet here you are raking in the dough and doing sucky work. That just blows. There’s really no other way to put it. It blows.

Continue reading Dear Mariners: You Suck Too Much To Be Pricks