Category Archives: NBA

All The Reasons No One Cares About The NBA Lockout

The NBA is in the middle of a lockout and you don’t care. No one can blame you for that. In fact, I’d like to go ahead and reinforce your decision to remain apathetic.

Why don’t we care about the lockout? It seems like we should, right? Wrong. There are just so many reasons why we shouldn’t. And I’m here to give you all of them.

In no particular order, here we go.

There are no heroes

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Poor LeBron James

“The Greater Man upstairs know when it’s my time. Right now isn’t the time.” –LeBron James, on his Miami Heat team’s inability to capture the 2011 NBA Championship.

If you’ve ever been to Wal-Mart, you’ve undoubtedly seen the divorced fat woman with eight screaming children, beating the hell out of those poor kids as if she can pummel the sound right out of them, wondering why on earth the world has done this to her.

To say she doesn’t quite get it would be an understatement. Never mind the fact that in her younger days she made some bad decisions — sleeping with every guy bearing a snake tattoo, for one. Even those missteps could not fully explain why God would curse her with an octet of banshees, each conceived from the sperm of a different man. I mean, we all make mistakes. Uneducated, morbidly obese, socially inept female degenerates are no exception.

And then we have LeBron James.

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The Miami Menage: Did LeBron’s Mama Boink D-Wade and Bosh, Too?

You have to be asking yourself this question after Thursday night’s “Decision.” It’s a legitimate inquiry. We already know that Mrs. James got with Delonte West at some point. So what’s to stop her from engaging in a little three-way with her son’s newest teammates?

What I really want to know is if she got a sampling from all of LeBron’s suitors. Six teams came calling for The King’s services. Did she fool around with Blake Griffin, too? What about Eddy Curry’s BBW ass? How ’bout a little Brook Lopez (Blo-pez, to the uninitiated)? These are the hardball topics that Jim Gray failed to broach. Come on, Jim. Do your job.

The consensus ruling we can take away from all this is that someone affiliated with the Heat has mad skills in the bedroom. Everybody knows that to get to LeBron, you gotta get to his mama. And I figure between D-Wade or the other newest Miami baller, Chris Bosh, one (or both) of them got the job done. Call it a Cleveland Steamer, if you will. Boom, roasted.

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LeBron To L.A. Would Be A Dream Come True

Ever since the NBA stole my beloved Sonics and dropped them in the middle of Podunkville, USA, I’ve wanted nothing more than to see the world grab the league by its backside and plow it relentlessly into submission.

It’s not often that we get to see the world screw the NBA, but it could happen this year, this summer in fact. And that pillaging begins and ends with LeBron James.

Bron Bron, as we all know, is a free agent. He is willing and able to sign with any of thirty NBA franchises. Everyone has an opinion on where they think LeBron should land. Some people want him to stay in Cleveland. Some want him to go to New York. Some to Chicago. Some to Miami. Some to New Jersey. The list goes on.

There is one team, however, that isn’t getting the credit they deserve in their pursuit of King James. Even though they happen to reside in the nation’s second-largest media market. Even though they have plenty of ample cash to ink LeBron’s John Hancock. And even though they might very well possess one of the more promising nuclei in the National Basketball Association.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, in case you haven’t figured it out by now, the team I desperately want LeBron to sign with is none other than those underdog Los Angeles Clippers. I know what you’re thinking. But I don’t care.

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My Sincerest Apologies To Lamar Odom

lamarkhloeOkay, Lamar Odom. You win.

After watching the Khloe and Lamar wedding episode on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, it’s pretty much impossible to hate on the Lakers forward anymore. I actually feel bad for picking on the guy all these years.

I’ll admit, I said some nasty things about Lamar.

I stated that it looked like he was marrying a Chyna clone.

I mentioned that he was an inconsistent underachiever who was the NBA’s version of J.D. Drew.

I even went so far as to nickname him Lam-O Kardashian.

I retract all my previous statements. Lamar Odom is worthy of my affection.

I’m convinced that if anyone cheats in this relationship, it will be that wife of us his and not him. Crazy, I know. But if you saw the episode, you know what I’m talking about.

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Brandon Jennings Scores 55 Points, David Stern Plots Revenge

jenningssternMilwaukee Bucks rookie point guard Brandon Jennings went absolutely insane Saturday night and dropped 55 points on the runnin-and-gunnin (i.e. no defense) Golden State Warriors. The all-time rookie record for points scored in a single game is 58, set by Wilt Chamberlain in 1960.

You may remember Jennings as the guy who bumrushed the 2009 NBA Draft, interrupting commissioner David Stern’s announcement of the Phoenix Suns’ selection of Earl Clark. Stern, flabbergasted by Jennings’ emergence from the bowels of Madison Square Garden, improvised on the spot. “Earl is not here,” said Stern, “but the 10th pick in the 2009 NBA Draft by the Milwaukee Bucks, Brandon Jennings, is here, so why don’t you welcome him!”

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IT’S TONEY DOUGLAS TIME! In New York

toneydouglasLast March, Florida State basketball player Toney Douglas became my new favorite athlete when I found out he was a pimp. Not a pimp in the literal sense, mind you, but more the cerebral state of mind.

How did I know Toney Douglas was a pimp, you ask? Simple. Florida State fans would display small, homemade 8.5″x11″ signs that read “IT’S TONEY DOUGLAS TIME.” Awesome.

Douglas was the all-around best player on what was more or less an average Florida State team, and the fans knew it. They embraced him like a God and knew that any time could be Toney Douglas time. What a great effing time.

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Top 11: NBA All-Ugly Team (With Pictures)

buttuglyThe NBA season is underway and you know what that means. Time to determine the ugliest players in the league.

I know what you’re thinking: That’s not very nice of you to pick on the uglies. Well frankly, you’re right. But the way we see it, a lot of these homely fellows do this to themselves. They over-tat their canvas of a body, they fail to get their hair cut adequately, they refuse to shave, things like that. And if that doesn’t sway you, these guys are making millions of dollars to play a game, so there.

We’ve divided this list into three segments. Nos. 11-7 are the All-Ugly Second Team. Nos. 6-2 are the All-Ugly First Team. And of course No. 1 is the All-Ugly MVP.

For the record, we considered calling this the All-Brooke Hundley Team, but we figured some of you might not get the reference. Oh well.

On to the list!

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Greg Ostertag Is Only 36?!

gregostertagThere’s a rumor going around that former Utah Jazz center Greg “The Big O” Ostertag is on the verge of an NBA comeback. The 7’2″ big man worked out for the Portland Trailblazers last week, but has his heart set on a return to Salt Lake City, a city he called home for 11 seasons.

Ostertag retired from the league in 2006 and has been living in Arizona ever since.

Perhaps the most amazing thing about Ostertag’s retirement and pending comeback is that the University of Kansas product is only 36 years of age. Thirty-six! I pegged him for about 40, seeing as how the guy made his NBA debut when I was 11 years old. Samsonite, I was way off.

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Ricky Rubio Is A Punk-Ass Bitch That Hates America

rickyrubio2Before you go judging me, let me say this: I am not a Minnesota Timberwolves fan. I don’t follow the Timberwolves, could care less whether they succeed in the NBA, and don’t usually absorb myself in their personnel issues.

But this is different. This involves a kid who made a stupid decision that screwed over America. Not just the Timberwolves. Not just the state of Minnesota. The United States of America.

If you happen to be American and love your country, then you should find it in your heart to hate Ricky Rubio. It’s patriotism.

Hating Ricky Rubio should be synonymous with fireworks on the Fourth of July, watermelon at summer picnics, and turkey at Thanksgiving. It should be second nature to all of us who stand and put our hands over our hearts when The Star Spangled Banner plays.

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OKC Radio Hosts Issue Vicious Attack On Nick Collison, Fail To Remove Stick From Ass

collisonI want to thank loyal reader Rio for sending me this podcast from an Oklahoma City radio station.

Apparently, you can’t speak ill of the worst city in America without incurring the wrath of pseudo-journalists who call themselves radio hosts in Oklahoma.

And if you’re Nick Collison, and you have anything positive to say about Seattle, you better cover your balls because you’re in for a savage attack on your manhood.

These two radio hosts are basically Shooter McGavin to Nick Collison’s Happy Gilmore. No matter who you are, you can’t listen to this and root for Nick, while simultaneously wishing evil against the radio hosts.

It’s pretty much the best conversation ever, and definitely worth your time. Enjoy.

Adam Morrison Recovering From Sorely-Deserved Kick In The Pants

adammorrisoncryingUnless you happen to be the most punch-drunk Gonzaga Bulldogs fan around, it’s easy to hate Adam Morrison.

When he was in college, the former Zag had a penchant for knocking down frustratingly impossible shots, often displayed a bad attitude, threw tantrums, yelled at teammates and coaches, didn’t hustle, wouldn’t play defense, openly wept on a national stage, rarely showered (supposedly), and refused to shave the dirty sanchez on his upper lip. Add to that the greasy crop of hair he wouldn’t cut for five years and you pretty much had the most repulsive human being on the face of the planet.

Three years later, Adam Morrison is a Los Angeles Laker who has been humbled by injuries, unfortunate circumstances, and a trade.

He no longer wears his hair long, rarely lashes out at the people around him, makes an effort to play defense, and has learned that hard work and hustle is a requirement for a guy looking to get off the bench.

The out-of-place mustache is still there, and no word on whether he showers or not, but at least fans can now look at Morrison and feel something for the former first-round pick that they never felt before: compassion.

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One Year Later, Oklahoma City Can Still Shove It Up Their Collective Posterior (or Ass, for you linguistically-challenged Thunder fans)

sonicslogoForget journalistic objectivity. Oklahoma City can take their basketball team and shove it right up their behinds, broad side first. Now go cry about it, whiners.

Fact is, Thunder fans can’t quite comprehend why Seattleites are still upset over the hijacking of our NBA team. You know, the one we had for over 40 years.

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Seattle Sportsnet’s 2009 NBA Draft Highlight Reel

88620135AB017_BLAKE_GRIFFINBecause Jay Bilas’ commentary wasn’t good enough for you, we relive the highlights of the 2009 NBA Draft first round, and let you in on some of the insights you may have missed. Enjoy.

Pick No. 1: Don’t feel bad for Blake Griffin. Sure, he’s going to play for arguably the worst franchise in the history of pro sports, but think about this. The guy is going to be making millions of dollars while playing in front of fans who have zero expectations. He can focus entirely on where he’ll be playing after his rookie contract runs out, who he’ll be partying with after the game, and whether he wants to wake up to a blonde or brunette in the morning. He’s 20 years old, a multi-millionaire, physically fit, and living in L.A. Just point him to the nearest Costco and show him where they keep the Trojans.

Pick No. 2: The premise of the movie Major League is simple. Rachel Phelps, the vindictive widow of the deceased owner of the Cleveland Indians (nay, the deposed son of the king of Nigeria…just kidding, I just wrote the first part of that sentence a little weird), wants to run the franchise into the ground so she can move the team to Florida. She enlists the crappiest players and the worst coaching staff she can find to help her achieve the goal. Things turn tragic for Phelps when the cast of misfits starts winning in spite of their evil owner, and makes the playoffs, ensuring the team will remain in Cleveland.

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