On November 15th, 2007, a man by the name of Barry Lamar Bonds was served an indictment by a federal grand jury. The indictment alleged counts of perjury and obstruction of justice against Bonds, who, four years earlier, had sworn under oath that he had never used illegal substances provided to him by a Bay Area pharmaceutical company called BALCO.
Had Bonds held any other occupation, the story may not have been nearly as widespread. Bonds, however, happened to be a Major League Baseball player. And at the time of the indictment, the 43-year-old outfielder was resoundingly considered one of the best players in the history of his sport. Bonds was alleged to be nothing short of a liar, and as a result, a criminal. He never played baseball again.
Eight weeks before Bonds found himself indicted, another baseball player, also an outfielder, was fielding his position when he collapsed to the turf.
Continue reading Ken Griffey Jr. and the Making of a Superhero
Richard Sherman, meet America. America, Richard Sherman. Try your best to get along, you two.
11. He’s from Compton.
Compton. You’ve heard about this place. It’s a scary, scary little neighborhood. The concrete jungle, they call it. Jungles are frightening. Concrete is also frightening. They shoot people there, supposedly. Gangs run rampant through the alleyways. Wannabe rappers approach you on street corners, Discmans in hand, demanding you listen to their mixtapes. There is nothing more petrifying than that.
And Richard Sherman, he’s from there, he’s from Compton. California! Everyone there smokes marijuana! And carries an AK-47, just like Ice Cube said! How did Sherman escape? He must be some sort of magician, or worse, a wizard. Not the good kind of wizard, either. He’s like Voldemort. The Voldemort of Compton. What do we do? WHAT DO WE DO?!
Continue reading Top 11: Reasons America Hates Richard Sherman
The five-year anniversary of the day I started this website came and went on Tuesday, November 12th, and as those 24 hours marking a half-decade elapsed, I tried to piece together the exact right words to explain what it all meant. The words are harder and harder to come by with each passing year. These moments of reflection aren’t just about the 12 months preceding a birthdate, if you will, but also about the bigger picture of this very thing that has come to define a significant portion of my life.
For starters, when I first launched the site in 2008, I really didn’t think I’d still be doing this in 2013. I figured by now I’d be consumed by a career, by a job that took my attention away from this hobby I partake in. In fact, that has occurred, at least somewhat. If you visit with any kind of regularity, you know I don’t write nearly as often as I once did. I have excuses – finding the requisite passion and energy to do any extracurricular activity is occasionally sapped by the reality of work, for one – but mostly it just sucks that I can’t write as much as I’d like. Writing makes me happy and who doesn’t want to do things that evoke happiness? At the same time, writing and the frequency with which I’ve done it in the past has entered the realm of rec sports and partying and all that other crap we leave behind as we quote-unquote grow up.
But the act of transcribing one’s thoughts is cathartic, to say the very least. And in experiencing all of this first-hand, I’ve come to realize how beneficial the brainstorming, the whispering, and the typing can be. Thinking, then speaking aloud, then tapping plastic squares on a laptop is more meaningful to me than almost anything else. I could never give it up. I need it.
Continue reading The Five-Year Plan
Good news: The Seahawks are winning.
Bad news: All this winning doesn’t give us much to talk about.
Sure, we could nitpick middling flaws or break down plays one at a time. But you don’t come here for crap like that. That’s not us. So rather than go football nerd on you or wax overly-poetic about a season just four games old, we’ve done something much more juvenile and fitting. Yes, we’ve anagrammed the names of every single player, scrambling and unscrambling the letters to find the very best phrases among your 2013 Seattle Seahawks.
So without further digression, please enjoy the below findings. Special thanks to the internet for helping rearrange the words.
3 – Russell Wilson, QB
I sell slurs now.
For a nickel, he’ll cuss at you.
4 – Steven Hauschka, K
He shave nutsack.
Smooth as eggshells, baby.
7 – Tarvaris Jackson, QB
Sir Torn Java Sack.
The most unfortunate knight in all of England. Also, I’m sensing a theme here.
Continue reading Every Seahawks Player, Anagrammed
God damn it, Mariners. Your manager just quit on you. He quit! That doesn’t fucking happen! This is the major fucking leagues! What the hell are you doing? How on earth can you possibly explain this disaster? What. The. Fuck.
And he isn’t the first. Not at all. Not even the first this decade. Mike Hargrove quit on you in 2007. In the middle of the goddamn season. He just up and left. Got in a pickup truck and literally drove away. He was so aggravated by the crazy shit you pull that he took a road trip through the country and left Major League Baseball altogether.
Do you assholes even understand what is going on here? Major league managers DO NOT QUIT THEIR JOBS. Ever. It doesn’t happen. They’re making ridiculous amounts of money to babysit adults. This is their dream come true. They’re at the pinnacle of their profession. Why the hell would they ever quit? It would be foolish to quit. No one would do it. And yet…and yet…I can hardly believe this…you’ve had TWO managers quit on you in the PAST SIX YEARS! WHAT THE SHIT?!
Continue reading The Goddamn Clusterfuck of a Circus That Is Howard Lincoln and Chuck Armstrong’s Mariners
In the summer of 2003, I was a proud high school graduate with little in the way of responsibility and all the time in the world to contemplate my future.
I was 18 years old and would be headed to the University of Washington come autumn. I had a job working retail at the mall, but my concerns rarely lent themselves to selling shoes or folding t-shirts. I’d rather hang out, watch baseball, listen to music, go to movies, impress the opposite sex, or work out — all of this according to my AOL Instant Messenger profile, of course.
I was still very much a kid back then, one who had never really emerged from the cocoon that seems to envelop the Greater Seattle suburbs. I was naive, goofy, quiet, innocent, and all the things you tend to be before you settle into adulthood.
In that final summer before college commenced, I just wanted to hang out with all the other kids that I’d grown up with. Kids who would move on to different schools in different towns. Kids I might never see again. Kids that I enjoyed being around. I think we knew back then that life would never really be the same for any of us. And for the final few months of our adolescence, it was important that we embrace the memories we had in our past, as well as those we would create over the following weeks.
Continue reading Tossing A Reverie
As you may know, I am not a huge soccer fan. Running for 90 minutes is not my idea of fun. Kicking is not my idea of fun. Taking balls to the face is not my idea of fun. But that’s just me. I respect those of you who do find soccer to be fun. I do enjoy winning, and as the Sounders have made it a point to win quite often since their inception, that, to me, is fun.
With all that said, I have been fortunate enough to receive a pair of tickets to next Wednesday’s Sounders-Chelsea match thanks to Allstate Insurance. They told me to do with these tickets as I wish, so long as I passed along a little info about an event preceding the contest. Here are the details:
Before the game, new World Football Challenge sponsor Allstate Insurance is giving Sounders fans the chance to meet former Major League Soccer star and recent Soccer Hall of Fame inductee Tony Meola as part of the Allstate Fan Zone, an interactive display just outside of the stadium. The Allstate Fan Zone will be open from 4:30-6:30 p.m., and the Tony Meola meet-and-greet autograph session will run from 5:00-6:15 p.m. While there, Allstate is also giving fans the chance to register on-site to win tickets to future Sounders home games.
I encourage you to check out the Meola event, if for no other reason than because Allstate was kind enough to give me these tickets.
Oh, and yeah, you probably want a chance to win these tickets. To do that, just follow me on Twitter (@alexssn) and tweet me with the hashtag #alexssnTIX. That’s all you gotta do. I’ll pick a winner at random by Monday morning, at which point the tickets are yours. Good luck!