Category Archives: Sports Media

Boner of the Year Award: AFA celebrates Homosexual victory

There were few flubs this year that compared to the one made by the American Family Association. The American Family Association is an ultra-conservative “family” organization that promotes their spin on Biblical values via the internet, a recipe for disaster if there ever was one. The AFA ratcheted up the protection of their moral rights this summer by opting to censor certain words on their site using the Worst Invention Ever: auto find-and-replace.

*Side Note: Auto find-and-replace is a horrible, horrible invention. Whoever invented it needs to have their name changed to “Poop Johnson.” That way, they’ll fully understand the power of their monstrous creation. No one actually uses auto find-and-replace to do anything productive. Auto find-and-replace was invented for evil pixies who hack computer databases and hijack report papers before replacing words like “the” with words like “boobies.” Nice job, auto find-and-replace inventor.

The specific word the AFA wanted to censor was “gay.” They chose to find-and-replace all instances of the word “gay” with the word “homosexual” instead. You can probably see where this is headed.

During the Summer Olympics, the AFA website picked up an AP news feed regarding none other than American sprinter Tyson Gay. Yes. Instead of “Tyson Gay wins…,” the headline read “Tyson Homosexual wins…” This isn’t the first time this booboo has occurred, either. Just ask Memphis Grizzlies star Rudy Gay. But really, what else would you expect from an organization that petitions the FCC every time an episode of The Simpsons airs.

Is this the type of Gay we want our children emulating?


In order to properly acknowledge the accomplishments of the AFA, we here at Seattle Sportsnet came up with a more complete list of words that the webmasters at AFA.net should consider censoring in the future. Feel free to contribute your own ideas, as well.

  • Dick, Wang, Cock. Instead of the more offensive terms for male genitalia, let’s just go ahead and replace those with the old standard, “Penis.” As in, “Penis Vitale elected to College Basketball Hall of Fame,” “Chien-Ming Penis gets victory for Yankees,” and “Pedro Martinez spotted at illegal penis fight.”
  • Balls. Not as appropriate as “testicles,” so we’ll pull the old switcharoo. As in, “Two testicles and one strike.”
  • Pujols. Simply not the kind of name parents should have to try and explain to their children. We’ll go with “anal orifices” instead. As in, “Now batting for the Cardinals, Albert Anal Orifices!”
  • JaMarcus. Not really offensive, but ethnic enough to scare off the most conservative families. Replaced with “Steve,” as in “Steve Russell under center for Raiders.”
  • Boner. The proper term is “erection.” As in, “AFA wins Erection of the Year Award.”
  • Sack. In health class, it’s called a “scrotum,” so that’s what we’ll call it, too. As in, “Michael Strahan with a huge scrotum!”
  • First Base, Second Base, Third Base, Home Plate. To be replaced by “Friendship,” “First Date,” “Hand holding,” and “Marriage.”

There you go. No one can say we don’t do our part to help out American families. Feel free to check out the AFA website by clicking here and let them know that former Major League pitcher and ex-Mariner Homosexuallord Perry sends his best wishes.

Calabro, Williams make FSN tolerable

Last year at this time, Husky Men’s Basketball games were being called on FSN by play-by-play man Brian Davis and color analyst Bob Weiss, former coach of your Seattle Supersonics. This year, things have changed. Instead of the overzealous, overenergized Davis, fans are treated to the baritone melody of ex-Sonics announcer Kevin Calabro. Rather than the cliche one-liners and lack of insight provided by Weiss, local prep basketball guru Francis Williams handles the commentary.

Calabro, a stalwart on the Seattle sports scene for two decades now, is becoming as iconic as his predecessor with the Sonics, Bob Blackburn. Before the Sonics’ departure to Oklahoma, Calabro was being coveted by all the major NBA broadcast studios. TNT, ESPN/ABC, and the NBA Network all wanted a piece of The Voice. True to his Seattle roots, however, Calabro took a major pay cut to remain at home in the Northwest and offer his services to the local broadcast outlets. When he isn’t calling play-by-play for the Dawgs, he’s filling in on Mariners broadcasts. And come 2009, Kevin Calabro will be the voice of the new Seattle Sounders. Imagine that, a broadcasting superstar announcing soccer, no less.

Williams, a relative newbie into broadcasting, is no slouch himself. For someone with no big-game announcing experience, Williams has handled the transition with relative ease. With an encyclopedic knowledge of high school basketball, Williams provides background knowledge on players that no commentator can compete with. He’s been a source for information on anything and everything prep basketball, and has been a frequent guest star in print and on the radio. His leap to the broadcast booth has been stabilized by the presence of Calabro, and the best of Francis Williams is arguably yet to come.

The team of Calabro and Williams brings back memories of the Calabro-Marques Johnson tandem of Sonics years gone by. Calabro and Johnson were the Batman and Robin of basketball broadcasting, seemingly filling every gap with a knowledgable, descriptive portrayal of all the action in front of them. The average listener could easily follow along, and the more enthusiastic fan could walk away from a broadcast having learned something new.

The upgrade from the announcing regime of old is remarkable. Weiss, a jokester-gone-wrong, was naive when it came to the college game. Fans quickly got sick of listening to him compare everything he saw to the NBA. Davis, like a little kid on crack, had the tendency to overplay even the smallest of details, forcing the blood pressure levels of fans to remain high all game long and turning a relaxing experience into more of a chore. Without a doubt, most local sports fans had more fun mocking the FSN crews of old rather than listening to them.

Don’t get me wrong, FSN is by no means a complete package yet. Their studio analysis is Jayvee-caliber, and they have tons of work to do on national broadcasts. But for basketball, at least, the local affiliate of the ESPN wannabe has rolled out the red carpet and pulled out all the stops to produce a decent broadcast. Heck, Lenny Wilkens of all people provides insight from time-to-time. FSN may not be error-free yet, but in just one year they’ve done great things to step up their game. And for Husky fans, at least, that’s saying something.

Husky Men’s BB "most disappointing" team

ESPN NCAA basketball correspondent Andy Katz has picked the Husky Men’s Basketball team as “most disappointing” in the Pac-10 so far this season. Whether you agree or disagree with Katz, the fact of the matter is he’s an idiot, so not to worry.

Andy Katz is one of those guys that sounds really intellectual when he speaks, simply because of the way he is talking. Lots of great speakers possess this skill, and Andy Katz is no different. Because most people watch television in a complete stupor, people like Katz can come across as smart if you aren’t on your toes. Of course, once you start breaking down the actual words coming out of their mouths, you realize they aren’t making any sense at all.

In Katz’s Pac-10 review, he also labeled California as his “mystery team.” You know why Cal is his mystery team? Because Andy Katz doesn’t know anything about Cal. Cal is only a mystery because Andy Katz reviewed nine of the ten Pac-10 teams and then got too lazy to Google “Cal.” You know what else is a “mystery” to Katz? Investigative research.

Here’s the thing about Katz (and I realize that at this point I’m no longer speaking to my article title, but whatever, it’s the day after Christmas, what are you gonna do right?). Katz is a lemming. He’s a lemming. And what I mean by that is, he’s the type of guy that goes along with what everyone else is saying and then takes those ideas and pretends to make them his own. His “best player” and “top performer” in the Pac is Arizona State’s James Harden. That’s like saying that the sky is blue or Clay Aiken is gay. Come on, dude, tell us something we don’t know. Harden has been tearing it up since last season, and this year he’s a consensus first-team All-Pac-10. Take a look at this quote: “With Harden on the court, the Sun Devils have a real shot to compete for the league title.” Really? You don’t say. With Michael Jordan on the court, the Chicago Bulls have a real shot at winning an NBA title. With Sandy Koufax on the mound, the Los Angeles Dodgers have a real shot at winning this game. You see the trend.

Back during the 2003-2004 season, Katz was a UW hater. He hated on the Huskies because he thought we weren’t good enough to go to the NCAA tournament. But as soon as the Dawgs made the tourney, Katz was a Husky fan. He loved the Huskies. He always loved the Huskies. The Huskies were his pick. Right. And now that we’re down again, the Huskies are “disappointing.” Hey smart guy, the Huskies were disappointing two years ago. Last year we expected them to be down. This year, the bar is set so freaking low that we consider our one-point victory over Portland State to be a major step forward. The only person disappointed is you, and again, that’s because you’re an idiot.

The problem with guys like Andy Katz is that people keep employing them, and then spreading them way too thin across a body of work they know little about. Katz doesn’t know Pac-10 college basketball. Katz doesn’t know any conference of college basketball that well because he’s responsible for knowing something about all of them. He’s the Willie Bloomquist of college basketball reporting. He can do everything in average fashion, but nothing very well. Katz knows a little bit about all the conferences, but nothing exceptional about any of them. In the eyes of most fans, that makes him a bonehead. Is it entirely his fault? No. ESPN has put him in this position. Does it really matter? No, because “By Andy Katz” still appears at the top of each of his articles and his face still appears on each of his TV segments, and 90% of what he spews is crap.

Let me tell you something right now. Here at Seattle Sportsnet, you’ll never get crap. We hate crap. We’re anti-crap. We don’t know jack about curling, horse racing, the Toledo Mudhens, or hockey, and we’ll never pretend that we do just to please our readership. No way, we respect the fans out there and we respect the mutual knowledge we can share with you. The problem is, too many guys out there on ESPN, Fox Sports, and all those other media outlets are put into a position where they have to pretend for you, like puppets. They fake knowledge just so some dumb-dumb will start following what they have to say. That’s not fair to you, an intelligent human being with your own opinions on sports. Let me clarify something. I’m not mad at guys like Andy Katz because they rip on the Huskies or any of our other sports teams. I can respect their opinions if those opinions are genuine and actually have some thought behind them. But when they produce generic filler with no power behind their words and a first grader’s understanding on the subject matter, it’s an insult to you, me, and anyone else who digests their work. I’m sick of it, and it needs to stop. Andy Katz’s of the world, I’m calling you out.

Who is your favorite sportscaster?

Okay, Seattle sports fans. Time to vote on your favorite sportscaster. We’ve broken these reporters up into different groups and want you to have your say as to who the very best is. Without further ado, the nominees.

Favorite kid-loving sportscaster: Eric Johnson, KOMO News 4.

No, he’s not the guy that wrote “Cliffs of Dover,” but he is one of Seattle’s longtime broadcasters and the founder of “Eric’s Little Heroes,” a frequent KOMO segment that spotlights youth sports. Johnson has worked for Seattle’s ABC affiliate since 1993 and has received more than 25 local Emmy awards, according to his bio on komonews.com. Johnson also sports the unique ability to multitask, occasionally filling in at the news desk in a pinch and reading the day’s non-sports headlines, as well. Johnson is a former college baseball player at Washington State and has been the Sports Director at KOMO for much of his tenure.

Favorite prima donna sportscaster: Paul Silvi, KING 5 News.

All you really need to know about Paul Silvi is that he has his own Myspace page with a self-taken bathroom shot of his abs. Okay, that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but go to myspace.com/paulsilvi and you’ll see that I’m at least telling a half-truth. Silvi is Silvi, and you either love him or hate him. He’s basically a poor man’s Jim Rome with half the pull, all the attitude, and a gigglier disposition. He’s been to known to get into confrontations with other media members and is the host of the High School Sports Blitz on weekends and Northwest Sports Tonight on Northwest Cable News. Like Eric Johnson, Silvi is also a former collegiate athlete, having played football at Bowling Green State University.

Favorite whore of a sportscaster: Gaard Swanson, KIRO 7 News (currently).

It may be no fault of his own, but Gaard Swanson seemingly appears on a new station every time you turn on the TV. When he first came to Seattle in the early ’90’s, Gaard backed up Paul Silvi at KING. When he realized Silvi wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon, Swanson returned to his native California to do the sports there. He returned to Seattle shortly thereafter, taking his act to the new Fox Sports Northwest when it came to be in the late ’90’s. Finally, in 2002, Gaard landed at KIRO where he’s been the Sports Director ever since. In his spare time, Gaard branches out, hosting Generation Renovation on the Home and Garden Network.

Favorite under-the-radar sportscaster: Dan Devone, Q13 Fox News.

If you’re getting your news from Q13, then you’re not really getting your news at all. If KING, KIRO, and KOMO are the major leagues of local news, Q13 is their Double-A farm club, relying on gimmicks (9 PM news), antics (Top 40 music playing during commercial wraps), and a laid-back approach to reporting in order to separate themselves from those conservative stiffs on the other stations. Dan Devone, then, is arguably the Crash Davis of sports reporters in the Emerald City. He’s been bringing you Q It Up sports for nearly a decade, but chances are you don’t know who the guy is. Neither does anyone else. A Google search on Devone reveals little about the enigma he truly is, and a full-scale scrubbing of the Q13 website leads nowhere. Devone is a mystery to most Seattleites, but he remains loyal to the city and the local sports scene.

Favorite local cable sportscaster: Angie Mentink, FSN.

The former Husky softball player has been a fixture at FSN since its inception in 1999. She has seemingly endured millions of on-air pregnancies and yet has always remained upbeat in reporting news on the local teams. Even after being paired with the likes of Jason Gesser and Bob Weiss during her tenure, Mentink has managed to remain a stalwart on the local Seattle sports scene. Despite bad on-air partnerships, numerous losing seasons, and all the bumps in her lap, Mentink has remained as the lone bright spot on an otherwise subpar sports broadcast.

Favorite national sportscaster: Erin Andrews, ESPN.

Picture Rosie O’Donnell, the anti-boner. Now picture the exact opposite of that. You have Erin Andrews, ESPN sideline reporter and certifiable bombdotcom sportscaster. Andrews is a 30-year-old University of Florida grad, who first appeared on our TV sets in 2004 when she started working at ESPN. Since then, she has reached a level of stardom that few sideline reporters will ever achieve, making news despite interviewing players’ parents at the College World Series and assistant coaches on losing basketball teams. Women love her attitude, men love her other features.

In a male-dominated profession, Andrews has received her fair share of criticism, be it for attiring herself in too-revealing fashion, or for taking indecent liberties when conducting interviews. Fair or unfair, Andrews has been a lightning rod for attention ever since she first hit the mainstream airwaves and as of right now, her star only continues to rise.

Those are the choices. Now it’s your turn to pick your favorite. Check out our poll on the lefthand sidebar to make your selection. Thanks for voting!