Happy Blue Friday, Seahawks fans, and welcome to the 2015 NFL season. The Hawks take on the lightly-hated Rams in St. Louis on Sunday at 10:00 a.m. Pacific Time and we’re here to tell you what these cake-eaters down in Missouri are all about. As the year progresses, we’ll bring you a look at Seattle’s next opponent each week, so check back often. Without further ado, let’s investigate these bastards.
First of all, a ram is a stupid mascot. Rams are the belligerent, drunk assholes of the animal kingdom, literally butting heads with every other being they encounter. They wake up in a cave, walk outside, see another creature in their space, and go flying at it like a wayward safety with no regard for CTE. If you really wanted to be represented by a belligerent, drunk asshole, why not name the team after your idiot friend Steve, who gets all handsy and racist when he’s had a few too many whiskey sours. The St. Louis Drunk Steves. It’s a more accurate depiction of the foolishness we’re dealing with here.
The team itself is no better than its mascot.
Jeff Fisher and his staff have assembled a roster that looks like it was borne from a night of heavy drinking. This team is sticking Nick Foles under center and actually expecting to win games. Some of you may remember Foles from his underwhelming stint with the Eagles. Others may recall his college days at the University of Arizona, where Foles had a penchant for throwing dink-and-dunk bubble screens for weeks at a time. The 26-year-old is the veritable equivalent of a slap hitter in baseball, eking out yardage in the most undeserving way possible. Plus he looks like Sunshine from Remember the Titans — if Sunshine from Remember the Titans got kicked in the face by a pack mule.