Category Archives: Mariners

Go For It, Jerry

Jerry DipotoSports fans are inherently selfish. If it was up to us, rebuilding years wouldn’t exist and every single season would involve a championship pursuit. Money would be no object, and like monopolizing board game tycoons we’d buy everything in sight and kick our competition’s ass all up and down St. Charles Place.

We are never satisfied, sports fans. We want it all and more. We want the rings and the trophies and the gaudy commemorative gear. We want our guys to be the best and your guys to be the worst. We actually yearn for wins with our tangible promotional giveaways, and we crave the taste of success, not sorrow, amidst the bubbles of our ten-dollar stadium beers.

This is the backdrop for our 2016 Seattle Mariners, who have pieced together the type of campaign that warrants a serious decision in the coming days: win now at the expense of later, or win later at the expense of now.

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Thank You, Ken

CoJwCboXgAAWVteI will start with my family.

Ken Griffey, Jr. has no idea what he has done for my family, so let’s begin there.

We love baseball, my family. When I was little, my dad would take us to games at the Kingdome a few times each year. We would get there two hours beforehand, as soon as the gates opened, and race up the concrete ramps until we reached the first base side of the 300 level.

It made little sense, arriving so early to take in batting practice from a location where not a single batted ball would travel, but we did it anyway. We liked being up there and soaking it all in.

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Karate Emergency Ep. 28: Vacate This

Sonics Rally

We’re in mourning over the death of Sonics Arena this week, at the hands of the evil Seattle City Council. In the aftermath of the execution, reaction has been decidedly negative. Is the vitriol warranted?

Seattle’s favorite quarterback weighs in on the arena news, but does he really deserve praise for backing the movement?

And the first place Mariners, winners of 14 of their last 19 games, are finally refusing to lose. What’s next for the hometown nine?

All of that, plus Slickhawk tries his hand at glamping on this week’s Karate Emergency!

You’re Wrong About Mariners Fans

couchguyAn hour after you told yourself you’d go to the gym, you slouch chin-to-chest in the recesses of a couch that, pray to Jesus, never sees the glow of a blacklight.

Fully ensconced in the bowels of an impending loss, you watch in the silence of your own bitter misery as the Mariners bullpen pisses away a lead like a terrible parent draining their child’s community college fund at the nearest tribal casino.

This is shit, you think. Why am I sitting here? When did I take off my pants? Do I have any beer left, or is this the last one? I should eat dinner soon. No, I still need to go to the gym. I’ll wait until after we hit. The bottom of the order’s coming up? Fuck, I might as well leave right now. No—the bottom of the order has been killing it lately, and there’s no more Zunino. Okay, I’ll stay. The gym is open 24 hours anyway.

“God damn it, what the fuck?!”

The silence is broken by your own tenor, you realize, as a barrage of incoherent frustration escapes you in a moment of mental fragility.

Continue reading You’re Wrong About Mariners Fans

Karate Emergency Ep. 18: Dae-Ho Diet Plan

Baseball season is upon us, which means we turn to part-time Karate Emergency member Ryan Divish for our 2016 Seattle Mariners preview.

Before we discuss the rotation, position battles, and the likes of Korean superstar Dae-Ho Lee, we have to address equally pressing matters: the Super Bowl, Husky basketball, and a long list of items that have drawn our ire.

All of this and more in the latest episode of Karate Emergency!

Ken Griffey Jr. and the Making of a Superhero

junior

On November 15th, 2007, a man by the name of Barry Lamar Bonds was served an indictment by a federal grand jury. The indictment alleged counts of perjury and obstruction of justice against Bonds, who, four years earlier, had sworn under oath that he had never used illegal substances provided to him by a Bay Area pharmaceutical company called BALCO.

Had Bonds held any other occupation, the story may not have been nearly as widespread. Bonds, however, happened to be a Major League Baseball player. And at the time of the indictment, the 43-year-old outfielder was resoundingly considered one of the best players in the history of his sport. Bonds was alleged to be nothing short of a liar, and as a result, a criminal. He never played baseball again.

Eight weeks before Bonds found himself indicted, another baseball player, also an outfielder, was fielding his position when he collapsed to the turf.

Continue reading Ken Griffey Jr. and the Making of a Superhero

Karate Emergency Ep. 2.12: You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out

dipoto

Slickhawk returns after a few days spent with a murderer, and the crew has lots to discuss.

The Huskies put a whooping on the Cougars in the Apple Cup, the Seahawks have more questions than answers in the wake of a critical injury, and Jerry Dipoto is out to save the Mariners by dealing everyone he comes in contact with.

On top of that, Kelly has a new meerkat, this one more famous than his constituents, and Alex got shot in the face.

Happy listening!