Category Archives: NFL

Just When You Think Chad Ochocinco Couldn’t Possibly Be Any Dumber…

ochocinco…He goes and does something like this, and TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF! To quote Dumb and Dumber.

Really, how can you not love Chad Johnson-Ochocinco after a move like that? Buying up all the unsold tickets to prevent a blackout of Sunday’s Bengals game. That’s class.

To top it off, Chad went out and purchased 40 tickets to give away to anyone interested in seeing Law Abiding Citizen tonight, too.

What a guy. Call him a distraction or a diva if you must, but there are times when the man has his brilliant moments in life. And these are two of them.

The Breaking Of Larry Johnson

larryjohnsonEveryone knows that Larry Johnson is having a bad year.

The Kansas City Chiefs starting tailback has put up measley numbers despite ample opportunity in five games this season.

Johnson, who rushed for over 1,700 yards in both 2005 and 2006, has had an up and down career marked by inconsistency and, most notably, a couple scrapes with the law.

Even still, nobody deserves an assessment like this. Even if it is 100% statistical fact.

Continue reading The Breaking Of Larry Johnson

Rush Limbaugh, American Citizen, Has Every Right To Buy An NFL Team

rushlimbaughIf Rush Limbaugh wants to buy a football team, then he should be allowed to buy a football team.  Why the hell not, right? The guy has the funds to do so, he’s not a criminal, and it is within his right as an American citizen to be able to make a legal purchase of property that is, in turn, legally and willingly sold to him.

This whole “Ban Rush” fest is getting ridiculously out of hand. It seems like every single person on the planet wants to keep him from spending his money as he wishes. I don’t even like the guy. But I respect his right to exchange currency for goods and services within the confines of our nation.

Limbaugh is a controversial figure, there’s no getting around that. He has made a living ripping other individuals, essentially turning himself into a target for scrutiny in the process. He has said some things that cannot ever be atoned for, that have tarnished the image he seemingly cares little about, and that have led to this whirlwind of speculation over his potential ownership of the NFL’s St. Louis Rams.

Continue reading Rush Limbaugh, American Citizen, Has Every Right To Buy An NFL Team

Top 11: Signs Your Fantasy Football Team Sucks

Have you seen this man? Neither have I.
Have you seen this man? Neither have I.

In this era of fantasy athletics, there are always going to be fantasy winners and fantasy losers. You strive to be a winner, but more often than not you lose. And you don’t know why.

Lucky for you, we’ve got your answers.

From sleepers to sure-things, we all make mistakes. The first step towards success is admitting we’ve made mistakes, correcting those mistakes, and moving forward from those mistakes.

Nobody is perfect and we all have our flaws. Together, we can overcome just about anything. Even Tarvaris Jackson.

On to the list…

11. Your sleepers are still sleeping

The “experts” told you to take chances on guys like Josh Morgan, Derrick Ward, and Nate Washington. Whoops. Guess they were wrong.

Continue reading Top 11: Signs Your Fantasy Football Team Sucks

Top 11: Fantasy Football Players We Love To Hate

anthonygonzalez2Every year around this time, millions of Americans kick off fantasy football season. After months of scouting, drafting, adding, and dropping, all the blood, sweat, tears, and hand cramps that go along with preparing for a new year of fake football become absolutely worthwhile.

Amidst all the pomp and circumstance of the moment is a group of real-life football players that are seemingly brought to this earth to torment the fictional locker rooms of our made-up ballclubs. They may be superstars who absolutely murder the opposition, big-name Pro Bowl-types who can’t get it done on paper, or the projected fantasy studs that can’t step their game up.

No matter who they are, we all can agree that they are deserving of our hatred. Which is why we’ve narrowed the group down and present for your enjoyment a list of the Top 11 Fantasy Football Players We Love To Hate.

*Editor’s Note: This list only includes active NFL players. So sorry, Shaun Alexander, but you don’t qualify.

11. Anthony Gonzalez, WR, Indianapolis Colts

Continue reading Top 11: Fantasy Football Players We Love To Hate

It’s Just A Sweet, Sweet Fantasy, Baby

Slaton couldn't even rush for his jersey number in Week One
Slaton couldn't even rush for his jersey number in Week One

Week one of the NFL season is less than 24 hours from being in the books, which means it’s time to talk fantasy football. Because if there’s one thing I know and want to talk about, it’s what I like to call The Three F’s: Fantasy F*cking Football.

You’re probably wondering why you should trust anything I have to say about fantasy when there are guys out there like Matthew Berry (nerd alert) and Brandon Funston (he works for Yahoo, which is the Detroit Lions of sports info websites) who make a living out of talking about fake football. The difference between guys like that and guys like me is that I can tell you the truth, while they have to worry about the repercussions of pissing off real-life football players who might eat their children if anything bad about said player is published.

Me, I’ve got two legs to stand on and eight fantasy teams, plus one survivor pool, and one Pac-10 league to worry about. If Steve Slaton is upset with me because I need his ass to put up numbers, then so be it. Bring it, Steve.

Continue reading It’s Just A Sweet, Sweet Fantasy, Baby

Nothing Says “I Love You” Like A Picture Of Sean Salisbury’s Penis

56685883CA008_Super_Bowl_XLOnce upon a time, Sean Salisbury got in trouble at ESPN for (allegedly) taking pictures of his penis and texting (or “sexting,” as the kids say) them to female coworkers. Oops.

Apparently, Salisbury — who has since been let go by the sports media giant — didn’t get the message the first time around: SEAN, IT IS NOT OKAY TO TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR PENIS AND SEND THEM TO WOMEN FROM YOUR CELL PHONE. NOT OKAY!

As of Friday, the former NFL quarterback has been terminated from his job at a Dallas radio station for (allegedly) doing the exact same thing he did at ESPN. Oops again.

Two things to take away from this.

Continue reading Nothing Says “I Love You” Like A Picture Of Sean Salisbury’s Penis

The Brutally Honest NFL Preview: AFC East

Can Sanchez build a winner in New York?
Can Sanchez build a winner in New York?

The fourth installment of our 2009 NFL Preview. Teams are ranked by projected finish.

1. New York Jets

You’re on crack, you’re on dope, you’re on LSD, you’re high, you’re intoxicated, you’re a homer (I’m not from New York), you’re insane, you’re gay.

Fact is I’m none of these things, but chances are you’re thinking it about me right now because a) this is New England’s division, b) the Dolphins are expected to be as good or better than the Jets, and c) major publications like Sports Illustrated have picked New York to finish no better than third in the AFC East. Lucky for me, I have no credibility and hence nothing to lose in making this prognostication. Allow me to explain.

First, why not the Pats or Fins?

Continue reading The Brutally Honest NFL Preview: AFC East

The Brutally Honest NFL Preview: AFC South

76184544DV012_DETROITPart three in our 2009 NFL preview. Teams are ranked by projected finish.

1. Indianapolis Colts

On paper, Peyton’s boys should run away from the rest of the division. In reality, the race for first will likely be a three-team battle that includes Houston and Tennessee, as well.

The Colts have the edge in experience and talent. Their offense is tops in the AFC South, even in spite of the departure of WR Marvin Harrison.

Harrison is replaced in the starting lineup by third-year pro Anthony Gonzalez, a sure-handed threat that should see a significant uptick in production this season. Alongside Gonzalez is the ever-reliable Reggie Wayne, who is quite simply one of the best in the business.

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The Brutally Honest NFL Preview: AFC North

Fun fact: Big Ben sits at his winter weight all season in order to absorb hits from pass-rushing defenders.
Fun fact: Big Ben sits at his winter weight all season in order to absorb hits from pass-rushing defenders.

Our preview of the 2009 NFL season continues with the AFC North. Teams are ranked by projected finish.

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

Their offensive line is nearly as protective as Travis Henry’s condoms, but that won’t slow the Steel Town juggernaut down any.

Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is used to making quick, short passes under pressure and he can expect more of the same in ’09. Per usual, wideout Hines Ward will benefit most from this arrangement.

Joining Big Ben in the Steelers’ backfield is the two-headed tailback monster of Willie Parker and Rashard Mendenhall. Both backs were injured in 2008, and are looking to rebound on disappointing seasons from a year ago.

If the line can hold at all, this offense has a chance to make noise.

Not that it matters all that much with a defense as strong as Pittsburgh’s. Opponents can expect a heavy dose of the Steel Curtain’s hard-nosed attack, and that should be enough to lead the black-and-gold to the top of the division once again.

2. Cincinnati Bengals

Continue reading The Brutally Honest NFL Preview: AFC North

The Brutally Honest NFL Preview: AFC West

Lights Out likely blew his Shot At Love with reality TV star Tila Tequila.
Lights Out likely blew his Shot At Love with reality TV star Tila Tequila.

To kick off our 2009 NFL season preview, we bring you a breakdown of the AFC Western Division. Teams are ranked by their projected finish.

1. San Diego Chargers

So what if the lights are going out on Shawne “Tequila” Merriman’s career?

Fact is, the AFC West is so bad that the Chargers should be able to pencil themselves in for a division title in each of the next three years or so.

Their window is closing thanks to a number of aging stars, but their depth is fantastic and they have weapons at every skill position.

Tailback LaDanian Tomlinson can still run the ball, backup Darren Sproles is a capable super-sub, and quarterback Phillip Rivers looks like a young Dick Vermeil but plays like a young Joe Montana.

Merriman might be an annual distraction for this club, but he’s little more than a bump in the road on the way to the playoffs.

2. Kansas City Chiefs

Continue reading The Brutally Honest NFL Preview: AFC West

Are You S#!@@!%& Me?! Burress To Serve Two Years In Prison

Burress Weapons Charges FootballFormer New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress is preparing to serve two years in New York state penitentiary after agreeing today to plead guilty to one count of attempted criminal possession of a weapon. Which I guess means he tried to possess the weapon in criminal fashion, but failed to do so criminally enough.

Let me just get right to the guts of this story. If Burress serves the entirety of his prison sentence, he will have spent more time in jail than Michael Vick (18 months) and Donte Stallworth (24 days) combined. So what do you get when you add one genocidal dog killer with a vehicular homicidal drunk? Apparently you get a guy who shoots himself in the leg in a victimless crime.

Let’s not overlook the fact that unlike thousands of crimes that take place in America on a daily basis, Burress’s criminal act had no victim. There was potential for a victim, yes, and there were laws broken in that Burress had no right to be toting a firearm. But outside of hurting his own damn self, Burress caused no discernable harm to anyone else.

Continue reading Are You S#!@@!%& Me?! Burress To Serve Two Years In Prison

Burress To Spend Year Or More In Jail? You’ve Gotta Be Kidding Me

plaxicoburressPlaxico Burress is a dumbass.

That doesn’t mean he should spend a year or longer in jail, however.

Burress, as many can recall, accidentally shot himself in the leg with an unlicensed gun in a New York night club last year. The incident was stupid, regrettable, and dangerous.

But it was also isolated and left the assailant as the only victim involved.

So why send Burress to jail for such an extended period of time for making a fool of himself?

Two reasons: He’s black, and he has a history of being a boneheaded football player. Not that any good prosecutor would ever admit this or even think to breach the topic, but it’s the truth and it’s the unfortunate reality that Plaxico Burress is currently encountering.

Continue reading Burress To Spend Year Or More In Jail? You’ve Gotta Be Kidding Me

Leaf Posts $45K Bond, Apparently Hasn’t Blown All Of Signing Bonus Yet

Uh-oh. He's got that crazy look in his eye. (Bellingham Herald)
Uh-oh. He's got that crazy look in his eye. (Bellingham Herald)

If there was ever a town that Ryan Leaf would be willing to pay $45,000 to exit, it would have to be Bellingham. The former Washington State University quarterback did just that yesterday, shortly after being arrested crossing the U.S.-Canada border in Blaine.

By posting bond, Leaf agreed to turn himself in to Texas authorities by a Thursday afternoon deadline. The ex-first round draft pick is wanted in Texas for drug and burglary charges.

Leaf has fallen on hard times recently, what with his drug addiction, job loss, and home invasion tactics, but that hasn’t kept him from saving a few pennies for a rainy day.

One has to wonder if paying $45,000 for one night of freedom is entirely worth it. Let’s just hope he had a good time. My guess is he went to see The Hangover at Bellis Fair. Good flick.

You Can Keep Donte’ Stallworth On Your Fantasy Draft Board, After All

Stallworth Pedestrian Killed FootballDonte’ Stallworth is guilty.

But that doesn’t mean he can’t play football anytime soon.

The Cleveland Browns’ wide receiver has agreed to plea guilty to DUI manslaughter and serve a short jail sentence, followed by what is expected to be a highly conditional and lengthy probation. Stallworth had been facing a 15-year jail term if convicted of the same charge.

On March 14, shortly after 7:00 AM, the 28-year-old Stallworth struck and killed a pedestrian while driving in Miami. The pedestrian, 59-year-old Mario Reyes, had been illegally crossing the street in an unmarked section of road to catch a bus on the other side.

Stallworth, who had been driving his 2005 Bentley at the time, flashed his lights at Reyes to warn him before the crash. He then remained at the scene after the collision, and was later found to have a blood alcohol level of .126, well above the .08 legal limit. He also been traveling at approximately 50 MPH in a 40 MPH zone.

Continue reading You Can Keep Donte’ Stallworth On Your Fantasy Draft Board, After All