Category Archives: NCAA Basketball

The Ultimate Lazy Fan’s Guide to Watching the NCAA Tournament

crying2If you’re anything like my good friend Matt and I, you’ll be glued to your couch the next two days watching the opening rounds of the NCAA Tournament. Matt and I have been planning this for awhile. We each took vacation time for no other reason than to watch 48 hours of basketball from my living room.

In order to maximize our TV watching, I’ve composed a chronological schedule of all opening-round games with locations, times, and TV stations and am sharing it with you. So now instead of panicking when one game ends, you can simply refer to this schedule and flip the station without thinking. I’d get you chips and beer if I could, but this will have to do for now. Happy viewing!

*Note: All times listed are Pacific. Because this is Seattle.

Day 1: Thursday, March 21, 2013

No. of games: 16

First game start time: 9:15am

Last game start time: 6:57pm

Approximate viewing time: 12 hours

Continue reading The Ultimate Lazy Fan’s Guide to Watching the NCAA Tournament

A Totally Uninformed NCAA Tournament Preview

Because when you’re uninformed, you can never legitimately be wrong.

East Region

(1) Ohio State vs. (16) Winner of Texas-San Antonio/Alabama State

This will be worse than when Team USA played Iceland for the first time in D2: The Mighty Ducks Are Back. Winner: Ohio State.

(8) George Mason vs. (9) Villanova

Doubting George Mason has never proven wrong in the past. Winner: Villanova.

(5) West Virginia vs. (12) Winner of UAB/Clemson

Continue reading A Totally Uninformed NCAA Tournament Preview

Cameron Dollar Takes His Team To Quiznos Before Tipoff

dollar3Just read this:

My words won’t do it justice.

I mean, we all know that C-Money has put on a few over the years. Maybe we can blame Quiznos for the weight gain.

There is that Quiznos on 45th in the U. District. Just out of walking range, but right inside driving range. Which explains the problem.

Baby Jesus Jarvis Varnado Can’t Save MSU In Loss

jarvis-varnadoRemember Jarvis Varnado?

You know, the guy Jon Brockman wouldn’t be able to handle.

The Mississippi State forward who was unlike anyone any of us out here on the West Coast had ever seen before.

The guy who once flashed gang signs at Venoy Overton.

The second coming of Jesus, Himself, who was the subject of a special Seattle Sportsnet feature back in March.

Well, his team just lost. Again.

In fact, you might say that Varnado’s Mississippi State team is on a losing streak.

The 19th-ranked Bulldogs lost their first game of the year Friday night to unranked Rider. They also lost their last game of last year to the mighty Washington Huskies. That’s two losses in a row. That’s called a losing streak.

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Cougars Don Their Gay Apparel To Promote Hardwood


The WSU basketball team is promoting their annual Hardwood Classic with this festive background image on local websites.

This rivals the Errol Knight Gonzaga Basketball commercial from back in the day for “Worst In-State Athletic Media Publication of All-Time.”

For the record, the Hardwood Classic takes place on December 22nd at that decaying facility in Lower Queen Anne that a pro basketball team used to play at. Get your tickets before this event gets rescheduled for a Miley Cyrus concert or something.

Ernie Kent and the Greatest Dream EVER!

Ernie attempts to calm a riot incited by the chanting of his nickname, Ernesto.
Ernie attempts to calm a riot incited by the chanting of his nickname, Ernesto.

Woke up this morning remembering every detail of my dream in complete clarity. To call this the greatest dream ever is an understatement. At the very least, we need to refer to it with unnecessary capitalization of letters (EVER!).

So here’s the premise.

I’m stuck in Eugene, Oregon for whatever awful reason and find my way into a basketball arena where I’m quickly trapped along with about 20,000 or so other people.

Unbeknownst to everyone else (but beknownst to me, even though beknownst isn’t a word) we are here to be killed. Killed by none other than University of Oregon basketball coach/diabolical genius bent on world domination Ernie Kent.

Using Detroit Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford as a robot weapon of mass destruction, Kent has plotted to have us all murdered for his pure enjoyment (his motive is not made entirely clear to me, though at this point in my dream I’m in that “act first, ask question later” mode).

Continue reading Ernie Kent and the Greatest Dream EVER!

Rick Pitino Probably Shouldn’t Have Porked That Crazy MILF (Video)

rickpitinoThe one thing we can take away from all this is just because a woman has big boobs and is throwing herself at you, it doesn’t mean you should feel obligated to have sexual relations with her, married or not.

For one thing, she might be crazy.

For another, she might be crazy enough to play the “I’m pregnant with your baby” game when you try to leave her.

And for a third, she might be so freakin’ crazy that she attempts to extort $10 million from your ass when all else fails.

Continue reading Rick Pitino Probably Shouldn’t Have Porked That Crazy MILF (Video)

Derrick Rose Cheated Everybody, But Will Never Pay The Price

derrickroseDerrick Rose doesn’t have to play by the rules.

The former University of Memphis point guard never took the Scholastic Aptitude Test, instead having a friend sweat through the exam under Rose’s name.

The results of the SAT were then sent to the NCAA clearinghouse and the qualifying score resulted in Rose being admitted to Memphis. From there, the talented freshman helped lead the Tigers basketball team to a 38-win season and an appearance in the national title game.

Memphis ended up losing in the championship to Kansas, but now must forfeit (or “vacate,” as the pundits like to say) all 38 of their victories from that fateful 2007-2008 season.

All because Derrick Rose cheated. Knowingly cheated. And did so with zero regard for the consequences his former university now faces.

Continue reading Derrick Rose Cheated Everybody, But Will Never Pay The Price

Tim Floyd Attempts To Salvage Reputation By Quitting

timfloydWhen the going gets tough, Tim Floyd gets going.

Going out of town, that is.

The USC men’s basketball coach submitted a letter of resignation yesterday, and now appears to be headed for a spider hole in Iraq, or perhaps a beach in Mexico somewhere.

Under investigation for violating NCAA rules, the USC basketball program appeared on the verge of serious penalty prior to Floyd’s self-termination.

The speculation surrounding the Trojans will likely only increase with Floyd’s departure.

Continue reading Tim Floyd Attempts To Salvage Reputation By Quitting

According to Billy Gillespie, sucking at your job is NOT cause for termination

p1_gillispieFormer University of Kentucky men’s basketball coach Billy Gillespie is suing his one-time employer for being fired without cause.


Gillespie, who led the Wildcats to a subpar 40-27 record during his two-year stint in Lexington, is seeking at least $6 million in damages.

(Raucous laughter boiling over into hysterics)

The 24-page lawsuit filed by Gillespie’s attorneys portrays the ex-coach as an up-and-comer who was victimized by the university’s “false representations” towards honoring the contract offered to the 49-year-old.

(Tears now, tears)

The lawsuit goes on to accuse the university of fraud, and detail the “make-believe world” that Gillespie’s former bosses live in.

Continue reading According to Billy Gillespie, sucking at your job is NOT cause for termination

How old is Stanley Robinson?

Just give me a minute to rest my bones...
Just give me a minute to rest my bones...

University of Connecticut men’s basketball player Stanley Robinson looks like a grandfather.  And yet his birthdate is listed as July 14, 1988.

For those of you adept at adding and subtracting in your head, that makes Robinson 20 years old, going on 21.

Perhaps my eyes deceive me, but if Robinson were a Dominican baseball player, it’s all but certain that we would have to check and recheck his birth certificate to confirm the man’s age.

Robinson has the physique and athleticism of a 20-year-old, but the mug of an aging Tim Meadows.  You remember Tim Meadows, right?  Former Saturday Night Live cast member who was mauled by both a tiger and a bear after filming Mean Girls in 2004…ring a bell?

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This week is Sports Heaven

heavenRegardless of who you are, or who you root for, this week is sports heaven.

The Seattle Mariners are tied for first place and hopes are high at least for at least the next seven days with the start of the season tonight against the Twins of Minneapolis. Felix Hernandez is the leading Cy Young candidate in our eyes and we are all making cases for how the Mariners can pull the impossible and be this season’s Tampa Bay Rays.

The NCAA Basketball National Championship game is also tonight. While we are switching back and forth between the Mariners game and the basketball game, we can all become Michigan State Spartan fans as we will a state that is down on its luck to victory.

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Floyd’s decision boggles the mind

timfloydPulling a Floyd: 1) Turning down a beautiful, unexpected gift for no apparent reason; 2) Committing an error in judgment of epic proportions; 3) Failing to appeal to sanity when faced with an otherwise easy decision.  Example: Refusing to accept the men’s basketball head coaching job at the University of Arizona.

Call it “Pulling a Floyd.” 

Tim Floyd’s decision to spurn the University of Arizona men’s basketball program for his current employer, USC, is absolutely mind-boggling. 

It’s like being offered the keys to a brand new Ferrari, when you’re current car is a Hyundai (no offense to Hyundai owners, they make a very practical automobile), and having the lack of sense to simply refuse this beautiful, wonderful, amazing gift that has fallen into your lap. 

Continue reading Floyd’s decision boggles the mind

Ducks resort to cannibalism in Eugene

olduologoA gaggle of University of Oregon basketball players were cited by police after shooting metal BBs at ducks and geese Monday night.

Freshmen Michael Dunigan, Josh Crittle, and Teondre Williams were each served with court orders for their role in the harassment of the water fowl at Eugene’s Alton Baker Park.

Police spokeswoman Jenna LaBounty stated that it was unclear whether any of the birds had been injured or killed during the shootings, though the charges placed upon the trio were for discharging firearms, rather than animal cruelty.

One can only speculate on the players’ motive for firing at the birds.  Did they need to eat the birds to survive?  Had the birds at one time or another offended the players?  Did the birds attack the players first?

While the reason for the shooting has yet to be revealed, one thing remains clear.  Duck on duck violence has been taken to a whole new level, and it needs to be stopped.  Stop the violence!