Category Archives: NBA

All The Reasons No One Cares About The NBA Lockout

The NBA is in the middle of a lockout and you don’t care. No one can blame you for that. In fact, I’d like to go ahead and reinforce your decision to remain apathetic.

Why don’t we care about the lockout? It seems like we should, right? Wrong. There are just so many reasons why we shouldn’t. And I’m here to give you all of them.

In no particular order, here we go.

There are no heroes

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Poor LeBron James

“The Greater Man upstairs know when it’s my time. Right now isn’t the time.” –LeBron James, on his Miami Heat team’s inability to capture the 2011 NBA Championship.

If you’ve ever been to Wal-Mart, you’ve undoubtedly seen the divorced fat woman with eight screaming children, beating the hell out of those poor kids as if she can pummel the sound right out of them, wondering why on earth the world has done this to her.

To say she doesn’t quite get it would be an understatement. Never mind the fact that in her younger days she made some bad decisions — sleeping with every guy bearing a snake tattoo, for one. Even those missteps could not fully explain why God would curse her with an octet of banshees, each conceived from the sperm of a different man. I mean, we all make mistakes. Uneducated, morbidly obese, socially inept female degenerates are no exception.

And then we have LeBron James.

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The Miami Menage: Did LeBron’s Mama Boink D-Wade and Bosh, Too?

You have to be asking yourself this question after Thursday night’s “Decision.” It’s a legitimate inquiry. We already know that Mrs. James got with Delonte West at some point. So what’s to stop her from engaging in a little three-way with her son’s newest teammates?

What I really want to know is if she got a sampling from all of LeBron’s suitors. Six teams came calling for The King’s services. Did she fool around with Blake Griffin, too? What about Eddy Curry’s BBW ass? How ’bout a little Brook Lopez (Blo-pez, to the uninitiated)? These are the hardball topics that Jim Gray failed to broach. Come on, Jim. Do your job.

The consensus ruling we can take away from all this is that someone affiliated with the Heat has mad skills in the bedroom. Everybody knows that to get to LeBron, you gotta get to his mama. And I figure between D-Wade or the other newest Miami baller, Chris Bosh, one (or both) of them got the job done. Call it a Cleveland Steamer, if you will. Boom, roasted.

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LeBron To L.A. Would Be A Dream Come True

Ever since the NBA stole my beloved Sonics and dropped them in the middle of Podunkville, USA, I’ve wanted nothing more than to see the world grab the league by its backside and plow it relentlessly into submission.

It’s not often that we get to see the world screw the NBA, but it could happen this year, this summer in fact. And that pillaging begins and ends with LeBron James.

Bron Bron, as we all know, is a free agent. He is willing and able to sign with any of thirty NBA franchises. Everyone has an opinion on where they think LeBron should land. Some people want him to stay in Cleveland. Some want him to go to New York. Some to Chicago. Some to Miami. Some to New Jersey. The list goes on.

There is one team, however, that isn’t getting the credit they deserve in their pursuit of King James. Even though they happen to reside in the nation’s second-largest media market. Even though they have plenty of ample cash to ink LeBron’s John Hancock. And even though they might very well possess one of the more promising nuclei in the National Basketball Association.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, in case you haven’t figured it out by now, the team I desperately want LeBron to sign with is none other than those underdog Los Angeles Clippers. I know what you’re thinking. But I don’t care.

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My Sincerest Apologies To Lamar Odom

lamarkhloeOkay, Lamar Odom. You win.

After watching the Khloe and Lamar wedding episode on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, it’s pretty much impossible to hate on the Lakers forward anymore. I actually feel bad for picking on the guy all these years.

I’ll admit, I said some nasty things about Lamar.

I stated that it looked like he was marrying a Chyna clone.

I mentioned that he was an inconsistent underachiever who was the NBA’s version of J.D. Drew.

I even went so far as to nickname him Lam-O Kardashian.

I retract all my previous statements. Lamar Odom is worthy of my affection.

I’m convinced that if anyone cheats in this relationship, it will be that wife of us his and not him. Crazy, I know. But if you saw the episode, you know what I’m talking about.

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Brandon Jennings Scores 55 Points, David Stern Plots Revenge

jenningssternMilwaukee Bucks rookie point guard Brandon Jennings went absolutely insane Saturday night and dropped 55 points on the runnin-and-gunnin (i.e. no defense) Golden State Warriors. The all-time rookie record for points scored in a single game is 58, set by Wilt Chamberlain in 1960.

You may remember Jennings as the guy who bumrushed the 2009 NBA Draft, interrupting commissioner David Stern’s announcement of the Phoenix Suns’ selection of Earl Clark. Stern, flabbergasted by Jennings’ emergence from the bowels of Madison Square Garden, improvised on the spot. “Earl is not here,” said Stern, “but the 10th pick in the 2009 NBA Draft by the Milwaukee Bucks, Brandon Jennings, is here, so why don’t you welcome him!”

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