Geoff Baker, that rascal. He retires from his job as Mariners beat writer to take a new gig as The Seattle Times’ Chief Investigator, Pain In The Ass division. All that stuff he could never say about the M’s when he was an objective reporter? It shall now flow onto the interwebz like champagne in a nightclub frequented by Pacman Jones, splashing liberally onto the breasts of intrigued onlookers who soak up the spillage with smiles on their faces. This is a new era of badassery in local sports media, an era punctuated by whatever Baker shall uncover when he is not sailing the skies in hot air balloons or sampling fine cabernets in exotic locales.
As you may have read over the weekend, Baker’s inaugural foray into the world of sports business reporting (or whatever that title he’s inherited proclaims he does) was a bit of a ground-breaker, an earth-rumbling piece about the Mariners’ front office and their unique brand of dysfunction, the kind that paralyzes fans everywhere into a veritable dumbfounded/angry/terrified hybrid of a stupor. Sure, we’ve known for years that the Mariners were run by a bunch of bumbling idiots. But Baker’s piece not only highlighted the stupidity of the team’s decision-makers, it got reputable sources to speak on record about that stupidity in expansive detail.
Continue reading Did You Know The Mariners’ Front Office Is A Raging Dumpster Fire?
As of January 31, 2014, Chuck Armstrong will no longer serve as team president of your Seattle Mariners. That fateful date is just 66 calendar days away and frankly we could not be happier.
The end of Armstrong’s 28-year reign of terror is nigh and it’s time to celebrate. Rather than give you hundreds, if not thousands, of words on why this news is so glorious, we’ve put together the following presentation for you below.
Before you scroll through our celebratory visual aids, however, please turn up the volume on your speakers and press “Play” on one of the two videos below, Vengabus or Zombie Nation, whichever you feel best captures the essence of your Mariner fanaticism. Then, without further ado, enjoy.
Continue reading CHUCK ARMSTRONG IS RETIRING!!! LET’S CELEBRATE!!!
The truth is, I don’t hate the Mariners. I never have, never will. You don’t hate the Mariners, either, I imagine. You might say you do, but you don’t. No one hates the Mariners. The Mariners don’t invoke hatred. Outside of the bubble that is Mariners fandom, the world could care less about this team. They are a punch line, if that. Rival fans — and I use the word “rival” very loosely — don’t give a damn about Seattle. For those of us who do give a damn, the passions evoked by our favorite baseball team are far more painstaking than detachment. What the Mariners inspire is a feeling that borders on apathy, yet results in frustration. It is that emotion, a reluctant resignation to a fate with a tragic ending, that makes this situation unique in a very sad, special way.
Continue reading Chuck, Howard, and Breaking the Mariners’ Chain of Futility
First of all, let me be clear: this isn’t JUST about Josh Hamilton. Sure, the Mariners were rumored to be in the hunt for the services of the 31-year-old outfielder. And yes, they failed miserably in their quest to land him. But come on. Let’s be real here. Did anyone really, truly believe the Mariners had the wherewithal to sign a free agent of Hamilton’s ilk? The most coveted free agent of the 2012-2013 class? No. We didn’t believe it. We might have hoped. We might have prayed. But we didn’t believe. Because we can’t believe. Believing requires faith. And the Seattle Mariners have destroyed ALL our faith in recent years. They are Lindsay Lohan behind the wheel and we, their fans, are reluctant passengers. This will not end well. We know it won’t end well. But we hope and pray that it WILL end well. Ultimately, our hopes and our prayers go unanswered.
The Mariners are murderers of happiness. You wake up one morning full of blissful ignorance, stupidly giddy over nothing at all, and then the team you love with all your foolish, little heart comes and craps on your day with remarkable aplomb. Why do they do that? Why do we let them? These are questions no one has answers to.
Continue reading The Mariners Suck
“[Chris Hansen] will rue the day he builds an arena in SODO.” -Seattle Mariners President Chuck Armstrong, April 4, 2012.
rue /ro͞o/ (v.): to bitterly regret something and wish it undone. Ex. The man rued the day he built his arena in SODO.
You have questions, of course. We all do. Chuck Armstrong has publicly gone on record stating that Chris Hansen will rue the day he builds an arena in SODO. But what does that even mean? How does one go about ruing a day? What processes are involved? What actions need to be taken? Where do we start? What outcomes will emerge?
First of all, calm down. I know you’re worked up over this. I’m worked up over it, too. I’ve never rued a day in my life. I’m completely in the dark on how to do this. But if Armstrong says Hansen will rue the day he does right by us fans, then screw it, we’ll all rue together. It’s time we prepared ourselves for this collective ruing.
I’ve done some research and found this, a step-by-step guide on how to rue a day. Don’t thank me. I’m here for you. And we’re in this together. But I apologize in advance. It looks like whoever put this guide together based it off a crude rendition of a New Kids On The Block lyric template. So please excuse the mess as you read through. Enjoy.
Continue reading A Step-By-Step Guide to Ruing the Day
I don’t like Don Wakamatsu all that much. I think he’s too passive, he lets the team run itself, and when things start to spiral out of control (as things have had a tendency to do this year) he has no way of reeling the troops back in before they go AWOL.
That said, I really don’t like the way the Mariners organization has continually thrown Wakamatsu under the bus lately.
Wak might not be the right man to lead this ballclub, but he doesn’t need to get screwed by his bosses day after day, either. It’s one thing to suck at your job. It’s another thing to suck at your job and blame someone else.
Between Wakamatsu, general manager Jack Zduriencik, team president Chuck Armstrong, and CEO Howard Lincoln, all four of these men currently suck at their respective jobs. Three of those men — Zduriencik, Armstrong, and Lincoln — are using their authority to make Wakamatsu the scapegoat for their collective failure. That’s f**ked up.
Continue reading Wak, Fans Deserve Better Than M’s Front Office