Category Archives: Mariners

You’re Wrong About Mariners Fans

couchguyAn hour after you told yourself you’d go to the gym, you slouch chin-to-chest in the recesses of a couch that, pray to Jesus, never sees the glow of a blacklight.

Fully ensconced in the bowels of an impending loss, you watch in the silence of your own bitter misery as the Mariners bullpen pisses away a lead like a terrible parent draining their child’s community college fund at the nearest tribal casino.

This is shit, you think. Why am I sitting here? When did I take off my pants? Do I have any beer left, or is this the last one? I should eat dinner soon. No, I still need to go to the gym. I’ll wait until after we hit. The bottom of the order’s coming up? Fuck, I might as well leave right now. No—the bottom of the order has been killing it lately, and there’s no more Zunino. Okay, I’ll stay. The gym is open 24 hours anyway.

“God damn it, what the fuck?!”

The silence is broken by your own tenor, you realize, as a barrage of incoherent frustration escapes you in a moment of mental fragility.

Continue reading You’re Wrong About Mariners Fans

Karate Emergency Ep. 18: Dae-Ho Diet Plan

Baseball season is upon us, which means we turn to part-time Karate Emergency member Ryan Divish for our 2016 Seattle Mariners preview.

Before we discuss the rotation, position battles, and the likes of Korean superstar Dae-Ho Lee, we have to address equally pressing matters: the Super Bowl, Husky basketball, and a long list of items that have drawn our ire.

All of this and more in the latest episode of Karate Emergency!

Ken Griffey Jr. and the Making of a Superhero


On November 15th, 2007, a man by the name of Barry Lamar Bonds was served an indictment by a federal grand jury. The indictment alleged counts of perjury and obstruction of justice against Bonds, who, four years earlier, had sworn under oath that he had never used illegal substances provided to him by a Bay Area pharmaceutical company called BALCO.

Had Bonds held any other occupation, the story may not have been nearly as widespread. Bonds, however, happened to be a Major League Baseball player. And at the time of the indictment, the 43-year-old outfielder was resoundingly considered one of the best players in the history of his sport. Bonds was alleged to be nothing short of a liar, and as a result, a criminal. He never played baseball again.

Eight weeks before Bonds found himself indicted, another baseball player, also an outfielder, was fielding his position when he collapsed to the turf.

Continue reading Ken Griffey Jr. and the Making of a Superhero

Karate Emergency Ep. 2.12: You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out


Slickhawk returns after a few days spent with a murderer, and the crew has lots to discuss.

The Huskies put a whooping on the Cougars in the Apple Cup, the Seahawks have more questions than answers in the wake of a critical injury, and Jerry Dipoto is out to save the Mariners by dealing everyone he comes in contact with.

On top of that, Kelly has a new meerkat, this one more famous than his constituents, and Alex got shot in the face.

Happy listening!

The 2015 Ex-Seattle Mariners (or, Former Mariners in the Playoffs)

choomarinersThe 2015 MLB playoffs are underway, and for the fourteenth straight season, your Seattle Mariners are not invited to the party.

Lest you fret over not being able to watch your beloved M’s take part in the postseason, we’re here to bring you the list of all 24 former Mariners who find themselves on the active rosters of playoff-bound teams. Yep, you read that correctly. A total of 24 ex-Mariners have made their way to greener pastures since leaving Seattle, one shy of the number needed to fill a 25-man roster.

With 10 teams having qualified for postseason play (including Wildcard participants), that averages out to 2.4 ex-Mariners per roster. And in fact only one squad fails to employ a former Mariner: the St. Louis Cardinals, who have become renowned for cultivating their own homegrown talent.

Here’s the list of all 24 playoff-bound ex-Mariners, broken down by team:

Continue reading The 2015 Ex-Seattle Mariners (or, Former Mariners in the Playoffs)

Hisashi Iwakuma’s Happy Day

Mariners pitcher Hisashi Iwakuma throws a no-hitter against the Baltimore Orioles at Safeco Field, Wednesday August 12, 2015. (Bettina Hansen / The Seattle Times)
Mariners pitcher Hisashi Iwakuma throws a no-hitter against the Baltimore Orioles at Safeco Field, Wednesday August 12, 2015. (Bettina Hansen / The Seattle Times)

No one was as big a fan of Hisashi Iwakuma as my grandmother. Every week when we got together for lunch, she would rave about the Mariners’ Japanese pitcher. Being Japanese herself, my grandma couldn’t have been more enthralled by a successful baseball player of our ethnic heritage plying his trade in Seattle.

“Why don’t they let Iwakuma play more?” she’d ask.

“Well,” I’d explain, “they only let starting pitchers play every five days. It’s just kind of how they do things in baseball. They don’t want him getting hurt. He plays as much as he’s allowed.”

“Hmm. I wish they’d let him play more.” My grandmother was not going to be appeased by the silliness of a five-man rotation.

When she passed away in September, I was upset with her favorite baseball team. She had wanted for years to see this ballclub succeed, watching every game along the way, win or lose. But following the Mariners seemed to be an exercise in futility. They hadn’t made the postseason in over a decade. They typically battled for last place. And who knows how long it would be before the thought of a championship so much as crossed anyone’s mind.

Continue reading Hisashi Iwakuma’s Happy Day

The Hisashi Iwakuma Trade Chart

Under what conditions should one consider trading pitcher Hisashi Iwakuma?

This question arose recently, as rumors circulated that Mariners ownership planned to retain Iwakuma despite interested parties around Major League Baseball inquiring about the right-hander’s services.

Baffled as many fans were that the team would choose to hold onto the veteran starter when a) he will be a free agent at year’s end (meaning the team could sign him in the offseason regardless of where he plays the next two months) and b) he’s been kind of sucky lately, we still find ourselves asking whether dealing Kuma makes sense or not.

Below is a hand-crafted flow chart that should help sort this mess out. (Please click on the image for full resolution.)