I’ve never seen two people more perfect for each other than Tim Tebow and Tyler Hansbrough. If it wasn’t against the laws of nature, I could see the two of them hooking up and bearing eight, maybe nine, beautiful children. Who knows, maybe one day they will be able to reproduce together, at which point the Dukes and Florida States of the world better watch out.
Never have there been two athletes as intense about well, everything, than the Florida quarterback and North Carolina power forward. Their combined intensity is probably just powerful enough to light up Las Vegas for three or four millennia. I’d wager that when the two of them finally do get together and make babies happen that they’ll carry out the ritual in a fashion similar to spiders, with one partner devouring the other immediately after the seed has been planted. It’s not out of the realm of possibility.
For all their prowess in the field of athletics, both Tebow and Hansbrough receive mixed reviews from the pantheon of sports fanatics around the nation. While each is beloved beyond belief at his respective academic institution, bitter rivals would just as soon see either of the two individuals run over by a bus or trampled by a pride of lions before ever putting on a uniform again. If you happen to tune into Sportscenter at any point during the day, chances are you’ll hear about one or both of these guys within 15 minutes of switching to the broadcast. It can be a bit overwhelming if you don’t have a constant hard-on for either member of the Dynamic Duo.
Which is why for all the respect we have with regards to the abilities of both Tebow and Hansbrough, it can be tough to truly enjoy what they do when they each have a fatal flaw that seems to rub so many of us the wrong way. Tebow, for example, is just way too sincere. After his team’s only loss this season, Tebow issued a statement in the post-game press conference apologizing for the defeat. The gesture was touching, but the words seemed almost scripted and made you wonder if this guy was human or sent to earth by a planet of Utopians baiting us into falling for one of their kind so they could take over our world. Here’s the video, you be the judge:
Tim Tebow addresses the media following Florida’s 31-30 loss to Ole Miss on 9/27/08.
Unlike Tebow–who, I might add, spends his offseasons giving religious seminars at maximum security penitentiaries, further adding to his legacy as a non-human alien robot–Hansbrough has quite a few more detractors and seemingly lacks the social grace displayed by his gridiron counterpart. Among other things, the UNC forward has a knack for maintaining a crazy look in his eye at all times. As if possessed by some invisible force, Hansbrough never seems to blink and constantly emits a laser stare that could make Steven Seagal uncomfortable. When put in front of a camera, Hansbrough resembles a deer in the headlights who’s been sipping on PCP-infused Red Bull all day; needless to say it’s a little frightening. Then again, I guess you don’t come by the nickname “Psycho T” by being a normal dude.
I’ll admit, I don’t really like either of these guys too much. I’ve never liked Hansbrough, and Tebow was cool until I saw that post-game apology. They’re both great players, but they just don’t seem like guys you could ever sit down and have a beer with. Hansbrough would probably pound fifteen shots first, then chug his beer, call you a bitch and walk out. Tebow would explain to you the social ramifications of alcohol consumption before ordering a diet Coke instead. All the more reason why I fully expect to see a Junior Tebow-Hansbrough walking around in the next twenty years or so. Medical science has come a long way, and it’s only a matter of time…