Category Archives: NBA

IT’S TONEY DOUGLAS TIME! In New York

toneydouglasLast March, Florida State basketball player Toney Douglas became my new favorite athlete when I found out he was a pimp. Not a pimp in the literal sense, mind you, but more the cerebral state of mind.

How did I know Toney Douglas was a pimp, you ask? Simple. Florida State fans would display small, homemade 8.5″x11″ signs that read “IT’S TONEY DOUGLAS TIME.” Awesome.

Douglas was the all-around best player on what was more or less an average Florida State team, and the fans knew it. They embraced him like a God and knew that any time could be Toney Douglas time. What a great effing time.

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Top 11: NBA All-Ugly Team (With Pictures)

buttuglyThe NBA season is underway and you know what that means. Time to determine the ugliest players in the league.

I know what you’re thinking: That’s not very nice of you to pick on the uglies. Well frankly, you’re right. But the way we see it, a lot of these homely fellows do this to themselves. They over-tat their canvas of a body, they fail to get their hair cut adequately, they refuse to shave, things like that. And if that doesn’t sway you, these guys are making millions of dollars to play a game, so there.

We’ve divided this list into three segments. Nos. 11-7 are the All-Ugly Second Team. Nos. 6-2 are the All-Ugly First Team. And of course No. 1 is the All-Ugly MVP.

For the record, we considered calling this the All-Brooke Hundley Team, but we figured some of you might not get the reference. Oh well.

On to the list!

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Greg Ostertag Is Only 36?!

gregostertagThere’s a rumor going around that former Utah Jazz center Greg “The Big O” Ostertag is on the verge of an NBA comeback. The 7’2″ big man worked out for the Portland Trailblazers last week, but has his heart set on a return to Salt Lake City, a city he called home for 11 seasons.

Ostertag retired from the league in 2006 and has been living in Arizona ever since.

Perhaps the most amazing thing about Ostertag’s retirement and pending comeback is that the University of Kansas product is only 36 years of age. Thirty-six! I pegged him for about 40, seeing as how the guy made his NBA debut when I was 11 years old. Samsonite, I was way off.

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Ricky Rubio Is A Punk-Ass Bitch That Hates America

rickyrubio2Before you go judging me, let me say this: I am not a Minnesota Timberwolves fan. I don’t follow the Timberwolves, could care less whether they succeed in the NBA, and don’t usually absorb myself in their personnel issues.

But this is different. This involves a kid who made a stupid decision that screwed over America. Not just the Timberwolves. Not just the state of Minnesota. The United States of America.

If you happen to be American and love your country, then you should find it in your heart to hate Ricky Rubio. It’s patriotism.

Hating Ricky Rubio should be synonymous with fireworks on the Fourth of July, watermelon at summer picnics, and turkey at Thanksgiving. It should be second nature to all of us who stand and put our hands over our hearts when The Star Spangled Banner plays.

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OKC Radio Hosts Issue Vicious Attack On Nick Collison, Fail To Remove Stick From Ass

collisonI want to thank loyal reader Rio for sending me this podcast from an Oklahoma City radio station.

Apparently, you can’t speak ill of the worst city in America without incurring the wrath of pseudo-journalists who call themselves radio hosts in Oklahoma.

And if you’re Nick Collison, and you have anything positive to say about Seattle, you better cover your balls because you’re in for a savage attack on your manhood.

These two radio hosts are basically Shooter McGavin to Nick Collison’s Happy Gilmore. No matter who you are, you can’t listen to this and root for Nick, while simultaneously wishing evil against the radio hosts.

It’s pretty much the best conversation ever, and definitely worth your time. Enjoy.

Adam Morrison Recovering From Sorely-Deserved Kick In The Pants

adammorrisoncryingUnless you happen to be the most punch-drunk Gonzaga Bulldogs fan around, it’s easy to hate Adam Morrison.

When he was in college, the former Zag had a penchant for knocking down frustratingly impossible shots, often displayed a bad attitude, threw tantrums, yelled at teammates and coaches, didn’t hustle, wouldn’t play defense, openly wept on a national stage, rarely showered (supposedly), and refused to shave the dirty sanchez on his upper lip. Add to that the greasy crop of hair he wouldn’t cut for five years and you pretty much had the most repulsive human being on the face of the planet.

Three years later, Adam Morrison is a Los Angeles Laker who has been humbled by injuries, unfortunate circumstances, and a trade.

He no longer wears his hair long, rarely lashes out at the people around him, makes an effort to play defense, and has learned that hard work and hustle is a requirement for a guy looking to get off the bench.

The out-of-place mustache is still there, and no word on whether he showers or not, but at least fans can now look at Morrison and feel something for the former first-round pick that they never felt before: compassion.

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One Year Later, Oklahoma City Can Still Shove It Up Their Collective Posterior (or Ass, for you linguistically-challenged Thunder fans)

sonicslogoForget journalistic objectivity. Oklahoma City can take their basketball team and shove it right up their behinds, broad side first. Now go cry about it, whiners.

Fact is, Thunder fans can’t quite comprehend why Seattleites are still upset over the hijacking of our NBA team. You know, the one we had for over 40 years.

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