Good news! If you’re one of the many Seahawks fans who would like to see someone other than current offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell calling plays, Marshawn Lynch’s mother agrees with you.
Mama Lynch posted the following diatribe on her public Facebook profile on Monday night:
I guess it might be time to gas up the #FireBevell bandwagon once again.
HEAVEN — Refuting comments made Monday by Kam Chancellor in a report from 710 ESPN Seattle, God, Lord of All Things, spoke on the record to inquiring reporters for the first time in several millennia.
“I absolutely, one-hundred-percent do not give a damn,” said God, when asked about Chancellor’s claim that a contract dispute with the Seattle Seahawks was “in God’s hands.”
“Is he planning to part the Red Sea anytime soon? Will he be leading an entire group of people to freedom from religious persecution? No? Then that shit is not in my hands,” proclaimed Our Lord.
Continue reading God: Chancellor’s Situation “Not In My Hands”
Happy Blue Friday, Seahawks fans, and welcome to the 2015 NFL season. The Hawks take on the lightly-hated Rams in St. Louis on Sunday at 10:00 a.m. Pacific Time and we’re here to tell you what these cake-eaters down in Missouri are all about. As the year progresses, we’ll bring you a look at Seattle’s next opponent each week, so check back often. Without further ado, let’s investigate these bastards.
First of all, a ram is a stupid mascot. Rams are the belligerent, drunk assholes of the animal kingdom, literally butting heads with every other being they encounter. They wake up in a cave, walk outside, see another creature in their space, and go flying at it like a wayward safety with no regard for CTE. If you really wanted to be represented by a belligerent, drunk asshole, why not name the team after your idiot friend Steve, who gets all handsy and racist when he’s had a few too many whiskey sours. The St. Louis Drunk Steves. It’s a more accurate depiction of the foolishness we’re dealing with here.
The team itself is no better than its mascot.
Jeff Fisher and his staff have assembled a roster that looks like it was borne from a night of heavy drinking. This team is sticking Nick Foles under center and actually expecting to win games. Some of you may remember Foles from his underwhelming stint with the Eagles. Others may recall his college days at the University of Arizona, where Foles had a penchant for throwing dink-and-dunk bubble screens for weeks at a time. The 26-year-old is the veritable equivalent of a slap hitter in baseball, eking out yardage in the most undeserving way possible. Plus he looks like Sunshine from Remember the Titans — if Sunshine from Remember the Titans got kicked in the face by a pack mule.
Continue reading Know Your F@#%ing Opponent: St. Louis Rams
In the seminal romantic sports movie Love & Basketball, star-crossed lovers Quincy McCall and Monica Wright share a passion for the titular subjects, love and basketball. As next door neighbors throughout their childhood, Quincy and Monica succumb to attraction in their final year of high school and carry their affair to college, where Quincy finds himself on the USC men’s basketball team and Monica on the USC women’s squad.
As both freshmen deal with the pressures of college athletics, the angst of Quincy’s tumultuous family life creeps in and threatens to destroy the seemingly idyllic romance the pair have crafted. When Monica cannot provide the emotional support Quincy desires in a time of need, a heated argument ensues and Quincy, understandably hurt and frustrated, abruptly breaks off his relationship with Monica. As the story progresses years into the future, we learn that our two protagonists have not reconciled and their love, forever buried in the heat of a teenager’s ire, may never again resurface.
Continue reading Kam Chancellor’s Stupid, Pouty Holdout
Who is that assistant linebacker’s coach the Seahawks just hired? Why is he so important? And why is everyone so excited to have him aboard?
These are questions you may find yourself asking in the wake of the recent news about the hiring of one Lofa Tatupu, new assistant linebacker’s coach for your Seattle Seahawks. And your questions are certainly valid. How often do we really get excited about an assistant’s assistant, anyway? And why this assistant’s assistant, for that matter?
You’re very lost and confused. You’ve been a 12 since 2012, but this name rings no bells. Tatupu? Can’t remember hearing that one tossed around the water cooler at work. Fear not, good 12. Despite your relative lack of devotion to a sports franchise which you’ve blindly pledged your faith, we’re here to help. Let’s begin, shall we?
The legend of Lofa Tatupu begins precisely one decade ago, in a simpler time, before the advent of Twitter, or iPhones, or even Super Bowl XLVIII neck tattoos. It is a legend that spans just six years, and yet one that radiates as bright as the dazzling incandescence of a colossal supernova. Tatupu, you see, was a vibrant, lustrous star. But we’ll table his legend for now. Because in order to be properly introduced to greatness, one must first understand what greatness is not.
Continue reading Introducing 12s to Lofa Tatupu
I’ll never forget the first time I ever witnessed one of my favorite sports teams endure a bitter, unexpected defeat. The date was May 7th, 1994. It was a Saturday and I was at a friend’s house. He was the catcher on our Little League team, the Orioles, and I was one of two pitchers on the squad. We’d played a game that morning, and immediately after we went back to his place to watch basketball.
Our beloved Sonics played the Denver Nuggets that afternoon, game five of the NBA’s Western Conference First Round Playoffs. The series was tied at two games apiece. Seattle had taken an early 2-0 series lead with the home court advantage. Games three and four, however, went to the Nuggets in the altitude of the Mile High City. A return to the Pacific Northwest signaled the final bout of the five-game matchup. As the number-one overall seed, the Sonics should have easily dispatched the lowly Nuggets, winners of just 42 contests in the regular season. And yet on this particular day, it wasn’t meant to be.
Continue reading The Fleeting Disappointment of Defeat
I love Marshawn Lynch. He is the curator of some of our greatest memories as sports fans and without a doubt one of the greatest athletes this city has ever seen. At this point in his decorated career, Lynch needs no colorful introduction. He is simply one of the most accomplished figures in Seattle sports history.
By contrast, I hate this incessant Marshawn Lynch versus “the media” saga that will not die. Of late, this story has spiraled to the point of fans crafting a petition to keep the NFL and the media from “bullying” Lynch by interviewing him after games. This is so incredibly stupid.
Continue reading An Open Vent: The Marshawn Lynch Saga That Will Not Die