Tag Archives: Absolute Ridiculousness

America’s Favorite Game Returns: A Mariners-Themed Edition of You Can Only Have One!

kate-upton-bed-640x423Welcome to You Can Only Have One! It’s America’s favorite game and soon to be your favorite, too!

For those who are new to You Can Only Have One! here’s how the game works. You will be presented with two different scenarios. You will have to decide which scenario you prefer, then act upon that very scenario. There are only two rules to follow in the process. Those rules are:

Rule 1.0 a. You cannot have neither.

Rule 36.5 b. You cannot have both.

Pretty simple, right? For a background on the origin of the game and its ancient Sri Lankan roots made popular in the good ol’ U-S-of-A by a Seattle-based radio talk show host,¬†feel free to read more here.

For everyone else, allow me to introduce today’s theme. Today’s theme is … the Seattle Mariners. That’s right, folks. Every YCOHO scenario we present to you today will pertain to your Seattle Mariners. So whaddaya say? Ready to have some fun? Alright!

Now let’s play … You Can Only Have One!

***

YCOHO 1: Willie Bloomquist in your starting lineup every day OR a really bad sexual experience with Kate Upton that results in both of you crying tears of sadness and subsequently destroys any chance you have of ever getting with her again.

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This Is What You’re Doing Tonight

I know. I haven’t written very much lately. Thus, I am in no position to tell you what to do. But let’s pretend for the sake of this very moment that the reason I haven’t been writing is because I’ve been preparing myself for this amazing monstrosity of a basketball game, the Feels Like Hardwood Classic.

Yes, people, it’s tonight. The big day has finally arrived. We’re determined to put on a show for you. We’ll sing the national anthem, have a Will Ferrell-esque starting lineup announcement, provide halftime entertainment, and yes, indulge you with our skills on the hardwood. It’s free and it’s amazing. You might even get to see Ryan Divish have a Ron Artest moment or two (and just a reminder, the Ryan Divish Workout Plan is 25 pushups per missed layup, as well as 25 pushups per emotional blow-up).

So come on out to the game tonight (details are below) and join the fun. We’ll be getting drinks at a local watering hole after the game and look forward to hanging out with all of you.

The Ruling on the Field is Confirmed: Pac-12 Officials Suck

It’s almost not fair. Why should we have to make concessions for them? They are the ones who suck. They are the incompetent ne’er-do-wells who can’t do their jobs. They are the malcontents who draw our ire. And yet like a giant traipsing among a crowd of midgets, we’re the ones constantly tiptoeing around their shortcomings. Where’s the justice in that?

For every ill-advised whistle, every hastily-thrown flag, every muddled attempt at an explanation, every boo-inducing, venom-inciting, vein-popping, mind-boggling, dumb-shit-effing-mother-crapping-what-the-hell-was-that-are-you-KIDDING-ME?! call they make, we acquiesce. It’s a manic, unhealthy experience having to deal with these morons. We flip out at their utter asininity one moment, then are forced to bring ourselves back down to earth seconds later when the game resumes. Every time they screw up, we’re left reluctantly rolling over in the wake of their ineptitude.

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Catching Up on the World: A Letter to Amanda Knox

Hello, Amanda. We’re glad to have you back. Italy can have Kobe Bryant. He’s a dick. We’d rather have you here in America than that jerk.

Anyway, I’m here today to give you something. I know most people are trying to take from you now that you’re home. They want your time, your words, your story…they want a piece of Amanda Knox. I wager there aren’t too many folks out there giving you something with no strings attached. So I’ll try to start the trend.

What I’m here to give you today is knowledge. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Knowledge can be a very broad, ambiguous topic. So allow me to elaborate. I’m here to bequeath unto you my understanding of the past four years’ current events. These are things you absolutely need to know to catch up on the world around you. I’m not quite sure what life is like in Italian prison, but I imagine you weren’t nearly as well-informed as you should have been. I’d like to be your catcher-upper.

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Legitimizing KP4H

My friends and I were at the strip club the other night when I got around to some wishful thinking. Not about the women getting naked before my very eyes. I’m more or less immune to that. I don’t even go to strip clubs ever. We just happened to be there for a bachelor party.

Something about knowing that these women are willingly removing all their clothes without you even having to ask changes your mentality toward their complete lack of inhibition. So no, I was not doing any wishful thinking about the well-endowed brunette climbing up and down the pole, performing acrobatic gyrations at unsafe elevations. Okay, maybe a little. But mostly, it was other stuff.

After the fifth or sixth waitress emerged and asked us if we wanted drinks (non-alcoholic drinks, mind you…thanks, State of Washington), I couldn’t help but say aloud, “Why can’t we get service like this in a restaurant?”

My buddies laughed, but I was dead serious. Think about it. You go get a nice meal at a fine establishment and they rarely pay this much attention to you. You’re just another patron to them. But at the strip club? We weren’t even really spending money and they were all about the hospitality. You have to appreciate that. Even if they are just doing it for the cash. I get it. I’m weird. I know.

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A Dissertation on Stadium Trough Etiquette

It started with a simple thought when I was in the bathroom. I’ve found that most simple thoughts originate there. The bathroom has never inspired great debate, analytical dissemination, or even philosophical discussion. The bathroom, as it turns out, is perfect for simple thoughts.

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Top 11: Ways To Improve Your Team’s Uniforms

Uniforms are a hot topic in sports these days. Thanks to schools like the University of Maryland, it seems that everyone has an opinion on the advent of the athletic jersey.

Here at Seattle Sportsnet, we have our own thoughts on uniforms. Namely, we seek to improve them. Which is why we’re here today with 11 ways in which we plan to do that.

Because it starts with a plan and ends with action. We just happen to be lazier than most of you, so we’ll take care of the plan as long as you act on it. Are we good? Okay, cool.

Let’s do this.

11. Wear more pink

Unless we’re fighting breast cancer or honoring one of the Care Bears, it seems like pink is completely jettisoned from all uniform designs. My question: Why?

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Relationship Advice for the Youth of America

I was sitting at the park eating my dinner when I first heard the yelling.

“All I do is cause you problems! That’s all I do! I cause you problems.”

You’re causing me problems right now, I thought to myself. No one wants to hear your bitching and moaning on a beautiful night like this.

I turned to see where the pitiful whine had emerged from and there, sitting on the hood of a red BMW, was a skinny teenage punk looking absolutely downtrodden about whatever it is that plagues a skinny teenage punk with a red BMW. Keep in mind, this is Bellevue. And the Beamer was a little outdated. So, you know, the kid had some legitimate gripes.

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Everything That’s Going Through That Douchebag’s Mind At The Gym

Yo. What up, everybody. I bet you’re all glad I’m here. Oh, what’s this? This little guy is using my bench. What up, little guy? You mind if I work in? All right. Why don’t you just run off because I’m gonna be a while. Sound good? Okay, good. Get lost. All right, let’s do this.

Let me get a 45 on this side, a 45 on that side, a two-and-a-half over here, and another two-and-a-half here. All right. Perfect. We’re good. Deep breaths now, deep breaths. Inhale, annnnddd…ferocious puff. Inhale, annnnddd…ferocious puff. All right. Shake my neck side to side like I’m working out some kinks or something. Now to flare my arms a few times — hey, what’s up ladies — and — I’m really glad I wore this sleeveless shirt today — and okay, let’s sit down and do this.

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Ain’t Nothin’ But A Heartache: An Ode to the 2011 Seattle Mariners

Don’t pretend you’re sorry. I know you’re not.

You are my fire. Everything I do is for you. But sometimes I feel like I’m swimming in an ocean all alone.

I just want you to know that I’ve been fighting to let you go. There’s something missing in my heart. Is this the feeling I need to walk with? Keeping it inside, it’s killing me. Sadness is beautiful, they say. But I don’t wanna waste another day.

There’s nowhere to run. I have no place to go. Some days I make it through, but then there’s nights that never end. I never thought I would lose my mind. I tried to go on like I never knew you. I’ve tried to hide it so that no one knows. But I guess it shows.

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Akita’s Average Adults

In the sports world, when an athlete makes it big, you can pretty much guarantee that he or she will start a charitable foundation.

It’s a kind gesture, founding a charity. Sharing the wealth by giving to those less fortunate is an amazing thing. It benefits both those who give and those who receive, and as a result, everybody wins.

While I am certainly no athlete, I do have dreams of starting my own charity one day. Just to be able to give back like that would be absolutely awesome. And that’s why I came up with the idea for Akita’s Average Adults.

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Local Sabermetrician Arrested In Murder-For-Hire Plot

Authorities have arrested a man they say tried to kill a well-known local icon.

John Boggins, 54, was taken into custody late Wednesday evening after police allege he attempted to have the Seattle Mariners’ Yellow Hydro murdered.

Boggins is a member of a notorious gang of fun-stealers who call themselves “Sabermetricians.” He specializes in the manipulation of numbers to radically impose his will upon others, not unlike a Jedi from the Star Wars films.

The county sheriff’s department initially learned of Boggins’ plot through an ad on CraigsList seeking, “a talented demolition man that knows how to keep a secret and hates fun.” Police then responded to Boggins’ ad in order to mount the evidence they needed to arrest the Everett native.

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