I hope one day the Mariners will start a brawl with whatever team Don Wakamatsu ends up with, just so I can watch Wak come flying out of the dugout and punch Chone Figgins between the gap in his teeth.
Followed by a flying roundhouse kick to the gonads.
And a Street Fighter II Hadoken to finish him, naturally.
Don’t worry, sports fans. Together, we can fix our lowly Mariners. I’ve come up with three unique ideas that should provide an immediate lift. Enjoy.
Step One: Put Brandon League on a raft and send him out to sea
League originally hails from Hawaii. If Mother Nature is just, the Mariners’ 27-year-old setup man will at some point arrive back in his homeland. But if not, who cares.
All that really matters is that somebody put a stop to this man with the bad haircut.
League is the most ineffective effective reliever since Bobby Ayala. By ineffective effective, I mean a guy whose numbers suggest he’s not horrible, but whose performances would indicate otherwise.
Every time League enters a close game, I get that jittery feeling I used to only get with Ayala (and Heathcliff Slocumb, on occasion). You just know in those nail-biting situations that League will blow it. He tends to inflate his numbers in games that are already won or lost, making him a hell of a guy to go to in low-pressure situations.
Because it’s never too early to hand out progress reports.
*Editor’s note: The following list only applies to players who have logged Major League service time thus far in 2010. Likewise, players who were re-signed to contracts (i.e. Ken Griffey Jr., Mike Sweeney, etc.) are not considered. This report card is solely designed to assess the play of new offseason acquisitions.
Player: Milton Bradley
How acquired: Via trade with the Chicago Cubs, in exchange for pitcher Carlos Silva.
In an effort to preserve the family atmosphere at Safeco Field, the Seattle Mariners have announced that newly signed free agent Chone Figgins will have his first name censored in and around the ballpark.
“We strive to create an atmosphere that is appropriate for all ages at Safeco Field,” said a statement issued by the team. “Because of that, we will be referring to Mr. Figgins as ‘Joseph David Figgins’ during his tenure with the ballclub. We wanted to go with a nice, Biblical name that everyone would approve of.”
The team cited the spelling of Figgins’ first name as the reason for the change. Despite the fact that his name is pronounced “Shawn,” the confusing arrangement of letters often misleads people into pronouncing it as it looks, Chone.
Let’s get one thing straight. This isn’t a done deal. Yet.
We all remember how close the Mariners have come to signing other free agents over the years (Miguel Tejada, Vladimir Guerrero, Omar Vizquel, to name three), only to have the deals fall through at the 11th hour. So let’s not assume this thing is all locked up, at least not until the papers have been signed.
While sources have confirmed that the M’s and Figgins are very close on what appears to be a four-year deal worth around $35-36 million, the Los Angeles Angels still remain in the hunt to re-sign their starting third baseman.
However, for all accounts and purposes, it appears the Mariners are set to take two big steps forward in their push for a 2010 AL West title: they will make their team better, and weaken their primary divisional opponent.