HEAVEN — Refuting comments made Monday by Kam Chancellor in a report from 710 ESPN Seattle, God, Lord of All Things, spoke on the record to inquiring reporters for the first time in several millennia.
“I absolutely, one-hundred-percent do not give a damn,” said God, when asked about Chancellor’s claim that a contract dispute with the Seattle Seahawks was “in God’s hands.”
“Is he planning to part the Red Sea anytime soon? Will he be leading an entire group of people to freedom from religious persecution? No? Then that shit is not in my hands,” proclaimed Our Lord.
Continue reading God: Chancellor’s Situation “Not In My Hands”
Happy Blue Friday, Seahawks fans, and welcome to the 2015 NFL season. The Hawks take on the lightly-hated Rams in St. Louis on Sunday at 10:00 a.m. Pacific Time and we’re here to tell you what these cake-eaters down in Missouri are all about. As the year progresses, we’ll bring you a look at Seattle’s next opponent each week, so check back often. Without further ado, let’s investigate these bastards.
First of all, a ram is a stupid mascot. Rams are the belligerent, drunk assholes of the animal kingdom, literally butting heads with every other being they encounter. They wake up in a cave, walk outside, see another creature in their space, and go flying at it like a wayward safety with no regard for CTE. If you really wanted to be represented by a belligerent, drunk asshole, why not name the team after your idiot friend Steve, who gets all handsy and racist when he’s had a few too many whiskey sours. The St. Louis Drunk Steves. It’s a more accurate depiction of the foolishness we’re dealing with here.
The team itself is no better than its mascot.
Jeff Fisher and his staff have assembled a roster that looks like it was borne from a night of heavy drinking. This team is sticking Nick Foles under center and actually expecting to win games. Some of you may remember Foles from his underwhelming stint with the Eagles. Others may recall his college days at the University of Arizona, where Foles had a penchant for throwing dink-and-dunk bubble screens for weeks at a time. The 26-year-old is the veritable equivalent of a slap hitter in baseball, eking out yardage in the most undeserving way possible. Plus he looks like Sunshine from Remember the Titans — if Sunshine from Remember the Titans got kicked in the face by a pack mule.
Continue reading Know Your F@#%ing Opponent: St. Louis Rams
In the seminal romantic sports movie Love & Basketball, star-crossed lovers Quincy McCall and Monica Wright share a passion for the titular subjects, love and basketball. As next door neighbors throughout their childhood, Quincy and Monica succumb to attraction in their final year of high school and carry their affair to college, where Quincy finds himself on the USC men’s basketball team and Monica on the USC women’s squad.
As both freshmen deal with the pressures of college athletics, the angst of Quincy’s tumultuous family life creeps in and threatens to destroy the seemingly idyllic romance the pair have crafted. When Monica cannot provide the emotional support Quincy desires in a time of need, a heated argument ensues and Quincy, understandably hurt and frustrated, abruptly breaks off his relationship with Monica. As the story progresses years into the future, we learn that our two protagonists have not reconciled and their love, forever buried in the heat of a teenager’s ire, may never again resurface.
Continue reading Kam Chancellor’s Stupid, Pouty Holdout
Who is that assistant linebacker’s coach the Seahawks just hired? Why is he so important? And why is everyone so excited to have him aboard?
These are questions you may find yourself asking in the wake of the recent news about the hiring of one Lofa Tatupu, new assistant linebacker’s coach for your Seattle Seahawks. And your questions are certainly valid. How often do we really get excited about an assistant’s assistant, anyway? And why this assistant’s assistant, for that matter?
You’re very lost and confused. You’ve been a 12 since 2012, but this name rings no bells. Tatupu? Can’t remember hearing that one tossed around the water cooler at work. Fear not, good 12. Despite your relative lack of devotion to a sports franchise which you’ve blindly pledged your faith, we’re here to help. Let’s begin, shall we?
The legend of Lofa Tatupu begins precisely one decade ago, in a simpler time, before the advent of Twitter, or iPhones, or even Super Bowl XLVIII neck tattoos. It is a legend that spans just six years, and yet one that radiates as bright as the dazzling incandescence of a colossal supernova. Tatupu, you see, was a vibrant, lustrous star. But we’ll table his legend for now. Because in order to be properly introduced to greatness, one must first understand what greatness is not.
Continue reading Introducing 12s to Lofa Tatupu
I’ll never forget the first time I ever witnessed one of my favorite sports teams endure a bitter, unexpected defeat. The date was May 7th, 1994. It was a Saturday and I was at a friend’s house. He was the catcher on our Little League team, the Orioles, and I was one of two pitchers on the squad. We’d played a game that morning, and immediately after we went back to his place to watch basketball.
Our beloved Sonics played the Denver Nuggets that afternoon, game five of the NBA’s Western Conference First Round Playoffs. The series was tied at two games apiece. Seattle had taken an early 2-0 series lead with the home court advantage. Games three and four, however, went to the Nuggets in the altitude of the Mile High City. A return to the Pacific Northwest signaled the final bout of the five-game matchup. As the number-one overall seed, the Sonics should have easily dispatched the lowly Nuggets, winners of just 42 contests in the regular season. And yet on this particular day, it wasn’t meant to be.
Continue reading The Fleeting Disappointment of Defeat
I love Marshawn Lynch. He is the curator of some of our greatest memories as sports fans and without a doubt one of the greatest athletes this city has ever seen. At this point in his decorated career, Lynch needs no colorful introduction. He is simply one of the most accomplished figures in Seattle sports history.
By contrast, I hate this incessant Marshawn Lynch versus “the media” saga that will not die. Of late, this story has spiraled to the point of fans crafting a petition to keep the NFL and the media from “bullying” Lynch by interviewing him after games. This is so incredibly stupid.
Continue reading An Open Vent: The Marshawn Lynch Saga That Will Not Die
With all due respect to the San Francisco 49ers, there may be no team easier to hate than the Carolina Panthers.
Don’t believe me? I can give you three reasons why the Seahawks’ upcoming playoff opponent is worth a hefty dose of your spiteful venom. And it all starts with the quarterback…
1. Cam Newton’s fake perma-smile
Cam Newton is to football what Alex Rodriguez is to baseball. Like A-Rod, Newton is a talented superstar. Like A-Rod, Newton has ventured into his share of controversy in the past. Like A-Rod, Newton feigns obliviousness to the public’s perception of him. And like A-Rod, Newton seems to be among the most genuinely disingenuous personas in all of sports.
Continue reading Three Reasons You Should Start Despising the Carolina Panthers TODAY
January 8th, 2011 …
… versus December 21st, 2014
In fairness to the mantra uttered by members of San Francisco’s steadily eroding fan base, the 49ers did indeed achieve a Quest for Six on Sunday afternoon.
With just over thirteen minutes remaining in the first half, the frail fragments of former running back Frank Gore plunged into the end zone for a sextet of points and a whopping eighty-six-percent of San Francisco’s scoring output on the day. Seconds later, a keen ear could almost make out the resonating sound of Gore’s Life Alert Emergency Response monitor, the result of the old man unexpectedly succumbing to the effects of gravity.
The Niners’ lone touchdown was supplemented only by Phil Dawson’s extra point, tacked on immediately after Gore’s jaunt to paydirt. And just like that, it was over.
If there is such a thing as moral victories, however, the visiting squad could chalk up their second quarter red zone success as exactly that. In two of the three previous games, the Seahawks had neglected to allow their foes anything more than a field goal. That San Francisco achieved a six-point score should be applauded. Quest for Six complete.
Continue reading Death of a Rivalry
Sunday was not a great day for Seattle sports fans. Both the Seahawks and Mariners fell to their respective opponents, doing so in a span of ten minutes around 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time. For those paying witness to either contest, the results were soul-crushing.
The Seahawks, of course, never lose. They hadn’t fallen short of victory since a late-season slip-up at the hands of the Arizona Cardinals some eight months and twenty-five days ago, a loss remembered as a mere speed bump along the Super Bowl autobahn. That the Hawks had neglected to triumph just three times during the 2013 campaign certainly didn’t help, either. A fan base perennially exposed to defeat for decades prior had come to anticipate winning based on the dominating successes of a few quality years. Withering under the 90-plus-degree heat of San Diego’s late-summer sun was certainly unacceptable. Until it became a reality. And then it was nothing short of mind-blowing.
Before the shock of a Seahawks loss could truly set in, let alone wear off, the Mariners went down swinging, literally, as Michael Saunders struck out in the ninth inning, capping off a 4-0 undressing by the visiting Oakland A’s. The outcome marked consecutive defeats for the M’s, sending true-to-the-blue fanatics into full-blown panic mode. In the throes of the franchise’s first legitimate playoff run in more than a decade, one loss was heartbreaking, but two in a row? And just minutes after the football team lost, too? Sharp objects required hiding.
Continue reading A Lose-Loose Situation: Profiling One Bad Sunday
Back in 2011 you were a nomad, a football fan with allegiances to no team, no players, no logo, no jerseys, nothing. Occasionally, you spent your Sundays watching games with friends, only arriving to cheer on the men in uniform who peppered the fantasy roster you sort of paid attention to. There was Marques Coleman, your wide receiver, and Marian Foster, your running back. You always knew to root against the quarterback of the Cowboys, who shared a name with that restaurant chain, and to show at least a little partiality towards the local club, the Seahawks, since that’s what your buddies did.
But those Seahawks, they weren’t great. They stumbled to a 7-9 finish that year and failed to make the playoffs. Why be a Seahawks fan, you thought, when it was clear the team was no good?
Continue reading Introducing the #12since12 Movement
Wanking motion: the act of clasping one’s thumb against the forefinger in a semi-closed fist, raising the fist in the air, and moving it up and down to simulate masturbation. Usually performed as a metaphor for dismissive nonchalance towards an unrelated event of little importance.
There are any number of reasons to dislike The Seattle Times.
Maybe you loathe the fact that their editorial board seemingly fornicates with people who vehemently oppose the thought of the Sonics returning to Seattle.
Maybe you’re less than enthralled with their prep sports coverage, since the deadbeat high school coach who once tutored your child submitted a half-assed misspelling of your family’s weird surname to the paper, thus causing a misprint alongside your kid’s six-point , two-rebound stat line in the Class 1B state consolation game a few years ago.
Continue reading Richard Sherman’s Media Boycott Is Stupid
The Seahawks released a peculiar statement on Wednesday announcing the impending divorce of quarterback Russell Wilson from his wife, Ashton. Who knows for sure why the organization deemed this press release-worthy, but they did and now everyone seemingly has an opinion on the biggest news of the Seahawks’ offseason.
It’s anyone’s guess as to why the Wilsons are legally separating, but certainly none of our business to speculate. Regardless of the how or the why, though, you have to respect the decision of two young adults who married fresh out of college and have made the difficult decision to move forward with their lives individually.
All things considered, we now progress into a world where Russell Wilson has become Seattle’s most eligible bachelor. This is both good and bad for the Super Bowl hero, as enterprising young women across the Puget Sound will immediately begin vying for Wilson’s attention (good), but may be doing so without the best intentions in mind (bad).
At the same time, if you’re the signal-caller of a championship football team, how do you prepare yourself to begin dating again? As someone who has always preached that “the separation is in the preparation” – admittedly, not the best quote to pull in this time of imminent estrangement – the 25-year-old may need some help. Hence, we’ve created this handy dating playbook full of questions and answers.
Question 1: Is she only into me for my money?
Most of us don’t have to worry about this because we’re poorer than shit. But for Wilson, who stands to make millions upon millions of dollars in the coming years, this is a real problem.
Continue reading A Dating Playbook for the Newly-Single Russell Wilson
There are more than a few dozen Golden Tates. He is a type. He is not the prototype. He is not Calvin Johnson. You can replace a Golden Tate with another Tate-type. You cannot replace a Calvin Johnson, a prototype, when only one of his kind, a six-foot-five-inch speedster with hands like cocoa butter, exists.
This is the reality of business in the National Football League. Unless you are a unique breed, amongst the elite in the sport, you are replaceable. You’re an after-market iPhone charger, a USB thumb drive, a pair of Levi’s 501s. We can go to the store and easily get more of you. Or in the case of your average NFL player, browse the open market for a viable successor.
Continue reading Golden Tate and the Conundrum of Replaceable Players
Football season is over and baseball season has yet to begin. We’re fully immersed in that special time of year when basketball and hockey take center stage, which in turn means Seattleites have nothing to do right now.
As a result, you’ve been productively slogging your way through other things that aren’t football since the magic of Super Bowl XLVIII a distant five weeks ago. And what exactly have you been up to? Read on and we’ll find out…
Continue reading Top 11: Ways You’ve Been Spending the Seahawks Offseason