Tag Archives: Chone Figgins

Chone Figgins and A Lesson In Absolution

Once upon a time, I purchased an Ed Hardy t-shirt. I know. Stupid. But in my own defense, this was at the cusp of the Ed Hardy movement, prior to Ed Hardy making its name as the official clothing brand of douchebags. I realize that’s not much of an excuse, but whatever. I’m opening up to you people. Stop judging me.

Anyway, the shirt was fairly basic. It was black, short-sleeved, and was probably adorned with a few skulls and snakes and hearts and the like. I don’t really remember. I’ve tried to block this episode from my memory.

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Top 11: Halloween Costumes for Seattle Sports Fans

For the past two months, one of my friends has been telling me all about the Princess Jasmine costume she’s planning on wearing for Halloween. She’s been hinting about this costume, teasing about this costume, to the point where everyone who knows about this costume is anxiously awaiting its arrival. She also happens to be ridiculously attractive, making the whole getup that much more appealing. At the same time, all this anticipation has kept the idea of All Hallows’ Eve fresh in my mind.

Halloween costumes are never an easy thing. October 31st seems to sneak up on you every year. Without proper preparation, you end up dressed as a hobo, a monster, or Dracula, all of which are ill-advised counterparts to the Princess Jasmines of the world.

That’s why I’m here to help. I’ve come up with 11 costume ideas you might find useful. As a Seattle sports fan, most of these should resonate with you. And if you manage to pull any of these looks off, you’ll be more successful at your Halloween party than any of our teams have been in 2011.

So without further ado, let’s get in the holiday spirit and start the trick or treating…

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Donkey Watch: Days 2 and 3

Jettisoned from the starting lineup and relegated to a seat in the dugout, Donkey Watch has taken a turn for the worse for all involved. Donkey is quickly moving toward irrelevance, while the Watch is akin to a grass-growing vigil.

Manager Eric Wedge, having acknowledged that he is aware of what fans think of Donkey, did his best to protect the one-time third baseman by locking him up in the stable for a few days.

“He’s been real good on the bench,” quipped Wedge, in an apparent attempt at humor or something.

The move is only temporary, as Donkey will be returning to the lineup sometime in the near future, toting all the luggage in those saddlebags along with him — a .190 batting average, a lackluster defensive effort, and the ability to turn a rowdy crowd of spectators into a sullen group of hecklers with each trip to the plate.

For it’s ONE, TWO, THREE strikes you’re…booing his goofy little ass back to the bench.

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Donkey Watch: Day 1

In order to keep things fresh and lively around these parts, I’d like to introduce a new segment entitled Donkey Watch.

Donkey Watch is a daily, in-depth look at Seattle Mariners third baseman Chone Figgins, also known as Donkey from Shrek.

Because we’re on a mission to get Figgins to Japan (much like the jettisoning of Kenji Johjima a few years ago, which essentially saved the team from having to cut their losses, rid themselves of a dispensable player, and pay out a hefty severance), we figured we’d do our neighbors to the east a favor and give them an insider’s perspective on their future superstar.

I’ll be honest, I don’t really have a plan for Donkey Watch. It’s bound to be ludicrous, and we’ll just see where the wind takes us. If you have any tips on Donkey’s doings for the day, feel free to email them my way, or hit me up on on Facebook or Twitter.

Without further ado…

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Dear Mariners: You Suck Too Much To Be Pricks

In case you missed it, Chone Figgins (or as I call him, Donkey From Shrek) got a little upset with the media following the Mariners’ 2-1 loss to Cleveland on Saturday night. As much fun as Figgy could be if he was voiced by Eddie Murphy and hung out with ogres, he’s not much fun when he’s acting like a dickhead to people who are simply doing their jobs. And therein lies the problem.

Figgins’ attitude towards the media is a microcosm of the Mariners’ issues right now. Yes, this team is frustrated. Yes, this team is upset. But good lord, we’re one week into the freakin’ season. If you’re acting like this now, how’s it gonna be in August when the team is 75 games out of first and debating whether your multi-million dollar contracts are even worth it anymore?

And for God’s sake, who do you people think you are? If you want the media to stop asking “dumb questions,” then start winning some games. It’s that simple. You suck at your jobs right now. Isn’t it natural for people to want to know why you suck? Plus, you’re getting paid a lot of money to suck. That doesn’t seem very fair. Most of us don’t suck and simultaneously don’t get paid sh*t. Yet here you are raking in the dough and doing sucky work. That just blows. There’s really no other way to put it. It blows.

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