Tag Archives: David Stern

Hey, Oklahoma City: Can you stop being passive-aggressive jerkoffs now?

sonics-fans-6df4c655b796c3beBelow is a response to a letter penned to Seattle by The Oklahoman columnist Jenni Carlson. Read at your own risk.

Dear Oklahoma City,

Truce? I don’t think so.

Here in Seattle, we’ve been watching your basketball team and its slobber-knocking run to an inevitable playoff ouster.  We see the joy our former Sonics have created. We see the passion your fans have for this championship-losing bound bunch. We see the arm-waving, cousin-banging Thunder-up insanity of it all.

And we wonder if it’s time you went and fucked yourselves.

You’ve got a great, albeit unaccomplished basketball team.

We’ve got a great football team.

Can we all just agree that you’ll go fuck yourselves?

Sure, there will probably always be some people in Oklahoma City who want to get along with Seattle because they need validation and have a strong desire to be liked and accepted by all of society. They watched a couple years ago when the Thunder lost in the NBA Finals and felt that a future of fateful title defeats might be avoided if a bit of good karma was extended the Pacific Northwest’s way.

Continue reading Hey, Oklahoma City: Can you stop being passive-aggressive jerkoffs now?

The Long Haul: What’s Next for the Future of the Sonics

adam_silver_nbaI know how you feel, Sonics fans. I feel the exact same way. We’re frustrated, exhausted, angry, disappointed, all of the above. Why should we care about the NBA anymore? Why should we give a damn about David Stern and his godforsaken league? All valid questions. All valid reasons to walk away from this situation that won’t seem to find its happy ending.

Frankly, it would be easier to quit at this point then continue investing our energy in a dream that may never become a reality. It would be easier to throw our hands up, turn our backs on the Association, and be done with pro basketball altogether.

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I Hope Clay Bennett Gets Sh*t On By A Condor

There are some people you just don’t like.

For example, today I was playing pickup basketball when a dude that I don’t really know all that well kept fouling me. Every shot I took, he’d run beneath me, undercutting my follow-through so that I landed awkwardly. It’s one of the dirtiest moves in sports. You just don’t undercut people on the basketball court. It’s like hitting below the belt in boxing. It’s a no-no.

It’s not just that he was fouling me today that bugged me. This was the second week in a row that dude had performed these annoyingly dangerous little tactics. I had asked him to stop last week and he didn’t. So this week I didn’t ask him. I just hit him. And I told him never to do it again. Sometimes you just gotta hit people. Let that be a lesson, kids: Always keep it real.

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There’s A Special Place In Hell For Schlutz, Bennett, and Stern

Oh hey, what do you know, it’s the NBA.

This is the third time that the NBA has kicked off a season without the Sonics, and every time it happens, a wound is opened in the middle of my heart.

Now we could sit here and reminisce about the good ol’ days if we wanted to. Talk about our childhood memories of Gus Williams and Jack Sikma, Gary Payton and Shawn Kemp, or for the younger fans, Vladimir Stepania and Jelani McCoy (heh), but why get all nostalgic like that?

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LeBron To L.A. Would Be A Dream Come True

Ever since the NBA stole my beloved Sonics and dropped them in the middle of Podunkville, USA, I’ve wanted nothing more than to see the world grab the league by its backside and plow it relentlessly into submission.

It’s not often that we get to see the world screw the NBA, but it could happen this year, this summer in fact. And that pillaging begins and ends with LeBron James.

Bron Bron, as we all know, is a free agent. He is willing and able to sign with any of thirty NBA franchises. Everyone has an opinion on where they think LeBron should land. Some people want him to stay in Cleveland. Some want him to go to New York. Some to Chicago. Some to Miami. Some to New Jersey. The list goes on.

There is one team, however, that isn’t getting the credit they deserve in their pursuit of King James. Even though they happen to reside in the nation’s second-largest media market. Even though they have plenty of ample cash to ink LeBron’s John Hancock. And even though they might very well possess one of the more promising nuclei in the National Basketball Association.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, in case you haven’t figured it out by now, the team I desperately want LeBron to sign with is none other than those underdog Los Angeles Clippers. I know what you’re thinking. But I don’t care.

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Brandon Jennings Scores 55 Points, David Stern Plots Revenge

jenningssternMilwaukee Bucks rookie point guard Brandon Jennings went absolutely insane Saturday night and dropped 55 points on the runnin-and-gunnin (i.e. no defense) Golden State Warriors. The all-time rookie record for points scored in a single game is 58, set by Wilt Chamberlain in 1960.

You may remember Jennings as the guy who bumrushed the 2009 NBA Draft, interrupting commissioner David Stern’s announcement of the Phoenix Suns’ selection of Earl Clark. Stern, flabbergasted by Jennings’ emergence from the bowels of Madison Square Garden, improvised on the spot. “Earl is not here,” said Stern, “but the 10th pick in the 2009 NBA Draft by the Milwaukee Bucks, Brandon Jennings, is here, so why don’t you welcome him!”

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The Top 11: Christnukkazaa gifts that Seattle sports fans want, #6-2

6. Mariners grab bag of distractions. Do you like Nintendo DS? How about hat tricks? Are you a fan of electronic video board hydro racing? What are your feelings on large, furry, loveable moose? Are you interested in creating an entire 40-man roster of bobblehead dolls?

If you’re easily entertained, suffer from attention deficit disorder, or generally don’t care much about winning, then the Mariners grab bag of distractions is the ultimate gift for you!

The Seattle Mariners organization is dedicated to doing whatever it takes to draw your attention away from the product on the field and towards just about anything else. If you have one or more of your senses intact, the Mariners have something other than baseball that will appeal to you. Take a break from that Carlos Silva meltdown and enjoy some garlic fries. Not big on Willie Bloomquist groundouts? Wander over to our in-stadium team store. Regret bringing your hyperactive kids to the game? Let them try out our jungle gym.

You can eat, shop, and play just about anywhere for an affordable price. But why sell yourself short? The Mariners want you to use that $45 ticket as your personal pass to overpriced alcohol, an expensive fast food dinner, annoying Mickey Mouse theatrics, and a 100-loss season. You gotta love these guys!

5. Richie Sexson air purifier. Richie knows a thing or two about fanning, and now that he is currently unemployed, he’s taken his expertise to the world of air purifiers. Sexson’s top of the line purifier, the Richie218 (named after his final 2008 batting average with Seattle), is unique in that it both sucks and blows. In order to fully purify the air around you, the Richie218 will first clear the room of any dust particles by sucking unclean air into its reserve holding tank. The Richie218 really sucks! Amazingly, the Richie218 will then purify that air, recycle it, and blow it back into the room, creating a fresh, clean environment. The Richie218 really blows!

Not unlike a space heater or air conditioner, the Richie218 can blow both hot and cold air. Just ask the Seattle Mariners! They’ve watched Richie blow hot air for years in their clubhouse!

4. David Stern adult diapers. We all reach a point where even the best of us lose control of our bowels. David Stern, NBA commissioner, realizes this and wants to help. Stern should know. He’s been full of crap for years!

It’s no secret why David Stern always has such a weird look on his face, no matter what he’s doing. Stern lives by the motto “when you gotta go, you gotta go.” Press conference, NBA Draft, public appearance, it doesn’t matter. When David Stern needs to use the bathroom, he need not look any further than his pants.

People often ask, “How has Stern kept that pep in his step for over two decades?” The answer has been a secret until now. The David Stern line of adult diapers comes with an inherent cooling system designed by NASA that turns human waste into minty fresh relief. Why the crazy Stern mood swings? One minute constipation, the next minute flatulation, then perspiration, and finally celebration. Amazing!

3. Oklahoma City Thunder trash can. Okay, full disclosure, there are only two things on this entire list that are actual attainable items. The ’09 Sonics calendar, believe it or not, is one, and this wonderful item is the other. What better place to put your trash than in the Oklahoma City Thunder garbage can?

I suggest you save this can for only the worst messes made around your home. Let’s say the dog craps on the rug and you need to clean it up. No better place for the waste than your OKC can. Maybe your newborn goes through fifteen diapers a day. Feel free to use your Thunder can as the designated diaper zone. No matter the waste you have to toss, the Thunder trash can can handle it all.

2. Warren Moonshine. “Hall of Famer Warren Moon here for Warren Moonshine, a homemade liquor by me, Hall of Famer Warren Moon. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, hey Warren, now why would I want some fly-by-night alcohol when I could go down to the liquor store and pick up some of that name-brand stuff right now? Well friends, I don’t think I need to tell you again but I’m going to anyways….I’m Hall of Famer Warren Moon, and this is some Hall of Fame caliber moonshine we’re talking about here! Sure, I brew this in the back of my SUV, while driving, but don’t be fooled: this is some high-quality fire water. How do you think I won Rose Bowl MVP, Grey Cup MVP, and Pro Bowl MVP before getting to the Hall of Fame? That’s right, Warren Moonshine, by me, Hall of Famer Warren Moon.”